Have you dated a guy like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Have you dated a guy like this?
12
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 4:49pm

I was wondering if anyone has ever dated a guy who is unreliable and whether or not to stay....I've been dating this guy for almost 7 months. We have great chemistry and he calls me from 1-4 times per day, every day. I have a 9 year old son so we only see each other once a week. I want to see him more and I told him that I'm looking for a long term relationship and someone who wants a commitment and wants to get married...he told me that's exactly what he's looking for but then his actions say a different thing.

I'll give you an example. On Friday night he spent the night and then worked on Saturday. Then he called me and said he was going to come over on Saturday night. I said okay, call me later when you're coming over. He called next on Sunday morning at 10 a.m. (I was out at the gym) and he left a message saying sorry, I fell asleep. I called him back, he said he was at the flea market with a friend but would come over later that day. He called me at 4 pm and said he would be there in 20 minutes. Then he called me at 4:30 and said his truck had broken down on the highway. I said I don't believe you...I could hear the highway traffic in the background. He said you're not supportive, I have to call a tow truck and hung up.

The thing is, I really like this guy but this type of thing has happened countless times over the past 7 months. He's a nice guy and we have great chemistry but do guys like this ever change? I've tried about 5 times to break up with him...I've told him I'm looking for a very serious relationship and he says he is too. Also, his sister was tragically killed 3 weeks ago and I want to be there to support him through this but on the other hand, I'm 41 years old and I feel like I'm wasting time.

Thanks for your help.

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 6:13pm

I usually let a guy use the "I fell asleep" excuse once, knowing it's a cop out but also knowing everyone has their moments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 7:38pm

I agree. A goat would be better company. So you'd have a few more droppings. But it would be more than gal is getting now.

I hear more excuses that visits from this guy. Vamoose to the seashore and net more fish worthy of one's time.

Ooowheee...

Lou

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 8:37pm

You could always break up with him but tell him that you will be there for him should he need you for a shoulder to lean on while he is working through his grief.

Some people change but some do not. It's a gamble. I know this, you can't make someone change. They have to want it. If you feel he is not being as attentive as you would like for him to be now, you have to ask yourself what things will be like later down the road.

I am going to ask an intrusive question, I hope you don't mind: Why have you broken up with him five times? Okay, that is not really what I want to know. What I would like to know is, why have you gotten back together with him five times? Just curious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 8:20am

I've broken up with his five times because I feel that he's lying to me with his excuses. I am straightforward with him and tell him, you're lying to me, I don't think you want to spend time with me, I don't believe your excuses and I'm going to find someone else....For example, he was supposed to come over to my house on a Thursday night...he called me at the last minute and said his brother's car had broken down and he needed to go pick up his brother. He swore he was telling the truth even though I told him I didn't believe him...the thing is, I can't prove that he's lying.

He keeps calling me and begging me to stay with him and he tells me that he's telling the truth. I have a son so I can't get a babysitter very often and don't want to introduce him to my son so I'm only able to see him once a week. I guess that's a good excuse for him not to have to see me alot.

I know if I break up with him he'll beg me to stay and try to talk his way out of it...I like him alot and have great chemistry with him. He says he wants marriage and to move in together this summer but then he has all these excuses. It's very confusing..lol.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 12:26pm

I had a relationship with a guy like this once. We didn't live together but would schedule to have dinner at my place a couple nights per week. I would have dinner ready and one the table by no later than seven or 8. What time did he show up? Usually around ten. It was very frustrating. When I asked where he'd been, in would come the flow of BS excuses.

My point in all this is . . . all the years we dated, I suspected he was a liar but I could never prove it. After putting up with it for years, I set out on a mission to catch him in a lie and I did, a big one.

If your gut is telling you that this guy is a liar, he probably is, unfortunately. The kind of scary thing about your situation is, if I recall, you have only been seeing him for seven months. My ex-bf started his shenanigans after about two years. In the beginning, all was perfect. I liar is a liar, it doesn't matter when it starts, I suppose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 3:32pm

In a way I wonder if he is a compulsive liar and I want to help him. He is a very private person who doesn't share too much about himself. He told me he bought a puppy but then never mentioned the puppy again, or invited me to see it, etc. When I asked him two weeks later what the puppy's name was, he said he didn't have one. He also told me he was working one day during a snow storm...the next day, he forgot he told me and admitted he wasn't working. If he is a compulsive liar I would like to help him. In fact, when his sister was in a car accident, it was April's fool's day and I thought he was lying but he wasn't.

I guess there's no real future in this. It was a beautiful day on Sunday and he promised to spend it with me but then he said his car broke down. He got very mad when I didn't believe him and said I wasn't supportive and said he was at the side of the highway.

He calls me every day and I'm going to miss those phonecalls...do you think there's any hope (like counselling?) with a compulsive liar or is it a waste of time?...I also don't know how I'm going to break up with him because he will keep calling me. He is very persistent.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 4:29pm

I don't know about your friend and I am obviously not even close to being a expert in psychology. However, I do happen to have a family member who is a compulsive liar. They have been their entire life. They also happen to be a prescription drug addict and if you didn't know them, they could convince you that the sky is red when you know very well that it is blue. They have been through several rehab stints as well as psychiatrists. They have also been rushed to the hospital with no pulse, twice. Yet, will sit there and tell you to your face that they do not have a problem.

Please be careful with your giving nature(don't mean to preach). My .02 is: I would not waste it on someone who cannot even give you the respect you deserve, by being truthful to you. It's HIS problem to fix, not yours, with all due respect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 6:38pm
Thanks very much for your advice...I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I'm going to think it over. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 8:51am
You can't help him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 8:52am

Also...if he is a compulsive liar, he may very well not even realize he has a problem - part of the problem with compulsive liars is they truly believe the lies they tell.

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