Getting used to the single life

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Getting used to the single life
6
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 1:44pm
I've been divorced for three yrs. and 2 of the yrs. I spent living with my x-husband. Unfortunately, it didn't work. I moved into a house with my 2 children in May. I started seeing a guy about 3 wks. later and it was a serious relationship. I didn't expect it to end up that way. Now we are broke up and I'm having a hard time being alone. I have my kids except every other weekend and twice during the week. It is hard learning to be alone again and I get very depressed. I'd like to start dating again and not get involved in a serious relationship again. I'm so used to being with someone and now I hate it. I'd like to find things to do with myself. I try keeping busy and I don't have any extra money to do alot with. I thought about going to a gym or going back to night school but that involves money. I don't like sitting in front of the t.v. every night. Most of my friends are married and don't have time to go out with me. I don't want to end up in the bars again, I'm past that age. How do I find other guys to date and what should I do in the meantime? It's driving me crazy!
Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 1:58pm
It doesn't sound like you should be thinking about dating just yet. You need to find a way to enjoy your life, with or without a guy in it. You seem to anxious to fill the void left by your ex with another man, rather than with friends or other activities.

Try to find activities that are inexpensive, since you said you don't have a lot of money to spend. If you want to take classes, try something through your local public schools. Sometimes they offer classes in such things as languages, cooking, dancing, etc. Perhaps you could get to know other parents by becoming involved in activities your kids like to do. Maybe you could meet some new friends that way. You can always find something to do other than sitting in front of the TV every night if you really want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 2:15pm
it sounds like you're still going through that aweful adjustment period...

in time you'll realise that its much better being alone than being with the wrong guy. there's light at the end of the tunnel, karen! just be patient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 3:20pm
It sounds as if you've never really been alone, so what you're learning now is how to "find your way back." After my own divorce, I hadn't been married long enough to find out how to BE married, and in retrospect my life as a single woman was actually better, so it didn't take very long to "find my way back."

But it helps to have some help too. One of the best books I ever read on the subject was "Live Your Own Life" by Harriet Labarre. It was published in 1970 and is still available at alibris.com (a great website, BTW, if you're a reader). Though dated, the advice still rings true even in these supposed "enlightened" times.

I think what you're going through is finding out who YOU are again. If you've never been single for a significant period of time (ie, years on end; I was 47 when I married for the first time, and 48 when I divorced), you've never really learned how to be w/yourself--and there's a big difference between being BY yourself and being W/yourself. I think that's why a lot of women latch onto a man, any man, or hope they can find some "live prey" soon b/c it's easier to concentrate on someone else rather than focus on ourselves and be forced to deal w/warts, excess hair and all our other flaws.

How sad to think that, by doing so, you're throwing away the most precious gift all singles have: time. It sounds as if during your married life, you've always been focused on someone other than yourself. But now here's your chance to concentrate on no one BUT yourself. Once you change your perspective, the "alone" time you now dread can become the needful "recoup" time that all of us need and should look forward to.

Besides, by learning to enjoy your own companionship, you also become more and more your own woman--and much more selective about the company you cultivate. After awhile, you start to care what YOU think about THEM, and not so much that this or that man has "saved" you. Only you can save yourself, and so you learn more and more that, gee, a lot of these clowns really AREN'T worth cultivating--and by learning to enjoy your own companionship, what, really, have you lost out on?

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 3:36pm

What makes you happy? What were you doing the last time you were alone and you felt JOY? If you don't know the answers to those questions, then you don't know yourself well enough to enjoy your own company :) So then, spend time in a quiet place where you feel "connected" (church, by the river, etc). Sit there and breath, relax, and center yourself. After you are completely relaxed...write down "What is happiness or

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 5:49pm
Excellent Ash!

I married very young and for 22 yrs with 3 kids. I also felt the need to find someone when I first left. It has been 2 years now and I am slowly actually enjoying my freedom and time to myself. I love the way I sometimes get to be alone and sometimes have company (my kids are 21,19 and 14) I do wish to meet someone but learning how to fill my life with other activities that involve meeting new people (not just men) I have made several new single girlfriends along the way and this has been a great support system to my new life. Check out the library for groups, volunteer work, go ALONE to events/festivals to meet new people. I work many hours and now own a house by myself, so lots of chores. I wish I had more time to myself these days!

Read the "purpose of your life" by Carol Adrienne. Very inspirational.

GMEYER
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 5:49pm
Do volunteer work and/or join a community theater group and get involved in parents' groups - loneliness is not a good state/mindset to be in if you want to date. I meet men through friends, family, work and the internet.