Giving up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Giving up!
6
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 10:07am
Can it happen like it does in the movies? Where the guy realizes that he’s letting a good woman get away, and he goes after her?
I just ended things with this guy who I still like very much. I thought he was a good guy. I let him go willingly, because I didn’t feel like I was getting anything out of him. It felt like he liked me, even cared for me, but he wasn’t showing me anything. We never spent time together and he'd call but only have a few minutes to talk to me. How can this be, someone who seems like they care for you, but can’t show you anything. The reason he says? He’s incredibly busy. I know that Greg Berendt would say that “he’s just not that into me…” and I know that if I don’t see this then I’m one of the millions of women out there who are in denial and without a clue into the obvious behavior of a man who just isn’t as into us as we are them.
I just wonder if it could be different with me. Probably not…this is why I really feel like giving up on dating. I’ve been disappointed so many times and I’m sick of it. I really am. I’m intelligent (currently in Grad school), employed, independent, attractive…I just don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to find a good man. Maybe I should just give up and get used to being alone, since it seems to be my fate.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 12:27pm

Well, if that's what you want, then yes, sure, do that. But if not, then you need to pick yourself up by the bootstraps like the rest of us who have disappointment after disappointment in the dating dept, and keep going.

And if it helps, I think of it in terms of "just not RIGHT for me" as opposed to "just not that into me". A guy who's that busy isn't right for you. It's not personal, that's just how he IS. And if you want someone who's going to pay more attention to you, then you did the right thing in moving on.

This summer marks 10 years since my last LDR ended. I have some short relationships during that time but nothing over 18 months (and most just 2-4 months or so). But I know I don't want to be alone so I keep going, even though it's hard. It's up to you of course, but you shouldn't feel you're the only one going through hard times.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2007
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 3:32pm
Do you mind if I ask your age? Just very curious.
Are going to law school? I'm trying to.


Edited 8/7/2007 3:38 pm ET by jackmoin
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 7:42pm
Hi.
I'm 28...I'm pursuing a Masters degree in clinical social work. I don't think I could get through law school, though I considered a joint MSW/JD....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 9:49pm

i agree with sheri. i always think i need to give up when i get to the end of my rope with dating, but the truth is, if you want it, you can't give up. you can take a break when you feel burnt out or not ready for something new, but eventually you'll feel ready to get back out there.

don't forget that it's a numbers game, and the right guy will make time for you and not keep you guessing, even if you have to meet 9 guys before him who aren't right. a few times in my life, i've found that "right guy," at least in the sense that we liked each other, and he wanted to spend time with me/wasn't blowing me off, etc. hang in there -- it sucks when a relationship ends, but just consider it a bullet you dodged earlier rather than later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 10:33pm

I've been single for over a year now, and honestly, it took me that bad relationship of two years to realize what I really want. I know now that if I were to date someone and they just didn't have what it took, I'd end things. I used to be the exact opposite - where I'd make excuses for his behaviour, even though I didn't feel right about it, but I won't anymore.

Don't settle for anything other than what you want! Even if it's something as simple as not talking to him for long enough because he's busy. This is so hard for me to say, because sometimes I don't believe it myself, but surely you will find someone who makes you happy!

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mali2579
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 12:57am

I don’t watch romantic movies much anymore since it's not ideal to compare a fictional, dreamy movie to my own reality nor Gray's Anatomy or any other sitcoms.

I've learned to trust my gut feeling. If you were finding that you were disappointed now then it sounds like there was more to come. Why settle? Listen to that inner voice.

I read a great book...Are you the one for me: http://www.amazon.com/Are-You-One-Me-Avoiding/dp/0440215757

I am 41, never been married & at times I have gotten very hopeless. I can offer you this. Don't get disillusioned by the media & don't compare yourself to others. I sometimes say: hey I don't want to add to the divorce rate". Also try & wait at least 2-3 months before getting intimate with a man. It is easy to fall in lust than love. Someone said to me today that people assume when you don't get married by a certain age than you won't change too much & you are probably really picky. That kinda stung.

Seriously it bums me out that I haven't found a partner. I don't want to be alone & at times well, yeh I have contemplated death. I have my own home & everything but not a close family. I have been to therapy to try & figure out "what's wrong with me".

Some days are easier than others. Don't give up. You are still young enough.