friends with benefits

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
friends with benefits
13
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 6:19pm
i recently had sex with this guy and he told me that he doesnt want a relationship right now. I am okay with that but i would like to have sex with him again, sort of like a friends with benefits deal. How should I approach him on me wanting to be his f*** buddy?


thanz Jenny

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 6:25pm
you should just say so straight out. i have a good feeling he'll be happy to accept your offer. its like the IDEAL situation for a guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 6:32pm
Well, figure out if you're expecting exclusivity - and then realize if you odn't really know him you can't really know whether to trust his word regarding that topic.

Most guys that you would approach saying "whenever you want osme, call me" and whenever i want some I'll call you - will go for it. Provided what you're not doing is "calling and awnting to hang out" - you're calling when you want to get it on and then get on outta there.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 6:49pm

How about you just come out and say it?


The guy I ended up in a FWB with I just said that he was only there until we found someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 11:30pm
I would go for it as long as you are fairly certain you will not get emotionally attached through sex and as long as you accept that he does want a relationship - but just not with you - assume that or else if he starts dating someone else in a more formal way you will feel like crap. Also, make sure that you will not place obligations on him just because you're having sex since you agreed to this situation. Ask yourself - what is in this for you - sex will not make him change his mind about you as far as having a relationship - at least, I don't think it wll - so what you will get is an hour or less of pleasure, maybe a decent orgasm - but will you feel ok about yourself afterwards and will you feel comfortable having to tell a potential relationship person that you are currently sexually active - which you will have to do if the other person wants to have sex with you and wants to know about safety issues. Also, some men might not be too thrilled that you were willing to have sex so casually.

What I personally would do - it;s just me - I would tell him that if and when he changes his mind about wanting a relationship with me I would be happy to date him and get to know him and a few months down the road if we were in love and exclusive I would probably be intimate with him. But that's because I know I cannot handle casual sex and so have never done it. Not sure if my experience/opinion is relevant to you but just thought I'd share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 9:14am
I'm curious: WHY do you want to "have sex with him again?" Are you really that horny, or are you perhaps looking for something else from him and the "friendship" and deluding yourself w/the FWB aspect?

If it's the latter, then it might be best to re-think your reasons for traveling that path. You could be letting yourself in for potential heartache, not to mention disease and the residual emotional debris that, I would think, is inevitable in such an arrangement.

And if it's the former--well, a vibrator and Betty Dodson's book "Sex for One" might be a better idea. I'm surprised no one ever mentions that possible solution--no muss, no fuss, no messy break-ups or broken hearts, and you explore the reaches of your own sexuality a lot further than you would w/a lover. No matter how great the bed partner is, you're still "locked" w/in the confines of their and your experience. We all learn how to make love w/each partner we have; why not learn from the greatest teacher of your own sexiness: yourself?

Former Surgeon General Joceylyn Elders was NOT wrong on that score, I don't think...

Ash

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 9:34am

Ash, I've just gotta say this.


It's simply just not the same!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 10:05am
I agree!!!!! There are just some things a $150 BOB cannot give you. Orgasm, yes...all the fun stuff beforehand...NOPE! For me, that requires some human interaction.

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 10:36am
Of course it's not the same, but the end result is still that you've taken care of a basic human need w/o the needless and sometimes avoidable entanglements that doing otherwise would entail.

Of COURSE we all want human contact on a very basic level. But I for one prefer to avoid any potential heartache therefrom when all I need is a good "release valve." I think you're considering the emotional aspects of sex, while I'm talking about the simple physical relief that sex can bring. As for the "human interaction," if the simple hormonal NEED is what's driving you, then relieving that need can make the difference between a badly-needed release, and launching an unnecessary entanglement that you initiated w/someone who was unworthy of your time, body and affections--and all b/c you just needed to "get off."

I'm not saying that mechanical devices can replace a human body. But sometimes the device can be the best thing for the moment, to just "do it yourself" and save yourself needless heartache from a bad involvement--just b/c you were too horny to wait.

Then again, maybe Betty Dodson and I are just too evolved for our times *wink*...

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 11:43am
Well, if you equate sex with emotional "bonding" then yes, it will cause problems on. Being evolved, for me, means being able to separate the two, thus not creating those emotional ties and not getting hurt in the least bit.

Sex is a form of physical gratification for me...it takes many months for it to ever start tying into my emotional response to another human being and that's if I allow it to....if I know the relationship is purely physical, then I'm not going to put in the effort, time, sacrifices, etc. it takes to create a bond with someone on an emotional level.

I know that some women aren't capable or choose not to function on this level, but for me it works just fine, on occasion.

A "device" may get you to the end result, but sex isn't just the end result for me...it's the whole physical package.

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 11:59am

Actually, Ash, I'm not referring to the emotional part at all.

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