Friends of the opposite sex and dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Friends of the opposite sex and dating
Sat, 06-09-2012 - 11:51am
Hi all, I'm new here; well, sort of new. I used to post on this board a while back, but I stopped and now I'm back :smileyhappy: I'm looking for some advice in handling 2 men in my life. And everyone here has always been so helpful and supportive! First of all, I broke up with my fiancé in August, 2010, 6 weeks before the wedding. It was really traumatic and heartbreaking, so I haven't been able to open myself up to anyone new in all this time. I've dating a bit, but there was never a connection (probably because I wouldn't let there be one). Just after I resigned myself to staying single forever, I meet Will. We started out as friends. He is not my type. I usually go for muscular/athletic types with lots of tattoos, who wax more parts of their body than I do and are usually prettier than me. Lol I had no romantic interest in Will at first, there was no physical attraction whatsoever. But things just evolved. I became more attracted to him the more we spent time together, and after weeks of fighting the battle, I finally gave in and let myself like him in that way. While all this is going on, I have a guy friend, Shane, who was actually my first boyfriend 20 years ago, and the first guy I ever had sex with. we reconnected through Facebook while I was on my hiatus from dating. Right from the start I've been honest about not wanting anything more, despite our past. So he termed himself my "straight gay friend." But I know he wants more, so I don't discuss my dating life with him. And I don't want to lose his friendship or hurt his feelings, so my reason for not wanting to date him has been that I don't want a relationship, and I expect to be single indefinitely. This is true (at least until Will), but only a half truth...I wouldn't be interested even if I had been actively looking, but I kept that second part from him. Why hurt his feelings? At least that was my reasoning, now I fear I have backed myself into a corner because I think he's been thinking that he'll just wait until I'm ready. I don't think I've lead him on, but maybe I have by trying to spare his feelings? But he's going to be hurt when he finds out about Will, anyway. I guess I never expected to accidentally fall in love (or, at least really strong like at this point) with anyone again. Ugh. I don't know wha to do. I don't want to lose Shane over some guy who, in all likelihood -judging by the past-is only temporary. Yet, I know the situation how it is now couldn't go on forever, even if Will wasn't in the picture. I guess I just have to be honest with him and come clean, but I don't know how to go about it. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? Sorry for the long post, and thanks for reading if you got this far :smileyhappy:
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 9:09am
You have really good instincts - how about saying something along the lines of this...
(Acknowledge the friendship) - say that you're glad that you both have had a chance to become reacquainted and it is so nice that have a male friend who you can talk to. But sometimes when men and women hang out and talk a lot, one of them starts thinking there's more.
(Let him save face in this) - say that even though you doubt he's thinking that, you just want to make sure that he knows that it is just a friendship, there will never be anything more.
(Ease in about dating) - ask if has he met anyone recently, you would be glad to give him ideas of how women think and you could use his help about guys too.
All you can do is be honest, what he does is out of your control. If he goes hurt feelings on you and disappears for a while or still hangs on hoping for more, then that is all on him. But the reaction will be worse the longer this lasts if he does want more. The right thing for you to do is to be upfront.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 9:22am
I would tell Shane that you've met someone. It's as simple as that...even if it is a blow to his ego at first, I'm sure he'll get over it(if he's a good friend).