Guys my age dating younger women

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Guys my age dating younger women
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Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:17am

I was talking to a friend of mine who is 24. I am 32, but she just started dating a guy who is 31. She went out, her and her friend (25) and meet up with this guy's other friend (32). Now her friend has a date with the friend. This all happened after a weekend that we hung out and I told her how hard it was to go out and meet decent guys my age and how I was wondering where they were hiding. I was a bit shocked (and yes, maybe a bit angry) becuase I felt this was just the type of situation I am running into constantly. I am starting to feel like I am over the hill at 32. My younger friends seem to have no trouble and I look just as young as they do. My problem is a) being at the right place at the right time, b) maybe I need to lie about my age??

It's just frustrating how these guys in my age group are so hard to find, but for some of my (younger) friends they are falling out of the sky. I hate feeling this way because I know showing any kind of negativity is picked up by others, but it just seems so unfair. The worst part is I don't remember ever having an easy time meeting men (any age). My last relationships have been with younger men and it would be nice to date some guys closer to my age, but they seem to be dating 20-somethings. Is this a phase? It's just hard for me. Advice? Anyone has a similar situation? How do you handle being happy for others when things don't seem to be working out for you?

At 32 I am looking for guys who are the same age or older, but there is ussually a lot of baggage. Divorce, kids, commitment issues, mid-life crisis, etc. I just want to find a guy who is in the same place in life I am. Not still in college, not embroiled in child custody disputes, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 2:38pm

I am not sure what you mean by “if I were one of them”. I am almost 29, so I am not that far from turning 30. Most of my guy friends are in their early 30’s, between 30-33. I don’t know if I agree that they are looking for perfection, but I will concede that they have quite a few criteria’s. In addition to someone with no baggage, they are also looking for someone who is intelligent, successful, who can hold her own in life and career, who is not just looking to be a wife and raise babies at home. They want someone who can hold their interest and challenge them in the years to come. (I know all this because I have had lots of long and heart to heart conversations with them. It’s interesting how much these guys will open up to someone who they are not trying to impress.)

I personally don't think that's looking for perfection. Almost all of my girlfriends and myself meet those criteria's, and I would hardly consider any of us perfect. We are pretty ordinary in fact, but we definitely have our own interest, goals and dreams, and we are not afraid of going after them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 2:57pm

But I know what I do and don't want, and although having possibilities in dating is good, it's when we compromise on what we know we need from a man that we get into unhappy relationships and trapped by the "I love him but.." tornado

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Just as I would never date a woman who had an issue with my kids. Deal breaker for sure. I agree, we have to stay true to our commitments. We have to know ourselves. I would never date a woman that had kids "because I needed to settle" for what was available, or to "expand" the old dating pool ether. I would date her because I liked her, and the kids would not be an adequate reason to stop "me". I would however give the fact the full weight and consideration it rightfully deserves. Kids are not a place you get to reconsider later. In for a penny, in for a pound. Even in the event of a break up, you may retain a relationship with a child for life. I would encourage you to stick to those principles as they would show in your relationship with the kids involved in resentment . . etc if you were to compromise even an inch. You are right to know and understand yourself. That is far away from what I am saying.

On this subject you see "compromise", and depending on your core values and needs, that very well my be as true as true gets for many, many people. I really am not saying that is wrong. I don't see compromise, but then I never did shut many doors to begin with. I am an imperfect person in an imperfect world. It has never crossed my mind to do so. As stubborn and hard headed as I can be . . .I just have to offer almost everyone this fair chance. (-: It is in my blood. Neither of us is wrong, we just have our own needs and experiences in this world is all. (-:
Age, well that is less complicated. Age can get as simple as basic chemistry. It is just hard for me to understand the insistence that a person not have a "history" to be worthy. (-: At 30 not so much to ask, a clean start with you own family, I get that . . .but it gets bigger and more difficult every year. And it will happen quickly, by 35 . . .I think it has just plain gotten difficult. At 40 . . .that "lack of baggage" is more of a flag than a plus. Bad luck, or bad attitude? I am paying attention at that point. That GF I keep talking about was 46, one kid, never married, and only one real LTR of 4 years.

