FWB Input Anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
FWB Input Anyone?
11
Sun, 12-08-2013 - 7:38pm

Two things have prompted this post.  First in reading many of the responses to my Crazy In Love post it appears that many of you would rather not have all the emotional drama.  Secondly, my latest conversation with MB. I had my work Christmas party last night, at which I may have had a few too many.  MB heard from his friend that did attend and was all worried about me driving home.  Through texting he wanted to come drive me home (he did not go to the party) or have his friend take me.  I told him I was fine and able to drive myself....and I was.  So he called me later to make sure I got home safely and of course we ended up talking for over an hour as usual with us.First he told me again that his feelings for me confuse him and because he doesn't know what to do he does nothing. He told me that he doesn't believe in having sex to have sex. To him sex means a one night stand, he likes to make love.  He then mentioned him becoming my boy toy,lol. I told him that seemed a bit contradicting and asked how he would be able to keep feelings out of the way.  He told me that he wasn't sure he could and that he could see himself falling in love with me, which scares him. I've already told him in the past that I didn't think I could do a fwb because I felt my feelings would get in the way. And it's not that I have anything against people having a fwb thing, just not sure I can. Or maybe it's just that I couldn't with him?  So anyone here that has had or would have that sort of thing I just wonder how you do or would do it.  Do you pick men you find unattractive?  And if so how do you become intimate with someone you are not attracted to?  Or do you pick men that are somehow unavailable, either married, or emotionally unavailable? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sun, 12-08-2013 - 9:40pm
I have never explicitly done 'fwb' but I was in a relationship where I was clear to the guy that I wasn't interested in anything long term...at the time, I thought he was on the same page, but looking back I think he actually really cared for me and thought I would change my mind....I have read other posts from you about this guy...I agree with others who have told you that he is not playing fair with you. I am not interested in marriage or even a relationship, so I am fine flirting with unavailable men...I am not 'wasting' my effort because I am all about the moment. But if you want a long term relationship leading to maybe marriage, I think you need to get this guy out of your life. You are fantasizing that he is great, and I think that is preventing you from looking for someone else because. No real guy measures up to fantasy. The other option is to go after him, knowing that in the end he will probably hurt you,and then you can heal andmove on. Continuing to dance around this guy who is playing with you isn't moving you forward....just my opinion...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sun, 12-08-2013 - 9:50pm
I have never explicitly done 'fwb' but I was in a relationship where I was clear to the guy that I wasn't interested in anything long term...at the time, I thought he was on the same page, but looking back I think he actually really cared for me and thought I would change my mind....I have read other posts from you about this guy...I agree with others who have told you that he is not playing fair with you. I am not interested in marriage or even a relationship, so I am fine flirting with unavailable men...I am not 'wasting' my effort because I am all about the moment. But if you want a long term relationship leading to maybe marriage, I think you need to get this guy out of your life. You are fantasizing that he is great, and I think that is preventing you from looking for someone else because. No real guy measures up to fantasy. The other option is to go after him, knowing that in the end he will probably hurt you,and then you can heal andmove on. Continuing to dance around this guy who is playing with you isn't moving you forward....just my opinion...
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 12-08-2013 - 10:00pm
This guy is soooo playing you. That "make love" line is classic. Please do not enter into a fwb with him. I've had two in my life. The first was in college. We had amazing chemistry, but I didn't really like him as a person. He was incredibly arrogant. Great sex, though. The second was a couple of years ago. The guy chased me for months, but I turned him down repeatedly because he already had three kids and I knew he didn't want more. When I finally gave in, it was apparent he only wanted sex. He was very much into himself- far more than me. It was okay sex. Things just fizzled with both of them. There were no feelings with either- just chemistry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-08-2013 - 10:53pm

I've never had a FWB.  Of course such a thing really didn't exist when I was younger--maybe guys would lie that they really liked you when they just wanted sex but people didn't come right out and admit they only wanted sex.  In a way, I think it's a good thing because at least people are being honest about their motives.  I know that before I couldn't have done it.  I'm not sure I could now.  I wouldn't pick someone I found unattractive per se because then why would you want to have sex with that person?:  My 2nd DH is not an attractive guy, yet somehow I was attracted to him and the sex was great.  I think to have a FWB and not get hurt, you would need to have the chemistry but there would have to be some reason why you don't want a relationship.  I have this married guy friend (who never seems to spend any time with his wife) and we flirt all the time.  I don't condone messing around with married people but I think just as an example I could probably have a FWB with him if he offered because there would be no way that I'd think that he would be good for a relationship even if he separated or divorced his wife.  I just know he wouldn't be trustworthy.

