Hate to give up but

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Hate to give up but
22
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:29am
I have officially accepted singlehood.
Tired of hoping. Tired of wishing and tired of people telling me there is a guy out there for me when in reality, there may not be. Honestly, I don't think there is really. From what I gather, men are already in relationships and committed ones at that. I've accepted that I'll never marry, have kids or fall in love for that matter.
We were all talking and someone asked who was the love of my life. As I look back, there really was no one. My last long term b/f was abusive and crazy and a cheat. Others were game players and didn't know what they wanted.
So to protect myself, I'm going to accept my fate as a single woman and not fight with it anymore.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:42am

I don't think it's a bad thing to look back and realize you never had someone who was the "love of your life."

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:50am

If you really figure out how to do that, let me know because I sure WANT to accept it, but don't seem to be able to actually DO so. I can't kill that little ray of hope, unrealistic as it is.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 12:54pm
Well I'm learning to accept things now.
Especially as I get older. Let's face it, the pickings are slim.
I'm not some young perky 20 something year old anymore and that's what guys want. I can pass for 20 something, but my body tells me that clock is ticking.
What I'm tired of is building hope only to be let down and it happens time and time again.
Sometimes when I think back to what I went through with my last b/f and his abusiveness, both physically and mentally, it makes me wonder why I even want anyone else. I read on the boards also what women are going through even in the early stages of dating and it saddens me. I don't think I can handle rejection after rejection constantly. I'm only human and I ask myself how much more can I take until I'm down? I'm happiest when I'm single and I'm traveling with my friends and not worrying about kids or a man of my own. It's when I start thinking about it and attempt to get it for myself is when I feel sad and discouraged. It's alot easier for some but it's never been easy for me. I can remember as young as 16 years old being disappointed by guys who loved you one minute and dodged you the next. That's how it's been ever since and I really don't have the tolerance for it anymore and I'm talking like this in my 30's. Some people say well if you give up, you'll never find anyone. But guess what? I keep trying and hoping and still end up single. So what's there to do but accept. That way my feelings of let down aren't so great anymore.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 1:08pm

Oh, I agree with the reasons TO accept--I'm just saying that even though I have no choice but to accept the reality that I almost certainly will be single for the rest of my life, I find myself unable to actually REACH acceptance. That is what I'm struggling with. So if you have any insight on how to actually GET to acceptance, I'd be all ears!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 1:29pm

I envy people who find love when they're in their early-to-mid-20's, get married, and don't have to deal with this crap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 2:56pm
I guess that's it. The attraction thing. Sometimes one will feel it and the other won't.
Sometimes one feels chemistry, and the other doesn't.
I've been on both ends. I've rejected and I've been rejected.
Ahem. I will deflate my ego and admit that. Though I've been told I'm attractive and sweet personality and keep the weight down, 135lb., I still have a hard time.
But I guess that's all part of the dating scenario.
Not to mention how people can change their minds about you as fast as the March wind. I remember when I first started seeing my ex b/f, he was all sweet and loving attentive for a bit but then red flags as early in the relationship, he'd disappear, he'd tell me he didn't love/want me anymore, all his feelings had changed overnight and when I'd walk away, he'd grab me or he'd keep calling and showing up and being a pest and telling me how much he loved me and how we were meant to be. I put up with that from him for 6 years but I know I won't do that again.
Relationships are very hard and honestly, I don't know if I have the stomach for it anymore. Even in the dating world or post dating world. Guys smile and indicate they're interested but never do anything about it and when the girl decides to do something as innocent as say hi, you can reach me here, he bails. I'm sensitive so I guess I have no business playing the game anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 4:59pm
I hate it when others say that "if you give up you'll never find someone". As if they know how much disappointment and hurt we have gone through looking for the one. Most of them don't know. I say just go with your feelings of not having hope if they protect you. It's all you can do sometimes. But your hope will come back, it goes in waves really. I'm in one of my "I still have hope" phases. I'm not sure where it is coming from but I guess I'll just be happy that it's there now. You will get your hope back and it IS realistic to have hope because it does happen to a lot of people even those of us with seemingly endless bad luck in dating. Sometimes it seems as if there is no hope but we still are young and we have to realize this. I know 30 something doesn't seem young but it is and we are at the prime of our lives and if we believe that we will find him then we will. I have a strong belief that there are several men out there for me it's just a matter of finding them or running into them by chance. I am very selective so I'll have to just be patient since I refuse to settle. I think those of us who can't settle because we won't be happy doing that have to go through more disappointments and pain with dating because it's not that easy. It's easy to settle but then in the long haul you won't be happy but for those of us that don't want to settle it will be tough and there will be lots of lonely moments and road blocks along the way but when we do find that person who is the right one for us we won't regret holding out and having patience because do we really want to face the alternative of being with someone who we have serious doubts about or just don't seem right for us? No because it's not fair to us or the other person. Try your best to have faith. I go through these moments of throwing my hands up in the air all the time but I always bounce back up and renew my faith.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 9:23am

