Get Married This Year

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Get Married This Year
35
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 8:01am

I saw this book and read some excerpts on Amazon. To me, it's pretty much like every book I've picked up like this. The author feels that it's important to set a time-frame, and as the blurb says, "Forget waiting for Mr. Right! You can go out and find "The One" yourself when you follow this plan."

I know this has been discussed before, but have you ever know anyone in the history of love, who started looking for love or marriage and found it in 365 days by following a plan? 

A very good book I read a number of years ago, With or Without a Man, has a wonderful list in it, something like "The Nine Messages Women Get". One of them is "Find a man!" Another one is, "You'll only meet him when you stop looking." The author points out how opposite those two messages are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 7:19am

Cannot help myself from getting slightly annoyed by such statements. I have been "not looking" the last 15 years, and I am still as single as I ever was.  It might be meant as a comforting remark, but hearing that "he will turn up when you least expect it and you´re not looking" is not making me feel any better. Having not expecting it all these years and still being single, makes it feel rather hopeless. Are there so few single good men out there....? Or is it just me who´s not attractive enough etc etc? Feeling more confident now than ever, but no men to find anyway! Or, they are much too old for me or, of course, taken. My question is, where are all these single guys then? It is frustrating! I´d almost find it a miracle if getting chatted up by some guy these days. As said before, I just wish I´d meet my One around the shelves of the grocery store or at the local café....

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 8:03am

Re: issues

I replied to this yesterday, but somehow it was deleted. 

I think issues are a matter of degrees: some are minor some are major. For instance, addiction would be a major issue. Yes, everyone has personality quirks that could be irritating or incompatible with someone else. But I'm tired of hearing that the reason I am single is that I need to fix myself. It's not that I don't think there are quirks about me that a man might not like, but neither do I think I have major issues. The premise of these books is this: You are broken, that is why you are single; fix what is broken and you will meet someone; if you don't, you are still broken; this book will show you how, now pay $24.95 to solve your problem.

And of course, everyone, especially older people, are going to have baggage. But is it a steamer trunk, or a carry on tote? 

And Free, this statement concerns me: So I might not have that chance again so I guess I have to stay alone and just wait for death. I hope you are being humorous.

Love, FloridaGirl
(with her carry-on tote in hand) 

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 8:08am

Being openly asexual is not a problem for me; but it was more difficult to come to terms with the fact that I'll always be introverted, and I'll always be a homebody.

Do you truly think you are asexual? If so, that would explain a lot of your frustration with women. But I wanted to add: being an introvert does not make a person a homebody, nor does it preclude one from dating and finding a mate. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 10:01am

No I think that there is def. someone out there for all of us but I guess at some point we have to find them or they have to find us.. I mean there is a big world out there. Anything can happen and is possible because that is life. As far as being broken we are all broken to a certain degree.. We have to be because we have lived life enough and no one gets out of this earth without scars and unscathed..

I also think that even people with baggage or have problems find someone.. I think that some people just belong together for some reason ... some people just match together... Its finding them that is the issue.

I think one has to really get out there alot especially as we age to find someone.. Not sure if I believe he will appear or she will appear without doing work... I mean nothing in life just falls in our lap.

As far as waiting for death. I meant I will just live life without anyone if that is my journey  and then when its time the good Lord will call me home...I am not sure I want to look anymore so either God will provide me with someone or I will carry on with my l ife and that is that....

thanks for caring

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 10:38am

Great analogy, FG.  I agree with you completely.  I've never bought a self-help book of any sort.  I'm not putting them down.  I'd just rather spend my time reading a collection David Sedaris essays than something like "I'm Okay, You're Okay". 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 10:46am

 

'I also think that even people with baggage or have problems find someone.. I think that some people just belong together for some reason ... some people just match together... Its finding them that is the issue.'

Absolutely. Every single one of us over the age of 15 has  baggage. We ALL have issues, no matter how many self-help books we read or how many therapy sessions we go to in our lifetime. If we all waited to 'become perfect' so that we could venture out  and find partners, the world would be full of very longely eternally single people. Two people with a mountain of issues and baggage between them can be very happy together despite those issues,  depending what they are,  naturally.

I get soooo annoyed when I read advice on various boards here on village along the lines of 'oh no no no, wait for a year, don't you dare date,  work on your issues, understand what is wrong with you, and then when you are ready it will all happen to you - because you'll have dealt with whatever prevented it from happening before'. As if that good-looking single 50 y old bloke  who goes to the same supermarket/bar/meet up group parties will just sit there and wait patiently for a year and put his life on hold.

It's all about chances and grabbing them with both hands. And  being lucky, or in the right place, at the right time. IMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 3:44pm

That's just sad.   To have cut yourself off from any of those feelings, I can understand protecting yourself.  But if she is standing right in front of you and you turn away out of fear, self preservation or some warped sense of an elevated self.... just sad.

I have bachelor uncles and while I can't say exactly *why* they are single...at this stage in their lives they seem relatively happy.   They do their own thing, show up at family functions and spoil the kids.  I don't feel bad for them because they don't ever talk about women and seem happy with their lives.  And I guess I can see that at well over 50 they probably just can't imagine having some woman in their lives.  Demands, wanting to redecorate, girly stuff .

It would probably be some major culture shock!  

And I have my mom, grandmother and a few aunts who either lost husbands young or divorced and stayed single for the rest of their lives.  I certainly would never tell them to get out there on the prowl, and I understand the devestating hurt of losing The One (or at least I think I do)  Ok, I lie.  I tell my exceptionally well educated, very independent and full of energy mother she needs to find someone.  Her life is busy but not FULL.  And that is what I would want for anyone.   If you are single and your life is full and you feel fullfilled and are not of the mindset to hunt....then kudos!

Some are like that and some just really enjoy being part of a couple...I sure as heck do!!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 3:47pm

I hope this doesn't sound as mean as I am afraid it might....

Don't you know someone and think...'How the h*ll are YOU married?'  

Then I compare.   I weigh less, have a better personality, make more money....whatever it is.   

Why not me too????

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 11:08pm
I do the same thing, Heather. I think it's in our nature as women to compare ourselves to others.

I agree that everyone has issues. I know plenty of people with baggage who found someone very quickly. I work with someone who isn't yet divorced, has two very high maintenance kids, a crazy (soon to be) ex husband, and debt a mile deep. She has two men after her right now. I have none of those things and I've got no one. It doesn't make sense!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 6:34am
Shy, my sentiments exactly!