Furious

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Furious
12
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 7:03pm

You might remember that about a month ago, my sister's ex had her arrested for kicking him while he was forcing her out of the house and leaving bruises on her arms.  This is his second accusation of domestic abuse, and both times she was defending herself against his attacks.  This time, he kept their baby and has had her ever since, refusing to let my sister see her.  My sister has since gotten a lawyer and filed for custody.  On Thursday, he called mad because she got a lawyer.  Stupid jerk.  Did he think she wasn't going to fight for her daughter or defend herself against his accusations? 

So her first birthday is next Saturday.  My sister just texted me, saying that they talked and came up with a plan to share custody 50/50- he gets a week, then she gets a week.  I am NOT happy that she's agreeing to let this psychopath have my niece half the time.  He can't afford diapers, daycare, or even food for the baby.  I asked her if they were making it legal, and she said "lol yeah we're making it legal".  Which makes me think she caved and isn't going to.  On top of that, they're having her birthday party at a park in the town where he lives.  I get that they need to get along for my niece's sake, but I am furious at this boy and I do NOT want to see him next Saturday.  I told my sister that I don't like him (I've never expressed an opinion about him before), never have, and I refuse to be nice to him.  I told her I don't want to talk to him at all.  If he tries to talk to me, I cannot guarantee that I will be able to control what I say to him.  It takes a lot- and I mean A LOT- to get me mad.  I'm beyond mad. 

Oh...and get this- she said they are meeting at the park on Monday and then "hopefully" he'll let my sister have the baby.  Hopefully???  He's messing with her mind.  We don't even know for sure that she's still in his care, healthy, or that he hasn't sent her out of state with a family member.  If she gets her back Monday, then she'll have her until Saturday and then they'll trade off again.  So he gets her for a month, while living in chaos with his drunk buddies, and she gets her for six days.  Grrr...

I'm gonna go try to run off some of this frustration, but it never really works!!!

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: shywon
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 8:50pm

Yes what your sister is doing is really dumb.  She needs something in writing or he could do anything he wants & she'll have no leg to stand on.  Unfortunately I guess she needs to learn things the hard way. :(  I hope he does give her the baby--maybe while she has the baby, then you could convince her to go to court.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: shywon
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 8:59pm

Hopefully I'm wrong and she really is going to get a legally binding agreement.  She does have a lawyer, and paternity action has been filed (from what my mom told me), but that doesn't mean she'll follow through.  If she doesn't get it in writing, it'll take him pulling his crap again and again for her to realize his words mean nothing. She's young, and he's her first real boyfriend, though, so she doesn't know how manipulative men can be.  She truly wants to believe he's got some good in him, even though she knows he's a liar.  I truly know he has no good in him.  I guess it's the 14 year age difference. 

Running did not get rid of all the frustration, so I'm going out for a drink later.  For some reason, when I'm angry I always want a drink or two, and sometimes I even end up having more fun.  I guess pissed-off me is fun to hang around. 

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: shywon
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 7:31pm

I hope you're wrong too.  Right now, they are trying to get along but wait until a few months down the road when something happens to piss him off and he decides to press bogus charges again or keep the baby from her just to hurt her. 

We went through that crap with my brother's crazy ex and his girls for four years before their divorce was finalized and a parenting plan was put into place.  It was torture.  

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: shywon
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 7:43pm

That's what I tried to tell her.  I don't think any of her friends have been through this yet, and they are the ones she's listening to I think.  A lot of them have kids, but only one has an ex and I don't think he's crazy. 

I'm thinking I might need to spike my drink at the party Saturday, plus take an extra happy pill!  Ha!  The sad thing is, I'm the calmest one in my family.  My oldest niece is a loose cannon (she pulled a gun on her brother's deadbeat leech girlfriend when she wouldn't get off the property), her mom is just as pissed off, and my next youngest sister has a temper too.  My stepdad (the baby's grandpa) and my brother in law were (jokingly??) discussing how to dispose of a body the last time he pulled crap.  The only thing that kept my stepdad out of jail was that the sheriff's department was there.  Yeah...I don't think this boy has any idea of what he's up against with my family.  My sister is tired of fighting.  He's sucked it all out of her.  The rest of us are just getting started.

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: shywon
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 8:12pm
Well, all I can say is, my brother hired a very good attorney and she has learned that any time she tries to pull something, he's going to get him involved. It's curtailed a lot of BS. I hope she goes ahead and hires one, a good one! I haven't had to be in my ex SIL's presence once since 2007 and boy, am I ever thankful for that! I feel for you!
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: shywon
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 8:27am

I really hope my sister keeps her attorney, because that's what's scaring the boy right now.

