Guys my age dating younger women

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Guys my age dating younger women
78
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:17am

I was talking to a friend of mine who is 24. I am 32, but she just started dating a guy who is 31. She went out, her and her friend (25) and meet up with this guy's other friend (32). Now her friend has a date with the friend. This all happened after a weekend that we hung out and I told her how hard it was to go out and meet decent guys my age and how I was wondering where they were hiding. I was a bit shocked (and yes, maybe a bit angry) becuase I felt this was just the type of situation I am running into constantly. I am starting to feel like I am over the hill at 32. My younger friends seem to have no trouble and I look just as young as they do. My problem is a) being at the right place at the right time, b) maybe I need to lie about my age??

It's just frustrating how these guys in my age group are so hard to find, but for some of my (younger) friends they are falling out of the sky. I hate feeling this way because I know showing any kind of negativity is picked up by others, but it just seems so unfair. The worst part is I don't remember ever having an easy time meeting men (any age). My last relationships have been with younger men and it would be nice to date some guys closer to my age, but they seem to be dating 20-somethings. Is this a phase? It's just hard for me. Advice? Anyone has a similar situation? How do you handle being happy for others when things don't seem to be working out for you?

At 32 I am looking for guys who are the same age or older, but there is ussually a lot of baggage. Divorce, kids, commitment issues, mid-life crisis, etc. I just want to find a guy who is in the same place in life I am. Not still in college, not embroiled in child custody disputes, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:25pm
33.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:02pm


Ha! Youngster, and a jaded one at that.

(36)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 3:14pm

I definitely noticed this trend. I live in a college town where there is an abundance of 20 something college hottie girls who are mostly looking for 30 something men. A friend and I actually asked a couple of 20 something girls that we know why they are looking for older men and the answer was pretty simple. 30 something year old men can take them to nicer restaurants, drive nicer cars, etc. The 30 something year old men were more likely to date younger women because they could keep the relationships more casual and not be worried about ticking biological clocks and marriage mindedness. It seems like many of these younger girls and the older men are at similar stages in life and they tend to gravitate to one another. However, it make it very difficult for women in their 30's to date sometimes.

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 4:29pm
Wow I didn't mean to imply that life is over or that 30 is old. But just stating a simple fact based on what everyone on this board is saying: dating over 30 is harder. Its mostly because by 30 most single people have had at least one failed long term relationship. And are either not looking to get serious because they don't want to go through the pain again or because they just want to have a bit of fun again. Which seems to be in compliance with what people are saying in this thread about why 30 something men are flocking to 20 something girls.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:36am

I think one key point touched on often in this string is the "stage of maturity". We look for "like minded" people. At 24 I dated girls in there 30's and 40's often. . .could not tell you exactly why other than a comfort level. In a broad stroke women mature faster than men in most areas of life. To "some" degree the distant age attractions are natural.

I also agree with Mark. So far since my devoice I have dated within 2 or 3 years of my own age. Not so much as a result of effort as much as just happing that way. I don't however look much at age in general. I would date older or younger if I felt comfortable with her. I don't like shutting doors and limiting possibilities in my own mind.

And as to the baggage thing . . . be careful . . . smart observation from another string, if ALL his ex's are crazy, it means HE has the issues. Unlike Mark, my kids were pretty well grown by the time I divorced in 04, so I suffered little on that, however the last huge "bags" are hitting the ground as we speak. If I were to meet someone today that was understanding and worked through this time . . unlikely and the reason I am cooling my heals some . . . but if it did happen, I think it is something I would remember forever. It would add a lot to how I felt about her in the long haul, remembering how strong and understanding she is, and knowing she could withstand the hard times that inevitable come along in life. It would add a great deal of respect and value on my part in looking at the depth of who she is. In simple terms, it would mean she saw "me", loved exactly what she saw, and was willing to hang out for a year or two while the pieces come back together. Seems to describe a special kind of girl.

That being said, getting all the way in with a woman who had young children . . big, big, big decision for me. Having more kids with her, well not a "reversible" choice. (-: Her kids however would not be an automatic dismissal. If she is the one who makes me happy, I can assume the kids will be good kids . . .and I might just have to bite the bullet. After all, I would sure like her to overlook the fact I "lived" a life and had a history, and just see "us" in our own merit. I have to offer the same consideration or call myself a hypocrite.

Last . . .someday . .. many of you will wear those shoes . .. having a history and baggage . . . just something to consider. A lot of 25 year olds fit the baggage statement, not just old farts like Mark and I. (-: Age is one discussion, baggage another entirely. In many cases the ownership of baggage says he at least has the desire to settle down, and just made a poor choice of with who.

