Guys: Why they're no longer DATING.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Guys: Why they're no longer DATING.
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Sun, 07-14-2013 - 1:16pm

I just read one of Music's replies and didn't want to hijack That's thread . . . 

One morning last week a DJ on a local radio station (this AM broadcast is based out of GA) was talking about how guys don't take girls out on dates any longer.  He kept referring to "group dates" and even "group texting".  He also talked about the "just come over and chill" syndrome.  Then he went on to say it's our fault as women, that we've conditioned men to do this . . . I was beside myself.  I actually got so angry, that I haven't listened to their morning show since.  

I get that there are plenty of women, and younger girls, who will and do settle for these types of scenarios but I certainly don't and didn't appreciate him saying that the blame falls on the women.  I get that guys are in the same financial predicament that a lot of women are, but they don't have to spend $50 on dinner.  It would be nice just to see a little bit of thought or effort and old fashioned courting is still quite appealing to a lot of women.  In my opinion, I don't know, I could be wrong but if a guy isn't putting forth any effort, is he really interested?  I mean, what is that, anyway(just come over and watch a movie with me, maybe mess around if you are game but with no romantic expectations)?  Maybe some guys will weigh in, here.

I get that some girls may ruin it for those like myself, they may indeed make guys lazy but I still don't see how that equates to it being "our" fault, as a whole sex.  I think it was a blanket excuse.  I usually respect and agree with this particular DJ's comments but this one really threw me for a loop.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 1:40pm
I do think women accept less these days as far as dating goes. I'm okay with meeting a guy out in a group, but the late night "hanging out" gets me. It's okay once a relationship is established as long as you're still going out as well. As the only activity, though, it's just lazy. I think this is a chicken/egg scenario, really. Do they offer less because we accept it, or do we accept it because that's all we're getting offered? I'd be all over going out on actual dates if that's what guys would do. It seems that they don't, though. So I make plans with my girlfriends and tell a guy he can join if he wants. At least then I have plans!
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 3:53pm

Let's just blame it on feminism while we're at it!

I'm far too old for "group dates" and "group texts" (whatever that is). I remember when I was in college in the 70s that many boys felt inviting you to their room to smoke a joint was considered a date! So the whole "come over and chill" has been around a long time I suppose. And I'm with you: let's see a little courting going on--it doesn't have to be a lot of money. But it's been my observation that when a man is really attracted to a woman, he will pursue her and not pull this "come over and let's watch a movie" move. He'll really work to get her. I know of a couple who met in college. He saw her driving around campus and was attracted. They weren't even in any of the same classes, but he found a way to meet her! They have been married ever since and have two kids.

So yeah, it totally hacks me off when women get blamed for douche behavior. Maybe this DJ has a lot of immature men in his audience that he wants to cater to?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 4:57pm

I don't know what group texting is, either.  I am starting to remind myself of one of those old people who is always complaining about "these young kids nowadays" LOL.  I can't keep up with all of the social sites and apps either.

It's funny you brought up feminism because they had a male caller to call in and say that he can't even open a door for a girl anymore, that "they" race him to the door before he can open it, everytime.  He also made some idiotic point about why guys prefer group dating over traditional courtship.  I wish I could remember it.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 5:38pm

Do you think what the DJ meant was that guys are this lazy because some women let them get away with it?  It's funny--I was in a bookstore cafe this afternoon and sitting very close to 2 middle aged women & one of them says to the other (showing her phone)--"look at this guy over 60 who wants to meet me" so I just said "sorry I couldn't help overhearing" and we got into this discussion about dating in general and OLD.  She said to me "did you ever look at the profiles of women our age?" and I said no and she said they were very suggestive and basically saying "I'm up for anything" so if there are middle aged women out there who are basically saying they will agree to a primarily sexual relationship, I think it would be logical that a lot of guys would figure--well why should I have to put effort into wining & dining and spending my money & trying to impress a date when I can just call this woman who is willing to have sex and I don't have to do anything--then maybe they feel that's what most women are like.

