The girl I met at the bar

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Registered: 04-13-2006
The girl I met at the bar
26
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 2:52am

Hal asked me somewhere about the girl I met a couple months ago at bar and started to "date". To make a long story as short as it could be...I met an attractive sweet girl at bar and looked at her and she looked at me and laughed- I got offended by it b/c I thought she was laughing at how ugly I was or something and left the bar...she asked my friends about me after I left, we ended up going out to lunch and hanging out a few times and then I met her ex boyfriend(we bumped into him at a restaurant) and he was dressed in an expensive suit, drove a mercedes, was built like vin disel, and looked like a model...he was the perfect guy all women want....and that upset the hell outta me..I tried to forget it but I couldnt.

I didnt want to be a weirdo and ask odd questions like do you still love him, do you like good looking guys, do you like men with money...and on and on so I started to make myself "busy" anytime she called and wanted to do something. Then I started to feel so bad about making excuses so I stopped answering her calls a couple weeks ago. She hasnt called in 10 days so it is offically over.

It was either this or get closer to her and then annoy and torment her with my insecruities about her ex boyfriend...she belongs with him they make the perfect couple...I had no business with a girl like her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 10:59pm

I agree with Feisty's post, and I also want to add that I didn't like something that you wrote about yourself:

<< I cant help the way I am and how weird I am or how that may affect others but I am trying to deal with the situation the best I can. ... I am fully aware of how messed up I am >>

See? You keep saying that you are weird and messed up. If you believe it yourself, what are other people supposed to think of you? You can't ever think that YOU are weird or messed up, it was just your attitude or behavior that might have been weird. But now you know that, and you are going to correct that. You should not tell this woman, when you meet with her, that you are "messed up." She does not know you, and she may believe you. If you are going to say anything about yourself, you should rather say that you are a very nice guy and a sensitive person, but in this particular case you mis-judged the situation, made a wrong choice to not call her because you thought she might be interested in other people, not you. But don't dwell on that too much, don't try to focus the conversation only on you. Try to ask her questions about herself, what interests her, what she is doing, make her talk about herself. Because that's also very important in a relationship--that a person feels that you are interested in her and you like her. If you try to turn your relationships into talking about yourself only, then they will never work out. Get over yourself, don't think about yourself too much, concentrate on other people, react to situations, rather than comparing yourself to every other guy around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 11:00pm

Anti Sexy,

As sad as I think it is to hear that, it is probably the best for the time being. As I said, just keep the door open because you never know a few months or years down the track, you may want to walk through it again.

Take care,

Feisty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 12:11pm

Well, I had a long lunch yesterday, lol. I was glad to see her again I found it hard to get around to telling her what I had wanted to say. So i didnt do it over lunch and I suggested we go for a walk in a park nearby. She had wondered where I went and why she hadnt heard form me in a long time and I told I needed to talk to her about that and she seemed a little confused.

I told her I shouldnt get invovled with anyone right now b/c of my problems I have with my insecruities and low self image and all that and told her I spent the better part of last year in a place trying to get help. Well she said she thought I seemed fine and I told her I held it in and I knew over time it would come out and hurt her and makes things bad between us. She said she wished that I didnt feel like I had to hold it in form her but I said I did this to everyone and that it is just how things have to be. I reassured her a dozen times she didnt do anything but probably make me fall for her which is bad because that only makes me more worried and neurotic about losing her which would end up making both us miserable if we got invovled. I ended it as quickly as possible because she looked like she was fighting back tears and so was I so I hugged her and said goodbye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 12:23pm
Honestly, I have to say I don't understand why you did this--having such conversation with her. You said everything went fine during the lunch, that she was happy to see you. That's was what you wanted, isn't it? You should have left it at that, maybe suggested a next meeting or date with her. Instead, you launched into all this long talk about yourself, which she probably really didn't understand (as she doesn't even know you so well yet). In dating, there is no 100% guarantee that things always "work out" or continue forever. You have to accept this uncertainty. You have to take risks if you ever want to be successful in dating and relationships. And every dating experience is not wasted anyway--you get skills how to talk to people in such situations, you get to know what women like when dating and what they don't like. You will get better as you practice. You also learn about yourself--what kind of people you want and need around you. Don't be too serious and expect too much immediately from people whom you don't even know. Have some fun and nice conversations, go with the flow.


