Got a man's point of view

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Got a man's point of view
17
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 11:01am
In regards to the much debate about whom should ask who out, I spoke with a friend of mine and he said that he'd rather do the asking out. He said in this way, he can take his time and see if he really likes her enough to ask out. He said if she asked him out,that he'd be flattered and probably would go out as a matter of politeness and not to hurt her feelings, however, he said even if it took him a whole year to ask her out, he'd rather it take a whole year because he'd know he was interested.

Interesting enough, I also spoke with another male friend who considered himself terrified of women yet he remembered one woman in particular whom struck his attention and he said even thoughhe was scared to death of her and her rejecting him, he still thought he didn't care, he had to take a chance and he mustered enough courage to ask her on a date.

It is a new generation and I, too, have asked a man out whom I had a huge crush on a lunch date. Even though he accepted, I did no more than flatter him. In otherwords, nothing that I had hoped had come of it.

So, in my opinion, I still say it's best to be patient and let him ask you. If he's truly interested, he'll ask you, no matter how long it takes him, he'll ask.

Just my 2 cents.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 11:11am
When you "reverse roles" in terms of actions...it's imperative to reverse perceptions and expectations as well.

Whoever does the asking is saying 'I find you appealing and attractive and want to know you better." There is no requirement or guarantee that the person saying "yes" to your offer is wanting what you want...you have no way to know that without dating and getting to know them - without thoughts of the future in mind.

What women often do when asking men out is "do the asking" and think it is an empowering action...only to find that men are "just like women" in some ways and not in others.

Most people being asked out are flattered to be found attractive and desirable and worth getting to know - no matter on what level. And so "yes" is quite often the answer even if "you" do not particularly appeal to them - at least not yet.

Where women often don't follow thru with the 'male line of thought" - that should be parallel to the "perceived male role of asking for dates" is that he might easily be flattered that you find him appealing, and want to revel in the ego boost but really not want what you want, or find YOU that appealing.

My personal opinion is - if a woman has never ended a dating situation, or refused a date - simply because she did not find a man attractive in some way (not because he cheated or something character-flawed such as that)...she really shouldn't ask men out. She's not logically thinking all the "male patterns" enough to realize that "asking him out" is the beginning of her 'being the man' at least in a great portion of the beginning of the relationship.

She can't just revert to being the woman when he says yes and think "Oh, he finds me delicious and attractive and he's so desirable as a result of that."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 11:40am
So OK...after this hotly debated topic...WOW! I asked my Dad (stepdad actually, but better than my real dad) and my Dad said that he would be totally flattered if when he was single a woman asked him out! And he wouldn't feel de-masculated, but instead would enjoy the change of pace. Infact when he was single 2 women did ask him out...unfortuneately he worked with both (and one was a pretty scary German lady who barely spoke english) and he didn't feel comefortable going out with anyone he worked with. But he was more then open to the option of women asking men out and actually welcomed it...and this comeing fomr a 65 year old.

Just thought your like maybe someone older's perspective!

HEather

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 11:58am
That's my point...most men would be flattered by being asked out and found attractive and say yes...which wouldn't mean they wanted to do more than date, or that they found you particularly attractive and desirable. Basically, you're saying by asking "I want ____ with you possibly". It's up to you by asking to know what you're pursuing so it's up to you to fill in the blank. By doing the asking - you can't assume they share your needs, or pursuits, or desired results. You'd be doing what most men are doing for quite some time during dating..."Is he going out with me because I asked, because it is easy, convenient,a dn because he's got nothing better to do at this time...or is it because he's interested in me as a person." If you're astute, just like if men are astute, they know pretty quickly whether this is just a time filler, a way to meet people or do something interesting that they can't do on their own or to get whatver it is you're offer, that meets their needs that they can't/won't meet on their own...or whether there is developing a mutual admiration and respect based on shared values, interests, goals, and standards.

If you're going to step into their "actions' - use their thinking patterns so that you don't wind up "confused" or disillusioned or 'terrified of yourself".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 12:26pm
Yes, that's also my point. I think when we as women ask men out and they accept, it's because they are flattered and it does not mean they are interested.