I couldn't fall asleep last night because I just couldn't get them off my mind.  I just don't know what this boy is capable of.  I finally took melatonin and fell asleep.  I woke up at least three times, and each time it was from a dream where unsavory things were happening to the boy.  If he knew the thoughts I'm having about him, he'd realize he's worried about the wrong sister (he's actually said he's afraid my sister is going to kill him in his sleep...ha!).

Not that I'd ever do anything, but it's fun to think about.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
In reply to: mhishon
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 10:04am

Hey Shy,

I don't want to be the devil's advocate here.......you have given me lots of great advice so reading this thread, I thought I should share my honest opinion........

I can absolutely see why your sister should get a lawyer involved and solidify things.  Unfortunately, because he is the father of the baby, he most likely will get at least partial custody.  Unless you can prove that the baby's in immediate danger in his care....

I can understand too that you're protective of your sister (of course) and angry that he would treat her that way.  I guess I've just seen a few cases like this and yes - even though the ex is terrible - it's less stressful on everyone around if everyone cooperates.

When my parents got divorced, they were so mad at eachother, they each ran up upwards of $50k in legal bills........in this case I hope that if there is cooperation on both sides, it will lessen the financial and legal burden on them both.

I am also worried that it's worrying you so much.....is it just the welfare of the baby? I can understand that certainly.....hopefully you can help guide your sister through this time and help to have the most positive outcome possible (unfortunately the situation is going to suck......they all do by their nature), but the main thing is everyone's wellbeing.

I hope I explained that correctly!! I just don't want to see anyone go off the deep end or have any lasting acrimony that could possibly make things worse all round........

Mel

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: shywon
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 7:50pm

It's not about keeping him from the baby.  It's about him not keeping the baby from us.  Maybe you missed the part where he took her and has not allowed my sister or anyone else in the family to see her for a month.  Sure he'll get to see her, but it really shouldn't be 50/50.  It can't be once she gets school aged because they live in different towns. 

I absolutely don't have to like this boy.  I don't ever want to see him or talk to him again.  My sister doesn't want to either, but she has to.  I'm afraid he's going to put my sister in the hospital.  He's hurt her before.  If he can hit my sister when he's mad at her, then he'll hit the baby when he's mad as well.  Unfortunately, it'll take him actually doing that before his "perfect" little persona he puts on is tarnished.  Then it'll be too late. 

My sister has been trying to "cooperate" for months now.  He's the one who is causing trouble.  Not only has he done things to my sister, but also to my mother.  He also owes my mom $1800 for repairs to a truck he sold immediately after.  She bought him a laptop and gave him money to take a GED class that he never took.  I could go on and on about the crap this boy has pulled.  As long as I don't have to see him or talk to him, the baby never has to know how much I hate him.  Nothing is ever going to change that. I don't care how much I "should" try to get along.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
In reply to: mhishon
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 9:50pm

Ouch.....I'm sorry - I don't think I read through this thoroughly enough to get the kind of person you're dealing with.  Hitting a baby? OMG......I would be fighting tooth and nail against that.......

Good luck with this.......take care of yourself and keep us updated.

Mel :(

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: shywon
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 8:45pm

I thought I'd post an update after going home this weekend.

He did return my niece on Monday like he said he would.  My mom thinks that his dad and stepmom (who is a lawyer) talked some sense into him, but we don't know.  The plan was to have her birthday party there at a park, but it was changed to my mom's house and he did not come.  My sister was supposed to take the baby back to him Saturday afternoon so he could spend time with her on her birthday, and then pick her back up on Sunday.  Well, he called when she was getting ready to leave and said he didn't have a babysitter for Sunday and not to bring the baby.  My sister had plans Saturday night, so it's a good thing we were there to babysit (my mom and another sister were there, so she had three babysitters).  I could tell my sister was very irritated that he cancelled.  She really does want her daughter to know her dad, but he's just not reliable.  So I guess she's taking her back for a few days on Thursday.  We'll see if that happens or not.  I was really worried the baby would have picked up some bad habits, but she seemed okay.  She's gained a lot of weight (for a baby).  She was throwing tantrums when she never did that before, but that just may be a phase.  The one at 2am was a real doozy. 

So hopefully things will all be legal soon, but I anticipate this will not be the last drama he causes. 

 

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