Friends First

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Friends First
9
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 11:23pm

I want to explore this notion of being friends first before having a romantic relationship or I guess for some, before having a sexual relationship is the best approach in co-creating a long lasting partnership-romance.

My take is that with my friends I give them more slack than I would with a partner. Even though I work on not having expectations (as an Al-anon saying says, "Expectations are premeditated resentments";), I know that I DO come into any relationship with certain expectations or at least a criteria for what I want.

Insofar as any friend (male or female), I have certain criteria on what makes them a friend. I also allow that there are different kinds of friends, some closer, more intimate than others. One thing I do know about my friends, I don't have an attachment on keeping them in my life. I have had very close friends (and partners for that matter) that have drifted off or just dropped out of my life. I know with a potential partner that I would have an attachment of her being in my life.

If people think of friends first as a way of gradually growing into an attachment and getting to know each other before being sexual then that's another story or approach. I also know about myself that sexual compatibility is really important as well. I would rather know that sooner than later. I think, as a man, there is lower emotional risk than for the women.

I believe that we do not fully reveal ourselves anyway, no matter how long we are "friends" until we truly become intimate. What I mean by intimate is not just sexual intimacy. I believe we do hold back during our friendship phase in some ways, probably not consciously.

So with my past experience, I would rather be as authentic and as transparent as I can be and just fully reveal myself as much as I can in the initial stages of any relationship or for that matter, in any stage. I seek the same in anyone I meet that I would want a connection with.

Comments? Experiences? Discussion? Debate?

Mark
---





May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: mhash
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 7:15am

Hash, you're always so thoughtful.

I had a relationship that started as friends. I think that can be a wonderful way to begin, but I was surprised when it turned into something more. There were also 2 different men in my life that I had a huge crush on that only wanted to be friends, so we became friends.

I think it's admirable to want to be authentic and transparent in the beginning. But I think a romantic partner is just different than friends, even though you are "friends." I think I know what you're trying to say, but I think it can be hard to do. I interpret part of what you're saying as you don't want to play games with a woman, and that's great. But I think there needs to be a little mystery and fun in the beginning of a romantic relationship, not that that means "false" or "insincere," or that you're playing games.

I don't know if this really addresses your question.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: mhash
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 7:30am

Noooo debate!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
In reply to: mhash
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 3:50pm

How have you been? (-:


What I think is outside of the situations that just start off as friendships in general as a result of environmental influence, (job or whatever.) it is a mute question. (-: You cant force a friendship any more than you can force a relationship. My advice is always simple, lots of eye contact, pay attention and go with the natural flow. If you do it with an open mind things tend to just land in the right place.


I personally do not think a relationships success or failure is determined by such things, hot and heavy and passionate can last forever or crash and burn .. same is true of slow and careful. I trust my gut, and risk the crash if it seems worth a little risk.


A girl contacted me on my space a little over a week ago. We have exchanged some messages, a few phone calls . . .we plan to meet this weekend. So based on your email, how do I manipulate what does or does happen around being friends first? Other than postponing sex, how do I control any emotions felt by her or me for better or for worse? See what I mean?


You are a bit better educated than I am, a bit more thoughtful and surly much more spiritual . ..(-: You are thinking through a mater of the heart. I am not sure how well that always works out.

We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
In reply to: mhash
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 5:32pm

Of course, do whatever works for you and what you are inspired to do, but from what I have observed and lived, I don't feel it's necessary to be friends first before being in relationship.


I have read/heard so many stories of people meeting and they just want to be "together". There is not need to be friends...they already have their special friendship in their romance or it's growing within it.


I am not sure if you really feel strongly about someone if you should or can wait to be friends....normally you just go for it.

Soliel
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mhash
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 5:39pm

Hey there,


I think you know my perspective on this from previous discussions on this topic--to me, there is just too much difference in how I interact with male friends vs. men I have a romantic interest in for the possibility of "friends first" to be viable in the context of a potential romantic relationship.


I do believe in getting to KNOW each other a bit before jumping into a sexual relationship (assuming you're looking for a LTR and not a fling) but that will have a different look (more flirtatious and romantic) than it would in a platonic friendship.


So--the "friends first" thing doesn't really work for me, personally.


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mhash
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 10:37pm

When I did online dating some years ago, I remember saying in my profile that I wanted to be "friends first". That to me was just code for "please don't try to jump my bones

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 1:31am

My last relationship started off on our first date where she wanted to be friends first. I thought that (1) she's not that interested in me and (2) I need to keep looking for someone who wants a romantic relationship rather than friendship.

It turned out that she was interested in me and wanted a romantic relationship so I guess it was code for "I don't want sex with you right away." sheeeesz.

BTW We were together for little over a year and I broke up because there was no real chemistry.

Mark
--





May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 1:43pm

I 'm a lot like Sheri on this issue. If I am friends with a guy, I feel different about him than I do a guy that I am shopping to date or have a relationship with. Also, even if I am just hanging out with a guy and getting to know him before things get intimate, it is different than just being friends because I AM shopping him for more.

I don't think I ever even had a friendship turn into a dating scenario. Perhaps I am weird in that respect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
In reply to: mhash
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 11:31am

I don't think I ever even had a friendship turn into a dating scenario. Perhaps I am weird in that respect.


***


The old saying, when a girl says "he's such a nice guy" or even mutters the word "friend", it's all over. ((-: Of my female friends, real friends, not flings, or FWB over time, but friends, never once has romantic even tried to surface, ever.


To take sex a step further, it should be "work" to wait if its romantic. If someone has no attraction in the beginning changes are slim to none they will later on. And the fact you had to make an effort is where the "value" in the effort is at, right? (-: You are "willing to wait" because she is "worth the wait". It has nothing to do with being a "pal" or a "friend" at all. LoL It is like playing with a loaded gun, it is about safety and respect . .. you know you are next to fire and can get yourself or her hurt if you mess this up, so you try to approach it carefully.

We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.