friends vs. letting it go?
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| Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:46am |
Hi!
2 months ago, I was introduced to a great guy who is recently separated (wife asked for a divorce). When we met, there was an instant connection and spent the entire evening talking and discovered that we would soon be neighbors - he had just bought a house on the same street (but several blocks away) where I had just bought a house, but he was planning to move in July and I was moving in that next day back in May. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. I'm a 42 single and available woman and he is 44 with a son. He asked for my number and although I gave it to him, I honestly wasn’t sure anything would come of it since he is just now going through the divorce process.
The day after we met, he stopped by my new house to welcome me to the neighborhood since I was moving in that day. Then a week later, he called to ask if I would meet him for a beer at the neighborhood pub which I did. I really like him as a person and know some mutual friends who say he's a great guy. While we were out, he mentioned that his life is in a transition w/ the pending divorce but said that he thought we have a lot in common and would like to "see me" which I thought meant, date me. He asked me out for the next evening and I said yes but then called the next day to cancel, apologizing and saying that he "had a great time talking to me and really likes me a lot but something came up" and had to cancel. I assumed this was the big blow off, that maybe he changed his mind since he is going through a divorce. I told him that it was no problem, I understand that he has a lot going on in his life right now and we would do it another time.
Two weeks later, he called and asked me to join him on a hike for that coming weekend. Keep in mind that at this point, we have not been physically involved (except a few kisses) but I feel a strong attraction (mental and physical) from him and I am very attracted to him as well. When he picked me up to go hiking, he had packed a picnic for us. We hiked and had great conversations - we really hit it off again! At one point when we were picnicking, he leaned over and kissed me but I was a little hesitant and then after a brief romantic moment, pulled back. I am reluctant due to his status of being so recently separated and since I really like him, I felt that I need to take this slow. I'm also worried about the things I have heard and read about dating someone going through a divorce and how it never works out with the first romance after the marriage, being the rebound person, etc.
On the ride home from our hike, he talked about his divorce and told me that his life is complicated right now but wants to be friends. I was thinking to myself, what about that kiss he initiated earlier, that's not being friends!? He acts confusing sometimes but at the same time is direct, sincere and seems to care enough about me to keep me informed of his feelings and thoughts and where things stand w/ him. It felt like he was trying to explain how confused he is and I respect him for that. I have never been with a man who is so open about his feelings. I love the way this man treats me, with respect and he is a gentle person who seems to want to do the right thing. I sense that he has feelings for me but is struggling with it. Each time we have been together (which has only been a few times), I have been very low-key and just try to go with the flow of the conversation. I haven't initiated anything with him because I don't want to make him feel pressured right now. I haven't asked questions about us but he seems to want to discuss his situation with me which I think is considerate. He has been honest from the beginning and I feel like on one hand, he really enjoys my company but I also feel like he maybe trying to avoid feelings for me because after we spend any time together, he pulls away and I don't hear from him for awhile.
It’s been a month now since I’ve last seen him and although we had a discussion about being friends, he has not made much contact since, other than replying to a few casual emails I sent. However, he did tell me about all the things he has going on in his life right now which includes selling his house (with his wife) and moving out. He also said that he was taking his son camping for a week and he moved into his new house this past weekend. I know I can't expect much right now but I have developed feelings for him. Maybe I won't hear from him again at all and perhaps he said "let's be friends" as a blow off but if I do hear from him again, I'm not sure what to do. I really like him (which I haven’t told him) but I don't want to get hurt or be a rebound. My question is, do I try to develop the friendship and see what happens or walk away now to avoid possibly getting hurt later? I really feel like this relationship could have great potential down the road but I'm not sure how to handle it at this point. Any insight, two sense, advice you may have would be much appreciated! Thanks!

Let it go, and I can't say that enough.
Thanks for the post. Actually, it's not what it sounds like - sorry my post was confusing. He's been seperated for a few months now, happened to meet me and seems to really like me but is struggling with his divorce at the same time. It can happen! However, he is dealing with a lot, is in therapy and told me that he's not ready for a relationship but wants to be friends so, I was just wondering if I should be friends right now and see what happens when he has addressed his issues and is ready to date.
But you don't want to be just friends- that was pretty clear from your first post.
I think that until he actually calls you and wants to spend time with you, any discussion of whether or not to be friends with him is kind of pointless.
Cross that bridge when you come to it, but in my experience, trying to be "friends" with someone you're interested romantically is difficult if not impossible.
Sheri