The friend zone again

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
The friend zone again
13
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 4:15pm

Earlier this year, as you guys know, I met a guy, he asked me to go to a dance and then we were together at another event.  Then I got the email that he liked me only as a friend and was dating someone else.

So I have been going to this outdoor salsa dancing for 3 weeks now.  I found out about it through a meetup group.  the guy who is the organizer described himself as a "fun loving lawyer" so the 1st night I went, I introduced myself to him as another fun loving lawyer.  The 2nd week we talked a little more and he gave me hugs hello & goodbye.  The nights start with a lesson and he starts out dancing with me, but the teacher makes everyone rotate partners.  So this week is the 3rd week--we ended up dancing more together at the end of the night and practicing.  He's much more of a beginner than I am and he thanks me for being patient and willing to practice with him.  So then he says "Do you have to go right home?  Want to hang out?"  It took forever to actually get out of the park where the dance is held cause he's like Mr. Social who knows everyone and keeps saying hi and talking to people--but he does introduce me to everyone.  so I was thinking hey, maybe he likes me.  I work in a very yuppie neighborhood and most of the places are very upscale restaurants--so we ended up in a pizza place--not exactly dressed fancy.  We talked for a while--he's very funny and we have a lot in common besides being lawyers.  then he throws in that he started dating someone and has no idea where it will go--well that was definitely not something that I wanted to hear.  I thought it might be a long shot since I figured out right away that I'm older than him--I thought 10 yrs, but it's actually 8 yrs (he doesn't know how old I am).  Even if we don't date, I still want to keep him as a friend because he is a fun nice guy and it would be fun to be with him--but it sure would be nice if he was interested.  Objectively I don't even know if we would be a match, but it would just be nice to be the object of someone's affection.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 4:24pm

I have always thought the best way to get to know someone is to start out as friends, keep things casual and platonic, talk about things that are non-commital and don't force anything.  I think you are focusing too much on finding a guy to date and perhaps they are catching that same vibe from you.  Just relax, and let things flow naturally, keep an open mind, meet as many people as possible through these activities you enjoy. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 4:57pm

I think that's really not the vibe I give off at all--I was actually treating him just as a friend and just being myself.  We were talking about work, music and things like that.  I didn't bring up relationships or dating at all or ask him any personal questions.  He volunteered info about an exGF.  At one point I mentioned that I was in a single parents' meetup group and his response was like "oh, you're single?  I wasn't sure" .  I realize that it's possible that something could come of this but for now I will act and think of him as a friend only.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 4:57pm

I feel I need to come to Musiclover's defense here. I don't know how familiar you are with her posts, but I have "known" her for a few years on this board. Nowhere in her posts do I get the sense that she is trying to "force" anything. I don't think she is sending out "vibes" that are driving men away. She goes to a lot of dances, and she dances with a lot of men, "letting things flow naturally." I would also say she has an open mind, and yes, she's meeting people--both men and women--by going to these activities.

The fact is, compatible matches don't just grow on trees, especially when one gets older. I guess I just get tired of being told that it's a single woman's fault that she isn't meeting the right guy...she must be doing something wrong. 

And, Musiclover has done other things to meet people, not just dances. So, she isn't doing the "same thing over and over."

And YES, it's disappointing when someone you are interested in doesn't return the interest, especially when it's been quite a while since your last relationship.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 4:58pm

I actually like being friends with someone first, too. The problem is that a lot of guys seem to want to skip that step, then they get all cranky because I'm not head over heels for them right away.  Or I get put in the sex zone right away. 

I don't think that he necessarily isn't interested, though. He might have told you about the other woman so he doesn't lead you on, but he could have some interest in you as well. I've found that the good guys usually don't like dating more than one person at a time beyond just a few dates.  He may want to get to know you better, but doesn't feel like he can right now. 

