FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX!?!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX!?!?!?
16
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 6:17pm
I was with my ex, for 2.5 years. We were eachother's first love and we broke up and haven't spoken since March. Our last communication with eachother (in March) was through texting and since I was in a very sour mood about the break-up, our short text conversation wasn't so nice. I have been working to put my life back together, get back up on my feet and live my life happily. The last time we spoke in person, he said though we were breaking up he did not want me out of his life, he still loved me, and I could call him anytime. Well, I didn't call him or contact him....not until almost 3 months later in early June, which was an email that ONLY said "hey, how are you?" and he did not respond. Him and I shared a lot together, we were very deeply connected, and I don't want to burn any bridges. I know he probably thinks I hate him (which I don't)...I just want to be friendly with him, and not have any bad blood between us. We have many mutual friends, and his parents and I have kept in slight contact. He does have a new girlfriend, so that may be keeping him from talking to me, but I'm not sure. I've never been in this siutation before so I am pretty confused. Should I not even try being friends? Should I not contact him again, at all? It's been 4 months since we've spoken...is that too late? too soon? I guess just in the long run, if we were to run into one another, I'd really want it to be a nice encounter, not awkward....and have good memories and things to say about my first love.

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 8:17pm

Don't contact him at all.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 8:59pm
I think you'll find five, maybe ten years down the road you won't care about "having great memories of your first love". As shy indicated, life goes on. Yours will too and all of this will be a distant memory. You may not ever forget him but as for the good memories vs bad, whether you two kept in touch for a while, were friend or not, all of that stuff sort of dissipates over time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 10:35pm
ITA with shy. It is hard, but hardly anyone is able to remain friends. My ex-husband and I are forced to to remain only friendly terms because of our children. My first boyfriend after the divorce and I tried to remain friends but it does not work. Some people are meant to stay in our lives and others are meant to just pass through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 7:16am
I don't mean friends necessarily as "hey, lets hang out" but just being on good terms. I know there is some bad blood between us, and it's killing me!
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:02am

Sometimes you just have to let the "bad blood" go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 7:23pm
I'm not trying to make him deal with any issues at all. What's so wrong with wanting to be on good terms with an ex?
He told me I could call him anytime...that's why it was weird he didn't respond to my email. BUT....weird thing just happened...I haven't seen him since MARCH 4TH...and we JUST drove by one another. We did a little wave and kept going. It was so weird. This literally just happened within the hour. Would this be the primetime to email him? I was wondering what he was thinking as he saw me. So by him waving, and not ignoring me....it seems like we could be friendly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 9:22pm

My feeling is that being friendly and still knowing each other IS possible if all the romantic feelings are gone from each person. But only *if*.

I had an ex who still knew some of his exes while we were together. I was not bothered by it and enjoyed her. That is because I knew he didn't love her anymore and she was married. So it can happen.

I understand your not wanting to let go of someone you really connected with. You could give it one more try and if he does not respond just let it go. It would be in his court at that point.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 6:32pm

hey =),

A married mans opinion. I think it would be best to move on. You two both broke up for a reason that someone was unhappy. Its not bad to be friends with your ex...but more like lite talking here and there. Just remember the times you both had together and learn from them.

My first girlfriend who i was with for 4 1/2 years msged me to tell me congrats on my marriage. I found it ackward since she ended out relationship, but i knew that it ended because it was the best for the both of us. There are no hard feelings. Just know that roller coaster relationships aren't fun either. Thats what we didn't want. It becomes a cycle after that.

I feel its best if you distance yourself even with the family. Staying in contact is alright, but like i said...lite contact. There are many people out there in the world to meet and just learn from the good / bad times you both had to evolve your next one.

Good luck on your adventure. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 9:48pm

I had a boyfriend where we pledged and vowed to be best friends after our breakup, but turned out he had no intentions of doing so...this was his misguided way of "letting me down gently" at the time, with many confusing weeks to follow before it hit me that, "Wait! He didn't mean what he said at all!"

My first love from a 4.5 year relationship, we tried sooo hard to keep the "friends" thing going. If it'd been kept to friendly, lite conversation (as a prev. poster suggested) I think things would have been okay, but I found him still wanting to rehash and dissect "Us" stuff when I, for example, took him out to pizza for his birthday. I was like, been there, done that...we were in totally different places, mentally, about our failed relationship. He also got all uppity, too, when I began dating someone else...not out of any remaining feelings for me, but because he'd been on blind dates like a fiend that all amounted to nothing, and I had "won the contest." All bent out of shape because I'd found someone else first...really immature. Then Wham! he is engaged to a girl on their 2-mo anniversary. WTF?

CONCLUSION: Friends with exes is a "Neato" idea at first, but it was more frustration and drama than it was worth.

I'm not saying that this is what's happening in your case. Just my experience, and why I believe that in MOST cases, friends with exes is a bad idea. It VERY VERY hard to cut the ties, esp. when, like I sense from your posts, you want nothing more than to hear from that person, or maybe settle up on some bad feelings. If you do email him, will you be checking constantly to see if/what/when a reply comes? DON'T GIVE HIM THAT POWER.

I DO tend to brood lots over failed relationships...the temptation to contact or email can be strong. Resist it! Find other ways to occupy your mind. Exercises, try a new activity you've always wanted to, get in touch with old friends, watch movies (no romance) to get your mind off it, if all else fails. If I really can't stop thinking about it, I journal to get it out of my system, and often start to see things in a new light and work through it. Years from now, you will remember the good times, and the ill feelings will go away, or at least fade.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 11:00pm
WOW OK SO......
Today, when I left work....I looked at my phone, I had 1 missed call and voicemail. IT WAS MY EX!!!!! SO WEIRD SINCE I HAVEN'T HAD CONTACT WITH HIM IN 4 MONTHS!!! I listened to the voicemail and he said he had something very important to ask me. I called him back and he asked me if I have been tested for HPV. He told me that his Girlfriend has it!!! We lost our virginity to eachother so, I doubt it came from me or him, but she has had multiple partners. Anyway, we talked for 15 minutes, caught up a little, and had a friendly conversation. At the end he said "it was good talking to you, talk to you later. bye sweetie" In my head I was thinking "don't sweetie me!!!!" (since he broke my heart.) But I am hoping we can keep this light, friendly contact. Who knows what will happen in life. Maybe we will stay friends, maybe we'll end up together, maybe we'll go our seperate ways. I just want to be on good terms with him.

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