I agree with Floridagirl that if a man really wants to date a certain woman, he will put in the effort.  My friend is now dating her exH (long story there--they got divorced like 30 yrs ago and both had long relationships in between) but even there he gets dressed up and takes her out to dinner or dancing and he pays--they are in their 60's.  And my DD, who is 24, has a BF of a few months and they seem to like each other a lot--I mean they visited and met each other's families this weekend, so I'm sure at times they are just hanging out at home but I'm also sure that he had to take her out on dates because she is pretty smart about what she wants--he just took her to a nice concert this weekend.

So I guess it's what we will put up with--if you want a decent guy, you have certain expectations about how you want to be treated.  I don't think it's terrible to go out in a group--sometimes it can be more fun, but you also need to have time with just the 2 of you to really get to know each other too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 5:55pm

I've never heard of group texting, either.  What is that?? lol  

I think if a guy is really into you & wants to get to know you, he will court you.  And it doesn't always have to be a fancy restaurant.  There's a lot of fun things to do on the cheap.  I personally, wouldn't want to be with a guy where all he wants to do is stay in & "hang out" or just watch a movie at home.  Now if you've been in a relationship for a while w/that same person, then yeah, that'd be ok.  But I'm just really leary of guys who text you late at night & only want to hang out at home.  They want sex & sex only.  But if you are into that, hey, more power to you.  To each their own.  I was once into a guy but he never wanted to go anywhere.  He only wanted sex & I finally got tired of it.  I think it just depends on what the person wants, willing to give out, and willing to put up with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 6:42pm

I have never really understood the appeal of "group dating" or the tendency to refer to everything as "hanging out," either.

"old fashioned courting is still quite appealing to a lot of women."

It isn't to many - if not most - men, though.  The idea that the woman's time and company are worth more than the man's, and that women need to be "pursued" - is not very appealing to men in an age of equal rights.  A lot of younger women are not particularly hung up on older dating rituals, either.  You will find men who do enjoy that, but it's not fair to expect all men to play those games, or to blame younger women for discarding them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 6:42pm

I have never really understood the appeal of "group dating" or the tendency to refer to everything as "hanging out," either.

"old fashioned courting is still quite appealing to a lot of women."

It isn't to many - if not most - men, though.  The idea that the woman's time and company are worth more than the man's, and that women need to be "pursued" - is not very appealing to men in an age of equal rights.  A lot of younger women are not particularly hung up on older dating rituals, either.  You will find men who do enjoy that, but it's not fair to expect all men to play those games, or to blame younger women for discarding them.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 7:07pm

Carpo, I don't consider dating a game.  I am impressed with a guy who is willing to show me a nice time, and give me an hour or two of his undivided attention.  If dating requires settling for a couple of beers and maybe some cheap physical attention on the couch in front of a tv set, I'll pass.  I don't know how or why that would be appealing to any self respecting young woman.  Not judging, just don't get it.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 7:15pm

Are you willing to show him a "nice time" and pay for the dates, or at least pay for your fair share?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 7:37pm

I know your comment is directed at Cfk, but let me just say: it's not about the money. It's not about being old-fashioned, or adhering to rigid sex role stereotypes either. 

Yes, of course women can ask men out on dates, and they can pay and all of that. But I think the person that does the asking should pay--and it's usually the man who does the asking in our culture. If a man asks me out, and thus issues an invitation, then it's more mannerly for him to just pay. It's awkward to try to split the bill and be fumbling around with wallets and credit cards. If I were a man, I would expect to pay if I asked a woman out. I wouldn't want her to be worried, "Oh, should I offer to pay?" In a way, it takes some of the specialness out of it. It would be my treat, ya know? I'm not expecting to be flown to Paris to eat at L'Argent---hey, take me to a fun ethnic restaurant.

And if a relationship seems to be forming, then of course I will pay. But we've talked about this a lot on this board.

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