I am not saying you should try to date older, or "settle" for a cumbersome relationship. But baggage and "history" can translate into very different things. And it is just possible that the preconceived notion that baggage is automatically a bad thing is preventing you from taking a second look at some real quality possibilities. Sometimes a careful second look might be warranted. (-: Just a thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:44am

>>A lot of 25 year olds fit the baggage statement, not just old farts like Mark and I. (-: Age is one discussion, baggage another entirely.

A very good point. Some of my friends, in their early 20's, have more emotional baggage than you'd think they would...mostly the ones that tend to jump from relationship to relationship and thus don't give themselves time to fully get over the previous people and/or issues and work things out by themselves. I had a pretty miserable LTR almost four years ago now, and I was significantly messed up for quite some time, but it's been so long now that I've come to terms with it and the baggage from it is almost nonexistent.

Now physical baggage so to speak...that, I suppose, it statistically more prevalent as the ages creep up...old marriages, children....at my age, I would NOT date a man with kids (partially because of the baggage and issues and "baby mama drama," as someone else put it and partially because I'm just not sure if I even want to have my OWN kids). Again, I'm pretty young, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:22am

No question, hard to reach the age of 40 and not have kids, ex wife or SO that life got intertwined with. I have however known a lot of 20 something girls that are single mothers. And like you, most guys there age will "use" them for fun, but would never think of getting serious. (Not saying you take a romp with a single dad, guys are guys sometimes. I think you see the truth in my point. (-: ) In a way it is a bit sad. You are not a "person", you are a "person with kids" . . . I know even now, my kids are pretty well grown, but my Daughter at 21 is moving back in with me this Sunday. Any woman that had an issue with it is history. It is a very real and difficult issue that can never be approached lightly. And it is a place where you are dismissed out of hand. The way I look at it, they did me a favor. (-: Neither bad nor good, just not the right person for me.

As for you, at 22/23? . . .well I always say marriage is not the ball and chain, kids are. The commitment is HUGE. I am not sure I blame you. You have done everyone involved a disservice if you jump in before you are ready. (-: At least you are honest with yourself and have your eyes open. A lot of kids suffer because the choice is not given proper consideration.

On the other hand at 35, having a desire to have kids of your own . . .and dismissing "his" kids out of hand . . . I might start to consider that short sighted and a bit shallow. "Mine" are ok, "yours" are just baggage and totally "undesirable. An unavoidable view point you develop when you love your kids. (-; Sometimes that "second message" under the surface speaks the loudest. (-:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:42am
Well, right, but I think if I were dating in my 30's or 40's, kids from a prior relationship wouldn't bother me AS much unless I truly did decide that I don't want to have kids (I'm content with being undecided right now), partially because it'd be almost inevitable and partially because I'd be more ready for the responsibility that could potentially come with it. The thought of even settling into a relationship scares me silly right now (of course there's no one in my life I'd want to be with, which I think also carries over to the kids issue...there's no one in my life I would ever consider having children with either, obviously), so forget committing to having children. I can't imagine having children right now and I flat-out don't want to, so besides the potential responsibility that could come with someone else's kids, I just don't think I would be in the same place as a man with children right now; I just couldn't relate. I want to be young, date around, meet new people, have fun...it's just the stage of life that I'm in now, the mentality that theoretically I have plenty of time to settle down and have stability, but there isn't as much time to be young and carefree (well, ok, relatively...the days completely lacking of worry are behind me now :) ).
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:59am
Great post elwood. I've gotta say, I totally agree.
Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 12:54pm

You have heard me speak of my daughter often. She is the light of my life, truly the sunshine . . . would it surprise you to know I adopted her?
Of my 3, only my son is truly "mine" . . .kids are just kids, sperm donors are not relevant. (-:

I always advise younger folks to live life. You kind of said it, your "youth" is in fact the shortest period in your life, grab it and experience all you can. One of the reasons I so often refer back to my time in the Marines is the fact it gave me a life time worth of experience, exposure and travel in four short very full years. It was a defining time in my life. It in the end was what set the stage for who I "became". The second was my kids. If I had to "label" myself today, what am I . .. I am a father. I could not take more pride in it. (-: Not everyone can or will find the joy in the experience I did. So I am not encouraging anyone to look in the direction of a single with kids . . . but for those who do love kids and desire a life with them . . .don't underestimate the joy your partners kids can bring to your life. (-:

Like I say, baggage is a dangerous word to me, it to me means closed eyes. A good friend of mine said something simple to me not very long ago. Never say never. (-: Keeps the world of possibilities open. Smart girl. (-:

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