friends....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
friends....
14
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:58pm
i noticed a female friend of mine always wanted to meet with me and talk and spend time with me when she was so to say between boyfriends or when she has some issues with the boyfriends. then she needs my advice and time, etc. but when a new b/f appeared she started to cancel our meetings and does not have time for our friendship... she is staill calling, but doesn't initiate meetings and prefers to go to her b/f events than to come out with my friends... there was nothing bad b/w us, but i don't like this type of attitude. she knows a new guy for a month or two, and she prioriteses him over a friend who had been with her through her difficult time...
i guess the answer is self-evident... but i don't know either to just let it go and never tell her, or tell her openly about it (which will mean the end to the previous type of open friendship we had)... i feel insulted though
any insight or similar experience from the girls?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: irena_2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 8:29am
This has been my experience with most of the women I have known - even my own family members. I guess most women are really focused on finding a boyfriend/husband, and once they find a potential they make him the priority in their lives. I'm not sure if your main issue is being "used" by this one particular woman, or if the problem is feeling somewhat friendless whenever she is seeing a man. If the problem is the latter, you just need to widen your circle of friends. If it is the former -I don't know that talking to her would do any good. It could be that after focusing so much energy on her man she doesn't have much left over for friendships. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: irena_2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 8:56am
This is extremely common and I don't know a girl (on this board or otherwise) that hasn't had a friend like this. Ultimately, it's up to you. You have to decide if you can live with this sort of friendship or not. In my case, I've just learned to accept these people for what they are and not think of them as really close friends. I figure if someone is willing to cut me out of their life for a guy they've known a month, they don't hold me in very high regard anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: irena_2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 9:06am

yes i agree with you. and i have other friends of course.
the problem is what do i do next time when she has a problem with a b/f or loses one? she will start calling me, but i'll have to distance myself from her, because i'm not going to be used like that. and in this case i'll be a guilty one from her point of view. so it seems to me a no win situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: irena_2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 11:18am
You're right, it is a no win situation for you. Either you can be honest with her and tell her you don't like being the kind of friend she only wants when things go South or you can just deal with her at an arm's distance and nothing more. I've taken both routes and never have I had someone change their ways based on my feelings. I'm sure it's possible but like I said, she didn't hold you in very high regard in the first place so her changing her ways is unlikely. I guess I've just come to realize it's a sad fact of having girlfriends- some are in it to really be friends and some are just passing the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: irena_2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 11:53am

exactly!

I once read in the excellent book by Karen Horney on women's psychology, that according to her studies girlfriends friendship plays 'a surprisingly small role in a woman's life' - quote.

But it's a pity really, because men will never understand us as much as we understand each other.

I guess I have to make friends based on the interests and something in common. But I'll definitely not tolerate this type of attitude from anyone.

It's sad though...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
In reply to: irena_2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 1:40pm
Aw schucks guys, don't be so harsh.
I have to admit it, I do this. I have been called out on it by my friends and now that I'm going through a break up I am getting in touch with all my friends again. And some of my very best friends that I love dearly tell me that I do it. And that helps. Then I understand how they feel.
And it makes me make more of an effort to be a better friend. Sometimes I'm not even aware that I am doing it.
I say, if she is a friend that is worthwhile to have around tell her. If you are honest then she may open her eyes. You may be more important to her than you know.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: irena_2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 1:57pm

Its not surprising that we do this because we have to learn to reset our priorities if you will and when a new partner comes along, they become a greater priority. I'm not against women cutting SOME of their time with their female friends for a boyfriend but as with all things, moderation is key. Both relationships can suffer if there is an imbalance.

I've done this and it was a devastating period in my life when that relationship ended and most of my friends were no longer around. Now I am sure to balance out my priorities with my boyfriend having an edge. I mean when I get married, he'll become my #1 priority followed by my family and then my friends. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I would try really hard not to turn my back on my friends that did this because when the love ends, the friends are hopefully there. They weren't in my case and I really really needed them. Now a repeat offender---well then I'd cut my ties.

Rubyshoes

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: irena_2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 2:41pm
Ruby, I think that you hit the nail on the head by saying that we need to strike that balance. Everyone sees and talks to their friends a bit less when there is a man in the picture. It makes sense, we have one more person in the mix and the same amount of time so something's gotta give. Personally, I try to see my girlfriends almost as much and we are all really good about it so we really don't run into this problem. Also, when any of us gets even semi-serious with a guy, we introduce him around. Any man that does not like my friends is not long for my world anyway. That way we can all go out in big groups too. The only real tension we have is when one of us is dating someone that the others do not like. It's happened. In fact, one of my good friends married a jackass. But we keep our opinions to ourselves unless asked and even then say what we feel in a way that will not hurt our friendship. Then we bitch about the guy with the other girls. Heeheee
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
In reply to: irena_2005
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 2:25pm

I have some friends who have done that before. One is my best friend. I pointed this out to her, and I think she thought I was just whining. However, her best friend does that to her and rarely speaks to her and now she knows how it feels. I think it is important to have a balance, but you shouldn't just ignore your friends. Remember they were there for you before the dude and they'll be there after.

I don't agree with putting the friends last after your man, then family. Well, maybe my situation is different. My friends are just like family to me.

I have a friend that has fallen to the acquintance level. She and I were really close in college, but since she started dating her current boyfriend several years ago...she has really changed. She acts as if she has to keep her time free in order to talk to her boyfriend on the phone in case he calls, but I think he's just a controlling person, so that's another topic. She completely isolated herself from me. I have to contact her in order to get together. When we do get together, she has nothing positive to say to me. She doesn't really have any girlfriends, she just hangs out w/some people from her classes. And that's just to attend their tupper-ware like parties. All I can do is pray for her. You should never isolate yourself for a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: irena_2005
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 3:49pm

Hi Irena:

I recoginzied myself in your post...when I was in my 20's-30's adn try not to do that anymore. Unfortunately, women do have a tendency to do this. We give p everything for h guy unless we realize what we are doing & have a good healthy life full of activities & friends. We don't rearrange our lives around the guy. It is usually the codependent/low-self-esteem ones that are searching for their identity in a relationship rather than have a solid base of who they are. They don't realize that their lives need balance. People (not just women) do this all the time. They shut out friends & family when a significant oher arrives & then when that person is gone, then they go "hey where are my friends". I have also noticed this trend with maried people. People that used to be single go & get married & then forget about their single friends. It's like we remind them of that "previous" life.

She will relaize when she disses friends like this & when there is no guy in her life and no friends come around...that is when she will realize it.

I would say something to her objectivly...like "hey I notice when you are w/ someone we don't get together that often". I am being very nice here. It depends also on how much the friendship means to you. Some people never see it.

Just my 2 cents, but I have been there. It is irritating.

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