Friends behaving badly
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Friends behaving badly
| Sun, 08-06-2006 - 10:47pm |
Do you ever find that there's only so much you can handle from a friend until you just want to tell her how dumb she's being?

I completely understand where you are coming from. I was nestled on the sofa with a bag of popcorn and March of the Penguins on Saturday night when I got a tearful call from one of my best friends. I had to get out of my pajamas and truck it over to the local coffee shop to listen to her worries which are quite similar to your friend's.
I am more willing to give advice, though. I would never say anything to her about any of the men in her life but I do tell her what I think she should consider for herself. I asked her why she thought that she was involved with these 2 men and asked her to stop thinking about each of them for a moment and just think about herself. What would she want for herself independent of these men?
You mentioned the idea that you think she might need to be alone for awhile. That might be something she needs to hear. You aren't saying anything about her relationship with either man (which I would never do because that creates all kinds of tension if the man stays in her life) but you are still expressing to her that you are concerned and talking with her about something she should do for herself irregardless of the relationships in her life.
If-When she ends things, I'm definitely going to tell her she needs to lay off the men for awhile.
You and I must have the same friend. I have a friend who is ALWAYS with the wrong guy, and then comes crying to me when he does the next jerky, insensitive thing. She also hops from relationship to relationship - I think she's terrified to be alone for more than a week.
I've known her since we were kids, and I have started telling it to her straight. I don't coddle her anymore. She still makes bad choices, but they are hers to make. I am not going to support them. I will always be her friend - but friends don't necessarily have to put up with crap like that.
I had another friend who decided to cheat on her husband. That combine with many, many other things, finally convinced me that I didn't need someone like that in my life. She was a negative influence who brought me down, so I decided to cut her loose.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I think there are many, many women like our friends out there.
>>My biggest problem with telling her straight out how it is, is that I know I'm the stronger one. If I tell her what I think she should do, she just might do it and then I'd feel like I made her do it. It's got to be her decision, and all I can really do (in good conscience) is listen. I'm not really supportive, but I listen because that's what friends do. <<
That's true - I worry about that as well. I think of my friend as fairly strong, because she is when it comes to work and life in general. I guess she's really not when it comes to men. I do listen to her, but I guess I'm not as much of a cheerleder anymore. If I don't like the guy, I'm not going to tell her that I do.
It's a tough place to be. I think we do just want to best for our friends, and it's hard to watch them make less-than-healthy decisions.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Shy, I think we have the same friend. I have one like that, too except she is married. She married for what she now says were "all the wrong reasons" and now takes and finds every opportunity to complain and whine about it. Will she do anything about it though? Of course not. I think more than anything, she's addicted to the dramatics and the sympathy she garners by telling and retelling the same old story.
She is just dramatic in general though. This is a woman that will innocently cut her arm on the edge of a can while cooking and before you know it, the story turns into "the time I almost lost my arm." She didn't, she just had to have stitches.
Anyway, we only talk about once a month (that's all I can handle) and sadly, I've given up trying to help her at all at this point.
Sorry to hear about such a friend. She really does have issues. You're being good to her, but you too can only handle so much. I would refrain from actually telling her what to do. She needs to take accountability, and the last thing you want is to feel like you were responsible for her actions.
Sometimes, it helps to take a step back and see if a person is toxic. If a friend is too demanding (passively or not) and drains you so often, then it may be time to cut the ties. It's a tough choice but it does present itself at one point or another.
Best wishes to you.