I wouldn't completely forget about him. Maybe lurk in the shadows as a friend, just in case.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 6:55pm

 I go with the flow unless there is great passion(very rare) or they instigate sex.    Seeing if there is any compatibility is good.

chaika

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 9:13pm

I know that you would like for there to be more but hey, he must really dig something about you or he wouldn't have asked YOU (he didn't invite others to join) to hang out.  You never know, something could evolve if things don't work out with the other woman or perhaps he'll introduce you to someone (it seems he knows a lot of people from your post) interesting.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 9:26pm
I agree with Cfk_3 on this. I don't think he would have wanted to keep hanging out with you if he didn't find *something* about you that he found attractive. And the fact that he said he's seeing someone, BUT "he has no idea where it will go" says that he is keeping his options open, while at the same time, he didn't want to lead you on into thinking you're the only woman he's talking to. That's just the vibe I get from what you wrote. I would definitely hang out with him more on a friends setting and see if he makes any moves to suggest otherwise. But I do think his actions indicate that he is interested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 9:47pm

Thank you very much Florida.  I am enjoying meeting various people at this event--it's not like a typical dance you might go to in a club.  There's a community aspect to it in that there is a teen program and frequently they perform and it's an all ages thing--I sometimes dance with guys in their 20's.  I have also met a couple of other interesting men and one of them I'm definitely not talking about in a dating sense since he is quite young.  but I saw this guy who looked like he could be your typical CPA or something like that--he obviously came right from work and was dressed in the white shirt and dress pants and I was really surprised to find out that he was a good dancer, which I told him.  lol  Turns out that he's a victim advocate for the court so I told him that I was a lawyer.

Then I had met a guy last week who was an excellent dancer--when I see someone who is good, I will ask the guy to dance.  So we were going to dance last week when the performers went on & we never got to.  This week almost the same thing happened and he was sitting next to me & chatting a little during the performance.  Later on I asked him what he did for work cause you know when you get an impression from someone that they aren't "typical"--it turns out that he's an artist and professor of art who makes these hand made knives that have handles that are sculpted and have precious stones in them.  I looked up his website and he's pretty renowned in that area.  So I am definitely not just looking at men as dating objects.  One thing that annoys me about dancing is how some men will only look for the prettiest girls and they are afraid to dance with you--I feel like telling them "we are just dancing, not getting married here."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 9:55pm

I told one of my friends about the situation and her response about his dating comment was "men sure are clueless."  But I'm actually glad that he mentioned it now so that I don't make the mistake I did with the first guy and think he was more interested than he is.  However, with the first guy, when someone invites you to go to a dance alone, the guy gets dressed up and then buys you drinks and dances very closely--um, sounds kind of like a date to me.

This definitely wasn't a "date"--it was a "hang out" which sounds kind of dumb coming from a 48 yr old man, but I do feel like we have a lot in common besides work--we talked very easily & there was a lot of joking around, which maybe isn't the most romantic thing but I just have to be myself with someone.  It's too tiring to try to make a good impression like you are in a job interview.  So maybe his feelings might change some day, but I just won't count on it.

So of course I go to my regular dance lesson tonight and see a guy who I've know for a couple of years now and even though he's older than me I think he's very hot--another one who is not interested.  Of course he always asked out the women who were 20 yrs younger than he is--and they always said no.  I'm sure he doesn't have a GF cause he shows up at dances w/ female friends of ours--the past 2 Fridays we have been at the same dance--and he dances with everybody.  I know that nothing is ever going to happen romantically with him but he is a good friend so sometimes you just have to deal with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Wed, 08-07-2013 - 3:06pm
I agree. I give Music a lot of credit for getting out there and doing things she enjoys. The fact is that it is waaay tougher to meet someone compatible when you are older, unless you travel in elite circles (and yes, I know some people who do, and it is a different world.) And we all know, online really isn't any better! To be fair, I think that the Einstein quotation is Itchick's regular signature on all her postings. I don't think she meant it as pertaining to Music.

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