gee i've been away so long

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2005
gee i've been away so long
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 2:04pm

i am trying so hard to recover from being raped, leaving my Beau last year, and living with my 82 yr. old mom(until i get my own place hopefully by mid summer).

I was doing so well too financially till February. I had just been kicked off welfare system because i finally made too much money..yippeee go me... that was feb. 16th. then at work on feb 20th. my knees locked up my hip popped out of joint but this problem was excalating because of my rape. becasue of my known knee pains and limp all the time at least since january of this year i was not elegable for work comp.
i had turned in every goddarned paperwork to the welfare department for a medical card to help pay my med bills i currently have...3 times applied. 3 times denied...so this 4th time i aquired the help of a advocate thru the hospital...a lawyers proxy of sorts who has helped me reapply for benefits. I have the welfare department cornered now, but i still will not hold my breath thinking they will give me the coverage and the emergency food stamps and cash. I need the cash because i was uneligable to receive unemployment as well. WHY?

well i was eligable to receive them under the medical provisions but unelgable under the regular provisions...and since i had one uneligable notice it cancels out the eligable one, therefore rendering me uneligable period. SUCKS!!!!

anyway i have been trying to fund my income via my other jobs, avon, Ameriplan, and bittersweet candles. barely squeeking by.

I have been weakened so much that it can be a strain on my leg, knee and foot to drive(right leg is the one that locked up and hurts the most).

I have a new lease on life period and it only includes my kids. i am not getting into a deeply involved relationship with any man.
ROFl, omg, this brings me to tell ya'll that there is this dude who has become really obsessed with me. I have told him to his face, in emails that i am not interested. HE has fallen in love with me and he is insisting on doing the "waiting" till i "come around for him. OMG, if this continues i may ahve another legal battle on my hands jsut to get him off my back. I jsut put a guy in jail for raping me. From now on, no man better mess with me becuase ill put'em in jail before they have a chance to touch me. Like this dude now...he is nice to a point but has been separated(not divorced) from his wife for 6 years, he lives in a hotel room(literally), does not own or drive a car, depends on others to taxi him, is so dang chivaruous it spooks me. I want a relaxed, liberal man. not so much a bad boy, but a man who sees me as his equal, not a woman to place on a pedistal and worship. I swear this man who is apparently in love with me is doing as such.

my mom thinks of me as a BAD MOM and the movie we were watching was trashy garbage that children should not know and learn about...those are her exact words. why? becuase i sat down with my children who are pre-teens and watches a pg-13 movie(28 days with sandra bullock). my kids are 10 and 11 and they are very mature and know more about drugs, rehab stuff, and even sex, then i did at their age...only because i was hidden and kept sheltered from this knowledge. Sex and drugs were topics never discussed in my house except by threat...mom told me shed disown me if i ever did drugs or had sex before i was married. OMG, no wonder i turned out the way i did. rebellious and narssasistic,and i lost my virginity in college way before i was married. As for the drugs, i was exposed to plenty, tried some, but never became an avid user of drugs.
With all the openness of todays society of course the kids today know more than we 30-somthings ever did at that young age. My mom cannot accept that ...she is still stuck in the 1940's and refuses to relent or adjust to 2006 social forms. Even my kids feel the wrathe of gramma when they are down visiting her.

i know i have come a great ways in my recovery and healing but i sure have a lot more to do. My mom makes it hard. for example because of me being beaten up severely the night i was raped i have a trigger that when someone even pops my on the head with their hands or touches my head i have flashbacks and get defensive physically , verbally, and emotionally. well, being that mom is catholic she got palms on palm sunday and when she came home she startyed hitting the kids over the head with them for a "BLESSING" so she was saying...and she neared me and i said please do not do that its a trigger" she wails up a big whopper of a HIT and slammes those palms onto of my head twice and then twice in the back of my head and i lost it. screaming and yelling at her and waving my hands around defensively and i ran away crying. HER REACTION: get over it, i didnt hurt you, your being childish.
YOU would think as a mom who should have unconditional love for her children would be compassionate and supportive of my healing progress and know that i have triggers that affect me harshly still(its only been two years siince i was raped). It is easy for me to speak about, but when i have trigger events i go backwards a bit.
I guess my mom has no unconditional love for me becasue she did such a thing. She doesnt get it. she never will. she even at times calls meby my full name which is a trigger becuse my attacker called me by my full birth name the entire night.

Ok well i think i have vented enough about some recent things ...
I know this helps me feel better just sharing...i know its not a solution, but i shared,
like the recovering addicts i saw in 28 days.

I feel like i have a long way to go to get my life in the order i will enjoy it.
I am greatful that a friend of mind introduced me to my new job for ameriplan. I feel this is the job that will get me out of debt as opposed to working a minimum wage position.

ok well...i think i better end my vent session. this is pretty long.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for listening. Thanks for your support.

Patti