Hate to give up but

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Hate to give up but
22
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:29am
I have officially accepted singlehood.
Tired of hoping. Tired of wishing and tired of people telling me there is a guy out there for me when in reality, there may not be. Honestly, I don't think there is really. From what I gather, men are already in relationships and committed ones at that. I've accepted that I'll never marry, have kids or fall in love for that matter.
We were all talking and someone asked who was the love of my life. As I look back, there really was no one. My last long term b/f was abusive and crazy and a cheat. Others were game players and didn't know what they wanted.
So to protect myself, I'm going to accept my fate as a single woman and not fight with it anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 11:28am
Yeah. You definitely feel my pain.
This year was fun because I was attracted to two guys at my company. I liked one a little more because his personality seemed nice. Both of them liked me. I was attracted to both. But as luck would have it, both of their depts. were cut so they're leaving and neither of them offered me a telephone number! LOL!
So now I'm back to square one again. I'm not really looking around and I wasn't really looking around when I discovered I liked two guys at once. I just enjoyed the attention but just realized that it's only to enjoy and nothing more would come of it and it didn't as usual. I'm getting used to that.
So that's why I've accepted my cruel fate of circumstances. I have given up hope, I hate to say it because I'm tired of being disappointed constantly.
I in no way harbor any ill feelings towards men. I'll always be attracted to them but I'll always have my guard up and not expect anything anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 11:29am

Girls, i am on the same page as you with this one and i am only 23 years old!

Most of the guys that seem to be attracted to me are those that i do not wish to fraternize with. I get all of the creeps coming after me and no prince charming in sight. I do not think that i aim out of my league in regards to attraction either. I am a very attractive young woman who has major life goals and is smart and funny and pretty much everything a guy could want ( i like football, cars, and i am very good at being one of the guys). I will go out somewhere with friends and guys will avoid me. People tell me that guys are always checking me out and staring me down yet they never come over to say hi to me.

I often do not attract men my age either which in actuality i don't mind since i tend to be attracted to older men. My dad's theory is that men my age aren't mature enough for me or ready for a girl like me. I am quite old for my age and this could eb a setback in regards to dating. When i go out to a club, most girls i dressed in their most revealing clothing and i opt for the sexy yet classy look (knee length skirts, backless halter tops, nothing that shows my assets to the public). I almost feel as though i have to compete with these beautiful tall thin girls who are tanned (i am short, thin with red hair and i don't tan, i burn).

I think at any age it is hard to find that one person. But i wouldn't give up hope. I just came back from a wedding for my cousin who is in her 30's and she met the man of her dreams after everyone thought that she would be single for ever. I have never seen a happier bridge and groom. It was a truly amazing wedding, one like i have never seen before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:00pm

liyahberry,

You and I seem to have lived the same life but as the opposite sex :-O
Lots of women have loved me but unfortunately it was never mutual. I tried but I couldn't make it happen. The only woman I thought I loved was an emotionally abusive psycho (These people are experts at hiding their darker side until you are hooked in so deep it's hard to walk away). The fact is that you and I didn't choose to settle with what we got when many, may others do. I find it difficult to believe that all the people who are married are actually deeply in love with each other.

You probably envisage a marriage of absolute bliss when I think in reality these are very, very rare. Most of the people I know that got married years ago are now divorced. I wonder how many years they were stuck in a marriage that they wanted to end. Also, two married male work colleagues have had affairs but have kept the marriage together for the sake of their children, hardly what I consider bliss. Single is good. I have enjoyed everything I have done and continue to do in my life and it wouldn’t have been possible if I were married with kids.




Edited 8/30/2006 12:04 pm ET by hal_9000
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:20pm
Hal;
I'm with you on the people who are married and not really happy theory.
I know a couple who after their three kids are grown and out the house, decide to divorce after being married for over 35 years. He's been cheating on her with the same woman for many years while they were married and then turned around and had a baby with a young girl while he was still married to hiw wife. It's obvious they shouldn't have never gotten married to begin with. And we all want to be blissfully married, but how many really are?
Hal. I cannot tell you how many men have been attracted to me and I didn't feel the same. I felt guilty each and every time because it's happened quite alot. As much as I wanted to force it, the attraction never came. Now on the flip side, when I'm attracted to someone, he's either slightly attracted but not enough to do anything about it or just not attracted at all. I never know how to get around that.
So can you imagine how I feel when my brother comes to visit me or I visit him and he starts with his, "When am I going to be an uncle? Where's your man? Are you a lesbian?" crap. I want to hurl something at him but he doesn't understand.
I'm just tired of all of it. Really.
I never knew it would be so hard for me and I know I'm not bad looking. I'm not fat. I'm pretty tiny weight size but as I always say, my personality outshines everything else. So what's wrong with me? LOL. I guess I'm just a victim of circumstances.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 1:38pm
Trust me you are not alone. I seem to have lived the same exact scenario as you. Mutual attraction for me is a VERY RARE thing and when it happens the guy turns out to be the wrong guy for me after I get to know him better. Uggg, it's not easy, it's tough. I don't think that we are necessarily victims of circumstance I think we are just looking for something that's very rare it seems. A lot of people have settled like you and Hal were discussing and we don't want to settle. We are searching for the right one where things aren't perfect but they flow and we are looking for that feeling where things just seem right and no matter what with that person you can work through the hardships. Because we aren't willing to settle and truley finding the right one is not a common occurance because it takes a lot of trial and error (except for those lucky few who just had it show up) we are still single in our 30s hoping and wishing. But honestly I couldn't live with myself if I was with the wrong person. I would never be happy and i would be living a lie and looking for another person that whole time so for me to settle is not an option.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 3:37pm

What you ahve said biochic2004 is so very true. I am super picky when it comes to guys, mainly because i have been in such crappy relationships in the past that i don't want to have a repraise of them again. I feel that i deserve the best and i am not going to settle for something that i don't truly want.