I also have come to the realization that if we have to ask if this guy is interested, then we must assume he's not.

The male friend I was speaking about suggested that he'd rather do the asking because he likes to scope out who and what he likes. This brings back the old cliche that men are hunters. They really are. Even the shyest of the shy are hunters.

I think now as I've experienced more in life, that if I have to ask a man out for coffee or lunch or even a date, then he's just not interested in me enough to take that chance of rejection.

We can do enough to encourage the guy. Smile, flirt and be friendly. However, if he doesn't act, then it's just not there on his part.

I tell you this much, I've been pursued before and I knew that this man wanted me and to tell you the truth, I like to be pursued. It's exciting. I didn't play hard to get because I liked him just the same. It's the best feeling and I'd hold out and be pursued all over again just because I know that this man is interested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 12:33pm
Personally, I think a woman should step into the male role....once....if once is enough to experience the gamut of the entirety of the spectrum.

Ask someone out, get taken up on the offer, find out what it means to plan, prepare, pay, and still wonder at the end of the night "is he interested in me or just having something to do that flatters him based on my desire for him?" Should I kiss him, or should I not?

Run around those bases once if you're self-aware, quite a few times if you're not....you'll never again "lead a man on" that you find unattractive or lacking shared intersts and goals just to get chateau briande' at a fancy French restaurant that all your friends have been to.

And if you've done it and reviewed it objectively -you'll find out if "being hte pursuer" works for you. It might. It might not. If it doesn't - you won't do it again, you'll find it unsatisfying and unsettling and won't want more of it. If it suits - you'll repeat it, it won't scare or terrify you, you won't view it as a risk, or as a gauge of your worth to hear no, or find a man that has you paying for things, priarily pursuing the contact and initiating most of the sexual advances..only to be told in a couple of months, "I want to be friends" and find out one week later he's "pursuing relentlessly" another woman that he obviously finds attractive and desirable and is taking the time,effort, energy, and sacrifice to 'get to know her better."


Objectivity makes you an excellent partner...you can't be objective if you're not willing to step into the other person's shoes in full once in awhile and determine if it's for you - and why or why not. And what it involves for them, as well.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 12:42pm
No doubt it's flattering - ask him if he knows anyone in a happy healthy long term relationship or marriage where the woman did the majority of the pursuing in the beginning.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 12:51pm
"Personally, I think a woman should step into the male role....once....if once is enough to experience the gamut of the entirety of the spectrum. Ask someone out, get taken up on the offer, find out what it means to plan, prepare, pay, and still wonder at the end of the night "is he interested in me or just having something to do that flatters him based on my desire for him?" Should I kiss him, or should I not?"

*thumbs up!*

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 1:30pm
Yes, I have stepped into the male role. I had a huge crush on this guy and was not sure how he felt other than his relentless flirting and coming by to see me constantly. Months and months went by and I wondered why he didn't ask me out. So I took the initiative and asked this man out for lunch. A harmless lunch date and he gladly accepted and I was so happy. I suggested for him to choose the place and the time which he did. I even took the liberty of paying for his lunch as well as mine. We talked and had a really great time. I didn't hear from him the next day and so forth and I went to see him to see how he was doing. After endless small talk, he never mentioned about seeing me again and I never asked. I chalked it up right there to him not being interested. Some will say I gave up to easy but I think I did more than enough.

I experienced it and NEVER will do it again. So, this is why I enjoy being the one pursued rather than the pursuer.

However, to those gals who who want to ask a man out, big up to you and good luck. I for one still believe that if he really likes you, he will ask you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 1:33pm
It's interesting - you saw your decision to pay as something you went out of your way to do - I would think that if a woman takes the man's role, she of course treats.

I think your experience is typical - been there, done that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 2:00pm
Actually he does...HIS!!!! My Mom did the persuing!!! They had know eachother for years...since childhood and nothing had ever happened between them and my Mom just went for it!!! She asked him out, kissed him, the sparks flew, ahe asked him to move down from Oregon...a month and 1/2 later he moved with her and 4 months later they were married. It will be 3 years this Feb and I have never need a happier couple! They are like teenagers...I am so happy for them and so happy for me I have a great Dad now!

HEather

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