Going slow vs going nowhere

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Going slow vs going nowhere
10
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 10:50am
I am starting to think I should start dating others again.

IT guy is going slow and I thought that was good. I asked him questions about dating and he said he's a "one woman" guy. So I ASSumed that meant he wasn't dating others. He always throws out things like "anytime you want to do X, call me". Yet we NEVER make plans for specific days. In fact, when I say "how about Fri?". He's busy. Vague answers about what he's actually busy doing...but Any OTHER time you want to do X call me. Now the guy emails me everyday. Tells me he's thinking of me. Etc. But he never calls me.

I have been thinking Hey, he obviously likes me and wants to go slow. So I'll be patient.

BUT! I just realized (or became insecure?) there is another possibility. He wants to keep it casual. He wants to (or is) dating other ppl. Why else wouldn't he want to kiss me after 6 weeks? Because he's a "one woman" guy and he doesn't want to be MY guy yet? Call me when you want to do some activity sounds like a friendship, not a romantic potential. Which leads back to: I have waited this long to sleep with someone - but he doesn't even touch my hand, hug me or make ANY contact at all! In fact, when I tried to cuddle him on Fri, he moved away saying "are you comfortable?" and I said "uhm, yeah. just a little figety I guess"...?



So maybe I'm just being insecure b/c I am used to guys being all over me? I don't know...but something doesn't feel right to me...

Go.

I don't know.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:12am
Nooooooooooo!!!!! You can't call it quits yet!!! Okay, how long has it been exactly? How many dates have you been on? You've only told us about three or four, so I'm not quite sure.

I think you need to talk to him about it. Don't assume anything. Maybe his idea of taking things slow is different from yours, but how can you know what he's thinking if you don't ask? Say to him "IT guy, I really like you, and I really want this to go somewhere, but I'm not sure if we're on the same page." Tell him that you need him to make plans and to call you. If you've discussed these things, and it still isn't going anywhere, then I'll let you call it off. ;-)

Another thought. Have you talked about sex? Do you know what his beliefs about sex are? I've dated some guys who were unwilling to do it for a long time. Maybe he feels the same?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:16am
6 weeks and no kissing? Are you SERIOUS?!?!

I don't get it. If he just wanted casual sex, he woulda made a move by now...

You know... maybe he thinks you're out of his league, and is simply happy dating you...

Does he show signs that he lacks confidense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 12:02pm
My preference is that a man who is interested calls me and wants to see me at least once a week - not every day or even close to every day - but once a week is perfect, in the beginning. I personally would not go out with a man more than 4 times who shows no physical affection towards me - at least hand holding, a hug, some cuddling, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 1:14pm
Back away from the flake...no...RUN. I've been there and done it. It's hard at first but you surprise yourself just how much better you feel very quickly. No more of that wishy-washiness to deal with. Instead of waiting for HIM to do anything, and I mean ANY-THING, I decided to just walk away and I don't miss it crapola at all. I still see him and say hi and am friendly but if he really wanted me he'd have come after me for real. Remove the drama from your life and it'll free you up to hang out with new fellas!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 1:36pm
Sounds more like friendship without more than platonic attraction on his part. "I'm a one woman guy" doesn't mean you're the "one woman" he's referring to. Everything you're posting would indicate otherwise.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 10:48am
Sorry I was in a conference yesterday...

Yes we have talked about sex - that it means exclusivity to me. He claims to be as "passionate" but actions are speaking louder than words here. He also said that he is looking for a friend AND someone he is very physically attracted to b/c he always ends up in r/ships with a friend and no fire. So I asked him "so do I set you on fire?" and he said, "can't you tell? I can barely concentrate when we are in the same room" - could have fooled me! Well, he does blush and stuff like a kid...

Anyway, I am not giving up entirely. I am just backing off and thinking of it more as a friendship. (No wonder he always ends up in r/ships with friends, he lets the passion get cold instead of building!) Its kind of hurting my feelings b/c I feel like I'm putting more out there than he is - so I won't anymore :)

Thanks for your response, Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 10:51am
Thim, thim, thim.

Mind in the gutter, eh? LOL. I wrote - I think he is only interested in casual DATING, not sex! Since we've talked about sex meaning exclusivity, I think he won't move forward with me b/c he doesn't want exclusivity with me...that he still wants to date others and stuff.

Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 10:51am
Otherwise what is the point? Friends I already got!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 12:12pm
just gonna go on record to say that i think you're dead wrong about him...

he wants you, but is afraid to get hurt.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 5:45pm
I still think you need to tell him! I'm starting to think that the relationshps I've had that have failed have mostly been due to lack of communication (ie not expressing what I need/want from him). Isn't that what you just told me I need to do more of Miss Go? Hmmmmmmmm????

Tell him you're not seeing the fire. Be blunt if you have to. I hate to see this turn into another friendship for both of you when a simple conversation might set things straight again.