I grew up in a generation of girls that were brought up on disney fairytales and i hate to admit it but i like to believe in them sometimes. I like to believe that i am going to find prince charming and have a great life. I always tell my grandparents that when i grow up i want to be them. They have been married now for 60 years and are still in love with each other. I know that all couples have their differences and fights and problems but when i look at them i see hope.

On the plus side, being single is great sometimes:
-You can just take off and leave whenever you feel like it.
-You don't need to worry about calling anyone just to check in
-You don't need to worry about anniversary/birthday/christmas/channukah gifts
-You can watch whatever you want on TV or listen to whatever you want on the radio
-You can go out with your friends and not have to worry about answering to someone at home
-You don't have to worry about fights

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 3:57pm

On the plus side, being single is great sometimes:
-You can just take off and leave whenever you feel like it.
-You don't need to worry about calling anyone just to check in
-You don't need to worry about anniversary/birthday/christmas/channukah gifts
-You can watch whatever you want on TV or listen to whatever you want on the radio
-You can go out with your friends and not have to worry about answering to someone at home
-You don't have to worry about fights

I'd also like to add:

-Drama and stress free!

Hang in there ladies, when we're meant to find something, we will find it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 4:29pm

>>You probably envisage a marriage of absolute bliss when I think in reality these are very, very rare. Most of the people I know that got married years ago are now divorced. <<

I don't think most of the women (or men) on this board view marriage as a state of "absolute bliss." I am not speaking for liyahberry, but I can say that I am not seeking "bliss." I am seeking a real partnership, an end to loneliness, having someone there at the end of the day, someone who shares common goals and values and believes in making marriage work. Respect, love and passion are not too much to hope for.

I DO think marriage can offer honesty, fidelity, happiness and more. Yes, we all know couples who don't meet that definition, and we know many people who are not "happily married" but it's not necessary to be so doom and gloom.

I think a lot of us on this board might benefit from having had to wait longer to find a mate. I think it will help a lot of us choose a healthier partner now than we would have when we were younger.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 6:27pm

Liyahberry,

Thank you! I'm going to be working in a men dominated industry promoting an entertainment and leisure product and I will be getting a lot of freebies so I'll be very popular with the men in my life ... hehehe ... can't wait to get those business cards *wink*

I agree with you that we're single due to circumstance. It's really frustrating that I would have been married years ago if I lived in a smaller city. For me personally, I'm attracted to men who are simple, down to earth, content. I prefer blue collar workers over white collar workers and I'm ethnic Australian and prefer to date ethnic Australians as we share the same values and culture. I've always worked in industries and areas that are dominated by white collar workers and worked with people who are Anglo Australian, pretentious and up themselves. It doesn't really appeal to me. At my current job, I work with a lot of insecure sales people who are the biggest tossers and wankers who are arrogant and think they are better than everyone else because they are working for a high profile magazine. It's really pathetic to watch.

You and I have the same problem where we won't be attracted to people for long periods of time. So when we find someone, I feel a lot of pressure to hold onto the relationship because I knew that it would be a long time before I would feel that way again. I laugh when I read these posts and people are complaining because they are single for six months. That's nothing. I have dated on and off but my last serious relationship was about four years ago. And like you, when it rains, it pours and I have to make a choice out of two guys and in Australia we don't date multiple guys so I have to make a choice based on limited information.

As I mentioned in another post, I'm going to make a few changes because I feel I have been in a rut. I've got this new job where I will have the chance to organise events, socialise and travel overseas and interstate, I have been entertaining the idea of becoming a cycle instructor which I am going to pursue, I'm also going to play indoor netball and join a women's networking group as well. I currently work shifts in my current job as I have international clients but in my new job, I will be able to do a lot more things in the week day as opposed to the weekend.

My mum has given up shaking her head at me ... heheheh! As for your brother, I'd nipped those rude comments in the bud. I've got a brother like that as well and he really tried his best to damage my self esteem when I was growing up. It's really toxic and depressing being around people like that who should have your best interests at heart. You don't have to explain or justify your lifestyle to him. Just cut him off if he makes any comments to you. You don't have to sit there and listen to that rubbish. If he was happy with his life, he wouldn't feel a need to comment on yours and put you down.

Feisty

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 8:55am

***HUGS***

I know how you feel, I really do. I'm 28 and have never really even "dated" anyone, I seem to meet the guys that are afraid of commitment or aren't looking for someone to date or be someone's boyfriend, and the way they end things is just cowardly (e-mail, phone, just drop off the face of the earth...) and I decided to stop my search, but I'm not giving up, and you shouldn't either. It's fine to not look (or not want to look, which is where I'm at right now). Putting yourself out there is hard, and it seems as soon as you meet someone and you are ready to open yourself and your heart to the idea of a relationship, you get hurt again, that's the story of my life! However, I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to have that certain someone who will always be there for me, and I know that he's out there, but in the meantime, I'm shifting my focus on other aspects of my life and improving myself. Plus, I've been in a bit of a self-help book kick, so I'm changing my way of thinking :)

Don't give up, there's nothing wrong with being single, if that's what you really want, and I know it's frustrating and it hurts to meet these idiots time after time, just know that you're not alone :)

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket