The girl I met at the bar
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| Fri, 06-30-2006 - 2:52am |
Hal asked me somewhere about the girl I met a couple months ago at bar and started to "date". To make a long story as short as it could be...I met an attractive sweet girl at bar and looked at her and she looked at me and laughed- I got offended by it b/c I thought she was laughing at how ugly I was or something and left the bar...she asked my friends about me after I left, we ended up going out to lunch and hanging out a few times and then I met her ex boyfriend(we bumped into him at a restaurant) and he was dressed in an expensive suit, drove a mercedes, was built like vin disel, and looked like a model...he was the perfect guy all women want....and that upset the hell outta me..I tried to forget it but I couldnt.
I didnt want to be a weirdo and ask odd questions like do you still love him, do you like good looking guys, do you like men with money...and on and on so I started to make myself "busy" anytime she called and wanted to do something. Then I started to feel so bad about making excuses so I stopped answering her calls a couple weeks ago. She hasnt called in 10 days so it is offically over.
It was either this or get closer to her and then annoy and torment her with my insecruities about her ex boyfriend...she belongs with him they make the perfect couple...I had no business with a girl like her.

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"then I met her ex boyfriend(we bumped into him at a restaurant) and he was dressed in an expensive suit, drove a mercedes, was built like vin disel, and looked like a model...he was the perfect guy all women want...."
Please stop judging all women the same way, as some sort of vain creature who just wants a good looking guy on her arm. Its really beginning to grate now.
My boyfriend is quite small, has greying hair, a definate beer belly, skinny legs and never wears expensive suits but to me he is gorgeous, the best looking guy I know and that to me is totally perfect. Sure I still see other attractive men but they are not a patch on him. We dont all want those model types.
The way you behaved towards her by pushing your own insecurities onto her and second guessing what she wanted is pretty poor I have to say. But until you sort your own head out, I think its wise you dont get involved with anyone else.
Anti Sexy,
I don't frequent this board very often but I've read several of your recent posts so I understand that you have some issues you need to address. However, your post infuriated me. That woman that you hurt, that woman has been me in so many different situations. I was told last week that I was the best looking woman in the room and I always get compliments like that. When men ask me out however, they cannot seem to treat me properly, play it cool and give me mixed messages. If I agree to go out with someone, I don’t go because I feel sorry for them, I go because I have a genuine interest in them so why don’t you let women decide what their business is with you?
I dated a gorgeous cycling instructor a few months ago who had women throwing themselves at him and yet, he still didn't have the confidence to be with me. He treated me exactly the way you treated that girl. I tried to show him I was interested and reassure him that I liked him but all he did was treat me badly. I know to this day that he had strong feelings for me but he was too insecure to be with me and he walked away just like you did without any explanation. I’m a lot better off without him because he could only bring me down as a person and I understood he lacked confidence but all the logic in the world doesn’t take away the hurt and as a person not even as a potential girlfriend, I deserved a lot more respect.
For the record, being sexy is not about the way you look. It's more about the curve of your smile, the skip in your walk, the way you hold your head when you walk into a room, the ability to speak your mind, your self confidence as a person and sexiness as well as beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder. There are a lot of skinny models that grace the catwalk and earn a living from selling lingerie, gym instructors and Vin Diesel look-alikes who don't know the first thing being sexy. The sooner you realise that there will always be someone who is smarter than you, makes more money than you, is better looking than you, has a better body than you, plays sport better than you etc, the more you will be content with the person you are, learn to accept yourself and more importantly learn to like yourself.
The respectful thing to do at this point is to call this woman back and explain to her why you treated her the way you did and that your behaviour was wrong and then walk away. Your behaviour was really selfish and you didn't stop once to think about her feelings. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop focusing on the physical and start doing activities to build up your self-confidence. Put women on the back burner. You don’t need a woman to validate you and even if you met the woman of your dreams and she liked you back, you are not going to be able to treat her properly at this point in your life.
One thing that makes me feel good about myself is going to the gym. If you exercise regularly, you will understand that people exercise more for the way they feel than the way they look and looking toned and fit is an added bonus. You will meet new male and female friends, you will increase your confidence and you will start to feel better about myself. At different branches of the gym I go to, men are always willing to offer advice to a newbie or spot them on the bench and it's a great way to build your self esteem.
Take care,
Feisty
I know I haven't posted here in a long, long time but I read your response to AntiSexy and had to absolutely agree with you, Feisty. The same thing just happend to me - was dating who I believed to be a nice guy and after 6 weeks just stopped calling and emailing me. What gets me the most is his friend, who set us up, tells me how he mopes around, throwing himself pity parties and complaining to all his friends that he can't find a good girl that will measure up to his ex-girlfriend (who cheated on him, by the way). No matter what he's feeling inside and where he is in life I didn't deserve to be hurt like that, you didn't deserve to be hurt, and AntiSexy's former flame certainly didn't deserve it. And here's the hard truth, AntiSexy, all three of us are better off without guys like that.