Anyway . . .I have already over talked the subject . .. it is just one I find interesting and less than simple. You are exactly right in your beliefs for a simple reason, compromise will leave you and the person that became the "compromise" each very unhappy in time. I so agree with you, never "compromise" in your relationship. I would never want to "be a compromise" . . lol . . .who would.
I am also right, for those who think as I do . . but a lot of careful thought and responsibility is attached to the effort. Never say never is a road filled with caution and danger as well, you cant just say, ok I can "deal with" kids . . .you have to invest time in the dating process to look very hard at the woman / man, and the kids involved and determine if a genuine relationship with all involved is possible. Very complicated and difficult stuff. I however have a Daughter named Heather that tells me it was one of the most rewarding choices I personally have ever made. (-: I have had 21 years of pure joy as a result. (-: As such I encourage people to consider the possibilities. (((-:

Just curious, besides Mark and I . . .single parents on this board? Do you girls with kids attached feel similar to me, have more to add that I missed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 4:01pm
Julles I would like to meet some of your single guy friends. I just moved to Philadelphia and gal_ziggy just dashed all of my hopes of meeting someone here.
It seems to me that I only get picked up by guys that I'm just not all that attracted too. And I know that it sounds shallow and mean and I really don't mean it to be but I give them all a chance and there just isn't any chemistry there. I wish I could will it to happen!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 4:38pm

Well I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it doesn't happen for my friends and me...but one of my best guy friends (and to be totally honest, we'd probably be dating if he weren't already taken when I met him...I have no feelings for him now, but I did for a little while) is 32 and we relate to one another and get along better than I do with many of my friends, guy friends or otherwise. Like I've said before, in many cases it's a maturity gap; I think it's unfair to say that all of these men are just fooling around with the 20-somethings, as is evident in this case since he married the 24-year old. Just because we're in our 20's doesn't mean we're goofy airheads just looking to get laid. Not to mention I have a difficult time dating, too, and I'm 22. I think I'm pretty cute, friendly, a nice girl, minimal baggage, the lot, but I haven't had a decent date in at LEAST six months.

And if the 30-something guys you've come across, shywon, are looking for perfection, well then there's a REASON they're single...they're not going to find it just because someone's in their 20's either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 4:46pm

I should read all of these posts before replying to one because now I'm just being a pain in the neck. :)

Anyway, all of these men are looking for these intelligent, successful, etc, but do you really think that's what most guys in their early to mid, and even late 20's are looking for?? I'm sure some are, but a LOT aren't. Women tend to be ready for a relationship at a younger age. I'm happy being single, but it frustrates me that I meet guys my age or a little older that tell me how great I am and then won't date me or ANYONE for more than, say, a month. In that case, it'd make sense that a lot of younger men who aren't looking to settle down or for relationships (who are largely undatable even to women MY age) are single, while many of the men who are actually looking to be in a relationship are actually catching up to women in the maturity factor. So if that were the case, there would naturally, statistically, be more eligible single women than men. Meaning more single women who are actually looking for a relationship. Now that I've talked myself in a circle I don't think that's news to anyone, but those are just my thoughts on the matter. :)




Edited 6/28/2007 4:50 pm ET by cml7721
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 5:21pm

I have never lived or visited Philadelphia, so I don’t have any single guy friends in Philadelphia for you to meet, nor can I attest to the single scenes there. Also and I don’t mean to sound rude, I am not just going to set my friends up with people I don’t know anything about and have never met. I hope my post didn’t in any way convey that I was willing to do that, and if it did, I apologize. All I was trying to convey is that based on where I live and my own experience, and what I see in the circle of friends I socialize with, there are more single men than single women. It seems harder for the single men to find someone they want to date and settle down with than the single women. They don’t however have any shortage of women to sleep with and have fun with. If you don’t know them and see them out and about, you would think they are with someone, but they are not. They consider themselves single and still looking for the right woman. The right woman, according to them, is next to impossible to find.

