Friends With An Ex?
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| Wed, 04-18-2007 - 1:29am |
I'm just wondering what other people think about being friends with an ex? Personally, I think unless there are children involved, you should for the most part let it go. OK, maybe if you were really good friends first and it sorta went back that way, or if it was a long time ago, maybe you can make it work. I guess my problem with the whole ex thing is if it didn't work out, what are you holding onto? There was most likely some hurt one way or another, and if someone isn't holding onto some feelings, what are you holding onto? Without question, your ex was someone you cared a lot about, but obviously it ended and you can't be together romantically. But even from a friendship angle, hey, most likely your friend just screwed you over (or, vice versa).
I understand that person was an important part of your life. But I guess I just don't understand how a person can cut you off from one part of your life and remain absolutely OK in another. There are many layers in a romantic relationship, but once one part goes, how do you keep the other(s)? A betrayal, or rejection, is what it is. A trust or understanding is gone.
And let's say you've remained friends with an ex. How do you expect your current partner to feel about it? It does seem like a lot to ask for the other person to accept it with absolutely no reservations. This is a person you have serious history with. Hell, this is a person you saw naked. There was an intimacy there, should the other person just ignore that?
In case you're wondering, my current guy is friends with his ex(es). I had no problem with it until I found out he slept with a past ex and they considered getting back together while he was with his last partner. That made me question the whole arrangement. Me personally, my exes are in my past. We're civil, but we certainly aren't what I'd consider friends. I would just like some perspective. I appreciate your feedback.

I'm friends with several exes. My belief is that you can not work as a romantic couple, but still care about each other enough to make a friendship work. Not with every ex, but so long as there wasn't some sort of betrayal, breach of trust or similar issue involved, I think it's possible to forge a friendship once the romantic feelings for each other have subsided.
I honestly don't think about my exes sexually any more or really even remember the fact that I saw them naked at some point. It's just not something that's pertinent to our friendship any more.
I would have a problem with your situation, NOT because of the fact that he's friends with an ex, but because he cheated with her while he was with someone else (if I'm reading your post correctly). If a person is trustworthy, then friendships with an ex shouldn't be an issue, IMO. And if they're not, then they're not good partner material anyway.
Sheri
Edited 4/18/2007 1:33 pm ET by cfk_3
I know everyone is different and everyone handles it differently.
But *I* know personally, I don't stay friends with exes. I don't see a point in it - especially if the breakup wasn't mutual. (If it's mutual, that's another thing entirely.) If a guy breaks up with me, we do not stay friends. All of his "Michelle" benefits, including friendship, get revoked.
And that's for MY benefit. If he doesn't want me around, I won't be around. At all.
My current SO doesn't see it that way. He has remained friends with all of his exes, with only one exception. But he's good in that way that he doesn't carry grudges. I do. :) He's just different. And I don't really have a problem with it - that's just his way. It doesn't work for me though, so I don't.
It's definitely possible to be friends with an ex, so long as there are no residual romantic feelings from the relationship.
I've managed to remain great friends with men I dated, whilst other times, it wasn't meant to be. If the relationship ended on a sour note or bad feelings, I'd prefer not having that person in my life as a friend. Sometimes when it's over, it's really over.
But I also think that if you, or the old partner or hopes to mend the relationship, a friendship can be a bit more of a challenge to pull off. Sometimes a long break is necessary to re-define things. At any rate, it's certainly possible to remain friends. It merely takes the right frame of mind and understanding :)