Friends behaving badly

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Friends behaving badly
9
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 10:47pm

Do you ever find that there's only so much you can handle from a friend until you just want to tell her how dumb she's being?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 12:21am
I know the feeling from both ends. I have learned not to give unsolicited advice, especially when I see one of my friends doing the same thing over and over and get hurt time and time again, because they're not going to listen to me. At the same time, I just got the tough love speech from a couple of friends, and I know that I need to hear it and I love them for it, but we all need to learn from our mistakes and sometimes we just need to take a step back and let them do what they're going to do and you can be there for them when it's all said and done.
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Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 8:51am

I completely understand where you are coming from. I was nestled on the sofa with a bag of popcorn and March of the Penguins on Saturday night when I got a tearful call from one of my best friends. I had to get out of my pajamas and truck it over to the local coffee shop to listen to her worries which are quite similar to your friend's.

I am more willing to give advice, though. I would never say anything to her about any of the men in her life but I do tell her what I think she should consider for herself. I asked her why she thought that she was involved with these 2 men and asked her to stop thinking about each of them for a moment and just think about herself. What would she want for herself independent of these men?

You mentioned the idea that you think she might need to be alone for awhile. That might be something she needs to hear. You aren't saying anything about her relationship with either man (which I would never do because that creates all kinds of tension if the man stays in her life) but you are still expressing to her that you are concerned and talking with her about something she should do for herself irregardless of the relationships in her life.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 9:47am

If-When she ends things, I'm definitely going to tell her she needs to lay off the men for awhile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 12:10pm

You and I must have the same friend. I have a friend who is ALWAYS with the wrong guy, and then comes crying to me when he does the next jerky, insensitive thing. She also hops from relationship to relationship - I think she's terrified to be alone for more than a week.

I've known her since we were kids, and I have started telling it to her straight. I don't coddle her anymore. She still makes bad choices, but they are hers to make. I am not going to support them. I will always be her friend - but friends don't necessarily have to put up with crap like that.

I had another friend who decided to cheat on her husband. That combine with many, many other things, finally convinced me that I didn't need someone like that in my life. She was a negative influence who brought me down, so I decided to cut her loose.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 8:01pm

I think there are many, many women like our friends out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 11:20am

>>My biggest problem with telling her straight out how it is, is that I know I'm the stronger one. If I tell her what I think she should do, she just might do it and then I'd feel like I made her do it. It's got to be her decision, and all I can really do (in good conscience) is listen. I'm not really supportive, but I listen because that's what friends do. <<

That's true - I worry about that as well. I think of my friend as fairly strong, because she is when it comes to work and life in general. I guess she's really not when it comes to men. I do listen to her, but I guess I'm not as much of a cheerleder anymore. If I don't like the guy, I'm not going to tell her that I do.

It's a tough place to be. I think we do just want to best for our friends, and it's hard to watch them make less-than-healthy decisions.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2005
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 12:20pm
I had a friend that was something like that. She dates men that are really nuts. I want to ask her "don't you have any self respect?" I distanced myself from her for about 1 1/2 years. We are slowly talking again. I grew up with her so I've known her for a long long time. She has issues from childhood and for some reason will not overcome them by getting professional help. She LOVES men. Especially the one that told her she should be a model. MODEL!!!, and the ones that are nuts. She weighs over 200 and is very insecure and very needy. She isn't right. We are in different stages of our lives as far as being emotionally healthy and it's hard to maintain a friendship with her. She has these weird fears, like never leaving the county she leaves in, only dating guys in AA. Has trust issues with everyone. She only gets in certain cars as a passenger due to silly trust issues, all other times she drives. Has to be in control. I'm tired of it already!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 8:42pm

Shy, I think we have the same friend. I have one like that, too except she is married. She married for what she now says were "all the wrong reasons" and now takes and finds every opportunity to complain and whine about it. Will she do anything about it though? Of course not. I think more than anything, she's addicted to the dramatics and the sympathy she garners by telling and retelling the same old story.

She is just dramatic in general though. This is a woman that will innocently cut her arm on the edge of a can while cooking and before you know it, the story turns into "the time I almost lost my arm." She didn't, she just had to have stitches.

Anyway, we only talk about once a month (that's all I can handle) and sadly, I've given up trying to help her at all at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:15pm
Hi there....
Sorry to hear about such a friend. She really does have issues. You're being good to her, but you too can only handle so much. I would refrain from actually telling her what to do. She needs to take accountability, and the last thing you want is to feel like you were responsible for her actions.
Sometimes, it helps to take a step back and see if a person is toxic. If a friend is too demanding (passively or not) and drains you so often, then it may be time to cut the ties. It's a tough choice but it does present itself at one point or another.
Best wishes to you.