When men act like children they do not deserve to be in loving relationships, nor will they find a good person to be with. They will find either b--ches who will screw them over or they will find obnoxious, annoying girls with no self-respect or self-confidence and will generally be miserable. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and while these men like to play the victim, just like you AntiSexy, the truth is only you can break the cycle. I know this sounds harsh, but you need to seek professional help. If you don't, you'll never be happy and you'll come to realize that, after a while, no one will have the energy to listen to you feel sorry for yourself. Do yourself a favor and find a therapist right now - not a friend, not a co-worker, not a family member, and not a group on a message board but a true therapist who can help you work out your problems.
Dominique
Hmmm...maybe now I shouldn't feel so bad about all the guys who have rejected me in the past...LOL
SNAP OUT OF IT!!
Don't you see that you are sabotaging yourself? In the end, you are making yourself unhappy!! You had a girl who was interested in YOU. She is not with her ex for a reason. Stop letting your insecurities control your life. Can't you see that??
How do you think that girl feels now? You b*tch and complain about girls not liking you and you had one and let her go. Now she probably thinks there is something wrong with her.
This actually eerily reminds me of my recent ex boyfriend, we just had one of those connections and he certainly wasn't the best looking, richest (he didn't have much money at all) or anything else that you would deem to be intimidating to another man. Yet, I loved him, I loved him as much as I think any woman will ever be able to love him, I held his hand in the hospital when he thought he was going to die from cancer (he's only 34) and I comforted him the night before he went into a very dangerous surgery. I was there for him through thick and thin, the most emotionally wrenching times and I was by his side. When things settled down, he started to make all these comments about why was I with him because I could do so much better, how such a good looking girl must get hit on all the time when I go out and all of this nonsense. Sure I am attractive and I know some people would probably question why was I with a guy like him when you only look at the surface but it didn't matter, I wanted to be with him and I did everything in my power to convince him. Eventually he pushed me away, its been a month snice we've spoken and the last things he said were so hurtful to me. It was just easier for him to play the victim in life, always feeling sorry for himself and that's just what he did and is doing. I can honestly say he's lost the best thing that ever happened to him because of his own insecurities. He had a beautiful woman who adored him and would have done everything for him and now he doesn't.
Please do not assume all women are a certain way. Your post offended me because I've been that woman. You cannot blow a woman off and ignore her calls and then assume she is the one with the issues.
I think you need professional help to deal with your insecurities and self-esteem. You have to stop playing the victim in life. Women can sense a bitter attitude and that alone will drive them away. I've met plenty of otherwise attractive men, but when I smell a good dose of bitter and animosity I run for the hills.
The woman was interested in you and you stopped returning her calls, you blew it and that wasn't anyone else's doing but your own. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop playing the victim in life if you actually want a change.
Well I did call her. And I instantly felt bad because she sounded so happy to hear from me, made me forget why I called her lol. But we are having lunch tomorrow and I am going to explain to her my porblems and why I have been acting weird. I cant help the way I am and how weird I am or how that may affect others but I am trying to deal with the situation the best I can. I was never hurtful to her I have been nothing but nice, I keep my problems to myself because I am fully aware of how messed up I am and I dont want it to affect others that much. I never ripped into her about how hot she was and how she could do better then me, thats what these boards are for, lol. Anyway I was never mean to her and I am not going to be, I know I shouldnt be dating because of the very situation I am in right now, but she was incredible, pyhsically and personally and I couldnt resist. But I know it's better if she find someone else...I am not writing a letter or leaving a message, I am doing it in person and I am going to simply tell her I am emotionally very complicated and unstable and insecure enough to let things bother me that shouldnt and I can't handle being with her. And if she asks I will tell her exactly how I let her ex boyfriend being attractive and rich get to me and all that, I am going to be open and honest.
I have stupid feelings and emotions but I am trying to treat others as best I can.
Anti Sexy,
Thank you for your response to my post and being man enough to acknowledge that you were wrong. None of us on this board are perfect and it's not about the mistake you made but what you do to redeem yourself and what steps you take to try and correct it. I'm very pleased that you took my advice and you called her. As much as you try and put yourself down and play the victim, from this post alone, I can see that you have so many admirable qualities that a lot of so called men do not possess that you shouldn't downplay. Most men would not have the strength of character to meet someone face to face, admit they were wrong and that they are sorry.
This woman sounds like a total sweetheart and she sounds like she really likes you. Give her more credit because she sounds like she really deserves it. Incidentally, I like being around people who are different and so called weird. Who has the right to define what is considered normal anyway? I'm sure a lot of people think I'm weird because I'm very different to most people, I speak my mind and I don't care about what anyone else thinks. Unlike you however, I take that as a compliment. I don't have the desire to be average, run of the mill, a cardboard cut out or a clone of anyone else.
You need to tell her exactly what you have written down here that you think she's incredible physically and personally. She has a right to know. I have good feelings about this. Who knows where this will lead if you check your defeatist attitude with your coat at the door at lunch tomorrow? The least that you can expect from this is a good friendship. However, if you think you are going to go back to your old ways, you need to take a step away from her because you can't hurt her twice. If you leave the door open, who knows what might happened in the future. Life is full of possibilities Anti Sexy and your life can change in an instant.
Good luck and keep us posted on what happened.
Feisty
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