Getting over someone

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Getting over someone
8
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 1:14pm
Below, Angeleyez said, "I realize now that they best remedy to getting over a break up is to just get out there. Even if it is only on line for now..at least I am trying."

I'm thinking that the best remedy for a heartbreak may be to get out there and move on- at least for me.

I found out two days ago that Joe has a girlfriend. He didn't tell me, I found pictures on his webpage. I was pretty hurt- I never thought he would hurt me that way, because he's always been so honest about everything else. I'm not hurt b/c he's dating someone, just because he didn't at least cut me completely loose. An email would have taken care of that. I'm questioning my judgement at the moment, but I think I'll get past that.

Right now, I'm thinking about putting an ad back up. I really don't like them, and I never had a good response, but maybe it'll at least get me to think about someone else. I've been open to dating someone else since he left, but I haven't been pursuing anything b/c I didn't feel like I needed to. I really hate to be wrong (and none of you truly know how much!).

Should I or shouldn't I put up the ad?



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:03pm
First of all, stop checking his webpage. I think that counts as something to include under the heading of "no contact," and as you've sadly learned, all you've done is upset yourself. Can't blame you--I drove past our old house at 2 am on a Sat nite, found XH's car gone, and it really set my imagination afire--but let that be the LAST time you hurt yourself. That's what I told myself when I drove past, not to hurt myself anymore (and besides, we live so far apart now that he's not worth wasting the gas over).

One more thing I just learned, 90 days after moving out, is, after the passage of some time, is to see how much better or worse life has become w/out him. In my case, when I stopped bemoaning everything and took a hard, objective look at things, I suddenly saw where so many Good Things had happened to me since the split.

My job has gotten more variety and more exciting, so I'm really busy there. My house is coming together slowly but surely, and now I've come to appreciate the peace and serenity that I've created w/in my home that I never had while married (b/c XH was such a "drama queen"). I'm a little $$ strapped sometimes, but it's nothing that can't be resolved w/a little time--and was in fact anticipated, as moving always means spending $$ (and I considered it a good investment in myself).

In short, did my life get better or worse post-divorce--and the answer is a resounding, MUCH MUCH BETTER--which proves that the divorce was the right thing to do.

So maybe part of recuperation is to look at our OVERALL recovery that may or may not include a new man or even dating. Maybe it has more to do w/looking at our lives to see how much improvement has come about, if any, and would it have occurred while still w/Your True Love.

As for putting up an ad right now, only you know if you're ready for that. Right now I still feel like a truck hit me, and I've got knee surgery to look forward to anyway. Personally I don't think you're ready yet, but only you can decide. You might be doing it as an "I'll-show-him" gesture, rather than in a true spirit of having moved on--and you could possibly be hurting yourself by your own hand.

Ash

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:16pm
Right after I broke up with my ex, I put up an ad and went on a few dates. It did help me take my mind of him, even though I didn't end up having any luck with the guys responding to the ad. After about 2 months, I gave up on looking online entirely, but by then, I was at the point where it didn't bother me to not be going out on dates. I've since spent more time with friends and have focused my attention elsewhere. I'm no longer looking for a man, but I still hope that I will meet one soon.

If you are looking for a good distraction, post an ad, but don't get your hopes up about finding your dream guy there. It may happen, but I think it's best not to have those expectations.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:47pm
Thanks, Ash. I don't know if you were around for the whole "Joe Saga" so I'll fill you in. We've known each other for five years, but hadn't been in touch for the last three. We've dated before, I broke up with him, he got engaged to someone else. He was then deployed for a year and she dumped him right before he came back. A few months later, he contacted me again and we sort of rekindled, knowing he'd be deployed again soon. Things were great between us, but he told me not to "get attached" and that he didn't want to hold me back while he was away. He said that when he came back, if we both felt the same way, we'd date again. I was falling for him- and fast. He knew it. He hasn't called since. The only reason I checked his webpage was because I had no idea where he was or if he was dead or alive.

So, he wasn't really a boyfriend, and it's been MONTHS since he's left and I've been open to dating since then, I just haven't- because that's the way my life is. I've felt like he's had me hanging this whole time, though, and he should have just cut me loose so I wasn't wondering or hoping for more when he got back.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:48pm
Hehe..I should give you my zip code so you can check out the guys in my area! I certainly would NOT be looking for my dream man there!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 4:07pm
I think you should but my suggestion is to re-think your approach in light of the Joe Situation - I know you put yourself out there with respect to him early on and intensely - looking back, do you think you should have stayed more grounded - was it worth it to take the approach you did? I say this because I am very very glad that while I did believe that I fell in love with my ex I stayed grounded at the same time so when after 4 months I realized he wasn't able to reciprocate my feelings I was able to distance myself much more easily and two weeks later when he ended things I was able to deal with the breakup very well and moved on quickly - sure I was hurt but I wasn't devastated. Would it have been better to completely let myself go and not do all that work behind the scenes so that he wouldn't catch on to how intensely I felt early on - my answer, for me, has to be NO. I liked that I didn't make him my whole reason for happiness, my whole life, that I didn't overwhelm him with my feelings, etc. I am not saying you did any of that - I don't even know how you interacted with Joe - just sharing.

I think it would have been nice for Joe to tell you about his girlfriend but it wasn't clear to me what type of understanding you had with each other.

I say - put the ad up - choose some awesome photos - if you want to see my profile for ideas, pointers, send me an email (deenahesq@aol.com) and I will either send you my profile or tell you how to find it.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 5:59pm
I don't regret anything that happened between Joe and I. If I hadn't let things go the way they did, I would have had regrets, I'm sure. I would always be wondering "what if". I don't like to "hold back" when I don't want to (there are times I do) because to me, that's not being ME, it's being who I think he wants me to be.

I will email you!! Last time you gave me your address, I totally forgot and now it's lost in the mess of archives. I'm at school right now, or I'd do it when I finish posting!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 8:43pm
Oh, I'm sorry to hear Joe treated you less than respectfully. That's just NOT cool.

I don't know if I'd suggest putting up an ad, just because it might make you feel worse if you don't get responses (and I know you've mentioned that there aren't a lot of participants in your area or something like that). You need to ask yourself if you'd be ok with the possiblity of feeling rejected.

I think I'd try something else, like joining Habitats for Humanity or something (I mention that because they seem to get a lot of male volunteers because it's construction ;-), but it should be something that interests you and has single males as members).

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 10:19pm
Thanks, Sheri. I have wanted to join Habitats for a long time, not just to meet people, but because it seems like something I'd enjoy. The problem is that when I was looking, they didn't have any projects here, and when they do, they are in an area of the city that I wouldn't feel safe driving to alone (not that it's bad, I just don't know the areas). This summer, K told me he joined along with his sister. I dunno how I'd feel about running into him.

I know I could be rejected even more if I put up a new ad, I just feel like I'm not doing anything to meet anyone and I don't know what else to do. Friends keep saying they'll set me up, I say yes, and it never happens. Rejection from strangers is easier than from someone you really care about, too. Plus, I know what to expect online. At least no one is lying to me or leading me on.