Edited 7/2/2006 12:32 pm ET by pimbiroo
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 1:15pm
Well, I have now finished reading through all the dialogue. And, I have to say that YOU have to work through your insecurities!!!!!!!! However, you choose to do it, you MUST do it. And, your statement, "I know I shouldnt be dating because of the very situation I am in right now, but she was incredible, pyhsically and personally and I couldnt resist. But I know it's better if she find someone else..." makes presumptions on her part. No man can decide if he is or is not good enough for a woman. It's her decision. I loved a guy once who had so many insecurities, that eventually things deteriorated to the point of the relationship ending. He kept saying that he wasn't good enough for me, while I thought he was perfect. I have spent lots of time trying to come up with lists of why he isn't good for me (as part of my therapy in getting over him), and let me tell you, since I thought he was perfect....it was not easy to do. Anyhow, that's my problem. Your's are your insecurities that you have to work through. Just remember that you cannot impose them on someone else. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 3:58pm

>I have to say I don't understand why you did this

You DON'T understand why? Wasn't it you that said "And I still believe that if one doesn't know how to be happy when single, he will also not be happy when in relationship" And "developing a sense of oneself as an individual. Being able to be alone with oneself and not constantly demand somebody's attention to feel complete" Will you say I have misinterpreted you again?

Antisexy, you aren't ready for a relationship and you need to fix yourself first. You have done more than what was necessary, now leave this poor woman alone or you are really going mess her up! More than you have already done so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 4:58pm

<< Antisexy, you aren't ready for a relationship and you need to fix yourself first.>>

I think the OP wrote in some other thread that he has been in therapy for some time already (if I am not mistaken). I think some dating and social interaction experience would be good. I was just warning him to not assume that it is very serious every time he goes out with a girl. I was telling him to look at it more as a learning experience at this point, and to not assume that he would immediately find the one right for him.




Edited 7/2/2006 4:59 pm ET by pimbiroo
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 5:28pm

Actually, the OP has said he's been in therapy but it "didn't do any good" or something like that. I think most posters are urging him to find another counselor and go back.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 11:24pm

Hi Anti Sexy,

Thank you for the update. A part of me like Pimbiroo wishes that you had continued to date her but then another part of me which has been on the receiving end of this behaviour says that it was the right thing to do. As I said, she sounds like a sweetie and that she really likes you and who knows what may happen in the future? I think it's nice to always end things (for now) on a good note and although she may have cried a few tears last night, I'm sure she feels better knowing the real reason behind your behaviour and that you did respect and like her as a person.

Feisty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 2:51am

It was hard to do what I did. Some have implied that this is my 2nd or 3rd date with this girl. It is not, I have known her for a few months and have gotten reasonably close with her. It is just things like her perfect ex boyfriend that bugged me. I know she is not a shallow superfical stuck up girl who wants the guy with the best looking muscles, or most money or hottest car but it still bugged me. Obviously I have issues and I am going to sort them out myself, not with therapy which hasnt worked in almost 10 years of trying. I am going to do it myself, the way I do everything else. She may have liked me alot who knows but we never really said if we were friends or more anyway so who knows.

I like to think I did the right thing and helped her out in the long run. Hopefully she meets a great guy who makes her happy or she finds something in her life that makes her happy for a long time even if its not a spouse/boyfriend. I have sort my life out first before I drag anyone else into it.

I would also like to say my worries and insecruities are not completely crazy and I am not overreacting. There are plenty of shallow selfish stuck up people out there who only want the best looking, richest, sexiest partner they can find and these people are not a minority, there are a lot of them around and the fact that there are so many of them out there bugs me, it makes me insecure but it also bugs me that a perfectly nice person can meet someone shallow and get their heart broken. It sucks and it bugs me that life is like that not just for me but some nice people who I may not even know, but I know this happens to my friends, myself and other people in other places that I dont know.