Going back...the ex question

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Going back...the ex question
6
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 1:22pm

Are you the kind of person who breaks up, no contact and NEVER (*no matter what) gets back together with someone? Or open to it down the road given different circumstances? Ever had an ex show up on your doorstep and say everything you always wished (s)he'd say? What did/would you do?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 2:11pm

I'm not good at cold turkey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 3:01pm
I did it 4 times with my ex. We were together for 4 years and for the first 2 it was a roller coaster. I love(d) him very much and the first 3 times he broke up with me and came crawling back saying everything I wanted to hear. Everyone told me that I would just get hurt again. We went 2 years strong when I needed to experience life a little more (I was taking the relationship for granted) So I ended it and I have missed him ever since. I would love to stay friends with him but it hurts me too much. I asked for him back and he said that I hurt him too bad and now he has to heal before he can forgive me {double standard} We talked for 6 months after the break up and now we have no contact. It's easier that way.

Other than that I usually initiated the break up and stuck with the decision. If I feel its over than I truly think that's its over. I won't rush into a decision like that either though.

~Chloekins
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 3:20pm
i like clean breaks. they tend to do the least amount of emotional harm to both people.

i've never had an ex show up at my doorstep. this is strange since i've never had a bad breakup. damn, now you've got me feelin' like i'm not stalk-worthy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 2:09am
I think it is all about personal boundary-setting...

To answer your question, it depends on the situation and the specific person with whom I had (and sometimes need) to sever contact from -- romantic or non-romantic alike.

I say "need" to sever from because I really nurture my close relationships, UNTIL I feel that my association with them reaches a point where it is affecting *my* own emotional health and my life in general, in a consistently negative, unproductive, and exhausting manner. So any decision of no contact is something that I don't flippantly do, and only when I feel that I have exhausted any options to make a connection of any type, shape, or form...workable and positively reinforcing, for *both* of us. Sometimes, it is not even a decision because the relationship/person just fades away for whatever reason, and at that point, I need to re-think if I *ever* want to renew the relationship again.

Sometimes, maybe what I need from the person or relationship is just a bit of time and space to get perspective and "breathing room." I do it primarily for my own sense of balance and grounding. If the person is important enough in my life and the time apart has made both of us "grow up" towards a deeper and more mature interaction, in which we actually respect and appreciate each other more in a *mutual* way, then I look forward to a re-connection. I say *mutual* because a one-sided effort or interest is NOT stable or sustainable in the long run. In my opinion, unrequited affection, especially in a romantic sense, is one of the most painful things anyone could endure.

To summarize....no contact at all in order to avoid (and save myself from) painful triggers and/or negative self-perception, especially when I feel vulnerable. Going back after a break-up will only work for me if I am 100% sure that I have resolved any emotional baggage or issues that made the break-up to occur in the first place. Otherwise, no matter how painful, I like a "clean break" and sticking to it, backing it up with behavior to keep the integrity of my decision by not leaving any open doors. I may "slip" occasionally but will not make those moments as justification to renege on my original decision. The "what-if's" have a lot of uncertainties built into it, so I prefer to focus my energies to reality instead of wishful thinking.

So, there are situations when I can be "all-or-nothing" in my approach (after a long thought-out process of the pros and cons to my emotional/psychological well-being) or a more moderate approach of perhaps just limiting contact at a superficial level.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 8:18am

I completely agree w/ this statement:


I say "need" to sever from because I really nurture my close relationships, UNTIL I feel that my association with them reaches a point where it is affecting *my* own emotional health and my life in general, in a consistently negative, unproductive, and exhausting manner. So any decision of no contact is something that I don't flippantly do, and only when I feel that I have exhausted any options to make a connection of any type, shape, or form...workable and positively reinforcing, for *both* of us. Sometimes, it is not even a decision because the relationship/person just fades away for whatever reason, and at that point, I need to re-think if I *ever* want to renew the relationship again.


I am the same way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:08pm
Hi

Don't worry about it, it's better that you never faced an ex crawling back. I did and it was a huge mistake, he ended up dumping me once again and I have to go through the pain all over again, so no, and they usually only come back because they are alone or between relationships. My ex is with another girl, once again after he broke it off with me, so no, I've had enough. I hope I will never take an ex back again, no matter who left who.

There is no going back,once one of you decide that it's over.