The friend zone again

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
The friend zone again
13
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 4:15pm

Earlier this year, as you guys know, I met a guy, he asked me to go to a dance and then we were together at another event.  Then I got the email that he liked me only as a friend and was dating someone else.

So I have been going to this outdoor salsa dancing for 3 weeks now.  I found out about it through a meetup group.  the guy who is the organizer described himself as a "fun loving lawyer" so the 1st night I went, I introduced myself to him as another fun loving lawyer.  The 2nd week we talked a little more and he gave me hugs hello & goodbye.  The nights start with a lesson and he starts out dancing with me, but the teacher makes everyone rotate partners.  So this week is the 3rd week--we ended up dancing more together at the end of the night and practicing.  He's much more of a beginner than I am and he thanks me for being patient and willing to practice with him.  So then he says "Do you have to go right home?  Want to hang out?"  It took forever to actually get out of the park where the dance is held cause he's like Mr. Social who knows everyone and keeps saying hi and talking to people--but he does introduce me to everyone.  so I was thinking hey, maybe he likes me.  I work in a very yuppie neighborhood and most of the places are very upscale restaurants--so we ended up in a pizza place--not exactly dressed fancy.  We talked for a while--he's very funny and we have a lot in common besides being lawyers.  then he throws in that he started dating someone and has no idea where it will go--well that was definitely not something that I wanted to hear.  I thought it might be a long shot since I figured out right away that I'm older than him--I thought 10 yrs, but it's actually 8 yrs (he doesn't know how old I am).  Even if we don't date, I still want to keep him as a friend because he is a fun nice guy and it would be fun to be with him--but it sure would be nice if he was interested.  Objectively I don't even know if we would be a match, but it would just be nice to be the object of someone's affection.

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 4:57pm

I feel I need to come to Musiclover's defense here. I don't know how familiar you are with her posts, but I have "known" her for a few years on this board. Nowhere in her posts do I get the sense that she is trying to "force" anything. I don't think she is sending out "vibes" that are driving men away. She goes to a lot of dances, and she dances with a lot of men, "letting things flow naturally." I would also say she has an open mind, and yes, she's meeting people--both men and women--by going to these activities.

The fact is, compatible matches don't just grow on trees, especially when one gets older. I guess I just get tired of being told that it's a single woman's fault that she isn't meeting the right guy...she must be doing something wrong. 

And, Musiclover has done other things to meet people, not just dances. So, she isn't doing the "same thing over and over."

And YES, it's disappointing when someone you are interested in doesn't return the interest, especially when it's been quite a while since your last relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 4:57pm

I think that's really not the vibe I give off at all--I was actually treating him just as a friend and just being myself.  We were talking about work, music and things like that.  I didn't bring up relationships or dating at all or ask him any personal questions.  He volunteered info about an exGF.  At one point I mentioned that I was in a single parents' meetup group and his response was like "oh, you're single?  I wasn't sure" .  I realize that it's possible that something could come of this but for now I will act and think of him as a friend only.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 4:24pm

I have always thought the best way to get to know someone is to start out as friends, keep things casual and platonic, talk about things that are non-commital and don't force anything.  I think you are focusing too much on finding a guy to date and perhaps they are catching that same vibe from you.  Just relax, and let things flow naturally, keep an open mind, meet as many people as possible through these activities you enjoy. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

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