Liyahberry,

Well, I heard on the grapevine that Adrastos is single ... me bad ... hahaha ... I'm going to be in big trouble tomorrow! It's worth it :-)

In all seriousness now, I feel your pain. I don't know if you read my tale of two cities but I was caught between being offered a glamourous job in a city where the men are morons and the women are unfriendly and another city where the men are down to earth and friendly but there are little job prospects. I have accepted the job but I've had a sinking feeling all day about whether I made the right choice. I feel really frustrated because I know there are men that I find attractive and they find me equally attractive but it's like finding a needle in a haystack. I have realised that it was a problem in my early 20's that I do not find many men attractive. I don't think I have unreasonable demands but I seem to encounter a lot of d*ckheads for want of a better word. Honestly, sometimes I cry driving home and think that I deserve better and I feel there is no better here. Thank your lucky stars that you at least have friends that will stand by you. Mine are either married or obsessed with their boyfriends. It's boring as hell. I'm with you though that I feel happiest when I'm with my friends. I've never been able to replicate that feeling with a boyfriend. I've always dated men who were insecure, jealous and controlling and made me miserable. This company I'm going to be working for is very cool and I wish I had someone to share it with me. I'm either miserable at work and have a boyfriend or I'm happy at work and I'm single! As for the people who find it easy to be in relationships, it's quantity not quality. True love does not come around all that often.

Feisty

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 10:14am
Hey Feisty;
Congratulations on your new job. That's next on my agenda too. More so than finding a man now.
My big problem too is I'm not attracted to alot of men. I can go on for months or even years and not find anyone remotely attractive or interesting and then when I do and he seems interested, nothing happens. Alot of it is me because I've found more men attracted to me whereas I wasn't attracted to them. Even if I forced myself to try to be attracted, I can't.
My mother used to shake her finger at me and nod her head but hey, if I don't feel it, I don't want to waste anyone's time and vice versa.
Like I said, I've rejected alot and I've been rejected alot too. It's not easy finding that happy medium and I don't think I ever will at this point in life.
In a few years, I'll be approaching my 40's and I can't imagine it getting easier then. I've just never been lucky in the love department and I realize this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 10:48am
I have your same problem of finding it hard to be attracted to most men who are attracted to me. So therefore it makes it that much harder to find someone and the dating pool is even smaller that way. I'm not that picky when it comes to looks and will be attracted to some men who are average as well. I try to see the guys who are attracted to me for the wonderful men that they are and the good personalities that they have and give them a shot but like you said you can't force it and you dont' want to lead the other person on if there is nothing there. When I am attracted to someone though they usually don't like me back, c'est la vie I guess. I'm noticing that this is a huge pattern for me lately but what can I do. I'm looking for someone in which the attraction is mutual and I really admire the kind of person that they are, not very easy to do it seems at least for me...........

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