I have yet to hear any of my girlfriends complain about having a hard time finding a guy. Many of them are indeed in their early 30’s, and they actually have to fight to stay single when they come out of a relationship, but unfortunately, they don’t have much of a fighting chance. The guys swarm upon them like bees on honey.

So based on what I have seen and experienced, if you live in a big city, attractive, never married, no kids, smart, accomplished, have interests, goals and life of your own, I just can’t fathom that you would have a hard time meeting someone. I will however disclose and concede that perhaps it is easy for me and my friends to meet single accomplished guys because we are in a profession dominated by men. All of us met each other in grad school and work. So if you are out of school and in a profession dominated by women, like teaching for example, I can see that it might be hard to meet single eligible men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 5:21pm

Single mom here.

I'm done with kids - mine is 18 and on his own. I have zero interest in having any more.

My preference is to date men with no kids and who don't want kids, however, I'll date guys with older kids. No babies. And not a huge brood.

I completely understand why some people won't date parents. It's too major an issue to compromise on.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 5:35pm

Well, I wasn’t commenting on guys in their early to mid 20’s. All my guy friends are in their late 20’s and early 30’s. And I don’t have any advice to offer you and your friends who are in your early 20’s. I was responding to the posts written by women in their early 30’s. All I know is from what I have been told by the guys I personally know, and what I have been told is that they don’t want to date girls in their early 20’s. It’s fun to sleep with the 20 year old’s but when it comes to settling down, they are looking for someone who is a little bit older, mature, and intelligent. And the maturity I am talking about can only come from living and experiencing life. Most of us can’t possibly have experienced enough life at the ripe ate of 21 or 22 to claim to be mature.

This is not the point of my post or this thread, but why would you be looking to settle down when you are only 22 anyway? You have so much life to experience and accomplish. Live life, follow your dreams, have fun, and before you know it, guys will be tripping over themselves to date you.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 7:44pm

Maybe I misread, but I thought you said you weren't single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:30pm

No, you didn’t misread. I am not single, but I see what’s going on around me. I have girlfriends who are in their early 30’s coming out of relationships actually struggle to stay single for an extended period of time. Everytime I am out somewhere, it is more often than not that my guy friends come up to me to get the scoops on the women in the room, not the other way around. When I get requests for set up’s, it’s from my guy friends, not my girlfriends.

I don’t mean in any way trying to discount what you are experiencing. I am simply trying to offer a different perspective that perhaps under slightly different circumstances, you might very well find yourself having to turn down dates with very eligible single men. If the single scene where you live is abysmal, why not consider moving to a bigger city? If you don’t know anybody in the bigger city, make new friends, and make friends with their friends. When you meet guys you are not interested in dating, why not strike up a friendship with them if they are not a jerk? Not only can you meet other guys through them and their friends and so on and so on, I have found that they actually make better friends then girls. I met my bf, who is everything I was looking for in a man and more, through one of my guy friends. They are not as self centered and petty as girls. They don’t fall off the face of the planet the minute they get into a relationship. I can go on and on, but I am sure you get what I am trying to say. There is nothing to lose but everything to gain.

While we are on the topic of my guy friends, I agree with you that they should make themselves truly available, but they are guys and they have needs. They are not, however, dating these girls. There is no relationship involved and they are not taken in any way shape or form. I would characterize the arrangement at most as FWB, probably not even that.

Oh, and as far as physical attractiveness is concerned, yes, that is one of their very important criteria’s. I didn’t touch on it because I thought it was implied. However, I don’t think they are looking for the supermodel type. They are more into girls who are athletic and fit than the 20 year old’s who have a hot body but ridiculously high maintenance.

Before I start sounding like a promoter of my guy friends or writing a dating profile for them, I just want to reiterate to you all that the right guy is out there, perhaps in a different city or part of the country than where you currently live. They are just as eager as you are to find their match.

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