I also wondered about my friend G--what would I do if he offered?  I'd probably go for it because although I find him attractive and funny, I can see that there are reasons why we would be good partners.  Just one example is that he thinks he is frugal but it seems kind of cheap to me, like eating the $1 slice of pizza would be ok on occasion but that's not my idea of a great date night.

But as for you there is no way at all that you should even entertain the idea of having a FWB with MB--you are already sad that he's not interested in a relationship with you, it would just make it 100x worse because the female hormones cause bonding after sex.  And I agree that he is manipulating you (or at least it seems like it to us) by saying that he thinks he could fall in love with you, yet he doesn't want a relationship with you--if he really cared so much about you, then why is he so hung up on age?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 12:03am

 I chose because she was not my ideal.  Body wise yes, but she was darker toned and she also likes big men I am average.  So it fit well.   I suggest that they don't stay the night either; at least at first.   Some times we would hunt together.  Since we knew each other's preferances. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 12:12am

wow sounds as if this guy is hurting your feelings and you know what they say?? Talk is cheap.. Its the actions that you want to see that makes you know they are interested..... If you can read the book by Steve Harvey . Act like a woman and think like a man or something like that.. Or He is not that into you.... you can gain perspective on this..

As far as the fwb you will yes def. get hurt if you do this because you really like him alot or he could fall for you and you both live happily ever after... So its a gamble either way as Happy said.. Ether do it and have sex and know you could get hurt or move on.

Most of my life though I was a high risk taker but I got hurt alot..... looking back I dont regret anything but at the time the pain consequences and stakes were pretty high

well I guess I didnt make much sense so hope you can sort this all out..

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 2:15pm

I don't think women are wired for FWB.  I think they are usually the one who's secretly hoping for more . . . I think it's kind of cruel to do that to oneself, but at the same time, I wouldn't judge anyone for it. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 3:45pm

I never did understand this FWB thing. Once a woman starts sleeping with a man it really does create that emotional bonding that really changes the dynamics of the friendship. I think it's a rare woman that can have that kind of relationship with a man and then send him home without feeling that emotional connection. Personally, for me it would NEVER work. It would be like "hey I'd like to sleep with you once in a while, but don't EXPECT anything else." Eventually MOST women will start wanting more than that. To me it would seem almost like a slap in the face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 3:45pm

I never did understand this FWB thing. Once a woman starts sleeping with a man it really does create that emotional bonding that really changes the dynamics of the friendship. I think it's a rare woman that can have that kind of relationship with a man and then send him home without feeling that emotional connection. Personally, for me it would NEVER work. It would be like "hey I'd like to sleep with you once in a while, but don't EXPECT anything else." Eventually MOST women will start wanting more than that. To me it would seem almost like a slap in the face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 6:18pm

Lol, I am not thinking about fwb with MB!  I have feelings for him so I know that is not possible for me.  As I said, I even told him that my feelings would get in the way.  But I do have another possibility but the problem is HE wants more and I don't.  So, it may work for me but not for him.  That is why I don't understand the whole fwb thing and decided to ask.  It just seems to me that ONE of the involved will end up wanting more and someone will get hurt. As for MB I am trying not to waste my time on him and I do believe that if I found someone that I could connect with on a level other than just sex I could get him out of my mind. MB does has faults other than the obvious age hang up he has.....he is definitely a mommy's boy.  And even though I think that his relationship with her makes him more caring than the average man it also is annoying because I don't think he would ever have the guts to tell her even if we ever did hook up.  And he is slightly unsociable and a bit moody. I try to focus on his faults and we hardly see each other anymore either because of a change in shift schedules so that helps.  And to a degree he does lead me on but at the same time he has always been honest with me. He could tell me what I want to hear just to get what he wants but he doesn't.  I think it's the typical "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you either" scenario. I mean it's not abnormal for him to want to have sex with someone he finds attractive.  It's just not right that he keeps pulling me in only to let me down constantly.  Anyway, my questions were not really related to him even though he prompted the thought.  I guess I'm old school and just don't really get how it could work. If I had an inkling that it would be an easy thing I would definitely consider it.

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