He has a gf, should I ask him out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
He has a gf, should I ask him out?
47
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 5:14pm
I would appreciate any comments or advice you have - I am new to a big city, I'm 38, single, no kids. There's a new guy at work that I run into occasionally and we chat from time to time. He's not married and I am very attracted to him. I do notice him looking at me quite a bit and when he passes by he is always friendly and has a big smile on his face. I mentioned that I am new to the city, and he told me that he lives in the same area that I just moved to. He made the comment that he could show me around but he never mentioned it again. We haven't really gotten too personal, just small talk. I know someone (male) that he works with and he told me that he has a girlfriend. His comment to that was, "you have to put a wedge in between there". I have never asked someone out that is "taken". I'm not sure how to handle it, but I have to find out if he is interested one way or another. Should I play the "friend card" and just ask him if he's interested in getting together sometime and have coffee, lunch or go to a movie? Help! I'm not sure what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 2:08pm
To be honest with you, I don't even KNOW HIM. That's the only reason why I thought about asking him to have lunch or coffee. After talking with him and getting to know him a little better, I may not even be interested in him in a romantic way. Also, he may have a single friend he can introduce me to. And another thing, I don't know what kind of relationship they have. They could just be dating. I guess those are the things I want to find out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 2:29pm

If the term "girlfriend" was used, that sounds like reason enough to steer clear, but that's just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 2:42pm

So you asked for help, everyone here has said to stay clear. You see no reason not to. So what exactly do you need help with? Do you want advice on how to ask a man out, even though he has a girlfriend? Sorry, no advice here. Most of us here are women who do not condone that type of behavior. And some of us are in relationships so we can't advise on how to ask another woman's man out.

Since you see no harm, do what you need to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 3:58pm

I will also say that, I have not been dating my boyfriend very long - only about 2 1/2 months -

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 4:28pm

You're asking for trouble. It's people like this poster who walk into drama with their eyes wide open and refusing to see the red flags. And then when things blow up in their faces, they can't understand why.

He has a girlfriend. Get it? A girlfriend. That means he's off limits. No lunch dates, no dinner dates, no movies, coffee, nothing! I agree with the o/p, you do have ulterior motives. You're attracted to this guy but he's unavailable. Leave it be! He's taken!

I'm sure there are other people you can get to show you around town. BUt if you do decide to ignore everyone's advice, remember Karma is a... well, you know the rest.

Gosh, what's wrong with women these days?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:15pm
Hey, just because a guy has a girlfriend or a girl has a boyfriend doesn't mean that they are completely happy with the situation. Some people stay in relationships for convenience or because they are insecure or scared to be alone. I know a lot of people including myself that have stayed in a relationship for the wrong reasons. And if someone comes along, that they are more compatible with then what's so wrong with that? I have no idea if that's the case, but I have to at least explore it. Geesh, don't you always hear the saying take a chance. Life's too short. I've always waited for men to approach me and I need to change that. I'm not getting any younger. Like I said, he's NOT MARRIED!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 7:54pm

If he has agreed to be exclusive with her, then going on a date with someone else is cheating. It doesn't matter that he's not married.

People who have integrity and character don't cheat, even they aren't happy. They end their relationships first, THEN explore the possibilities.

You can justify it however you want--still doesn't make it right.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 7:59pm

Hi,

If I hear a man has a gf, even if the RS is in trouble, I'd stayed out of it. I don't know it's probably b/c I'm not very secure with myself and don't want to get hurt in the event that we should start to get involved then he decided to get back with the gf. You see, most breakups aren't clean cut and I don't want to rush into a RS when the guy is not completely detached. I would wait and see if he breaks up with the gf then you can make a move.

The other thing is while I see nothing wrong with having a friendship with a male co-worker, that is a platonic RS. nothing beyond that. I've gone out with male coworkers (who have gf's) for lunch alone, some even paid for it, but w/i the context of being just friends. There's no intention beyond just having company for lunch. You have more than a platonic interest in this man. You're very attracted to him. You think it might lead to something should his current RS fizzes out and you want to be first in line should that happen. If you're only interested in just being friends, why not go out in a group or the when the occasion arises naturally for having lunch together. You see if you're only interested in making a platonic friend, there's no rush, you just let things take their natural course.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 8:26am

It's pointless arguing with you. You obviously have self esteem issues. There is obviously a void in your life that would make you want to try to steal another woman's man. I mean come on, let's say he is unhappy and is waiting around for the right opportunity to leave his g/f. Would you even want a guy like this? Because trust me, he'll only do it to you too. You say you've done that in the past, stayed in a relationship that wasn't right because you didn't want to be alone. See, something is not right there. You need to explore why you would want to go after a man who isn't available.

You need a hobby. Join some clubs, make some friends, keep busy and stop trying to steal another girl's boyfriend. That's not cool. I'm sure if the shoe were on the other foot you wouldn't like it either.

Anyway,a lot of guys flirt all the time, even when they're married or have girlfriends, they flirt. Doesn't mean a thing.

Okay, I'm done now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:04am

You don't HAVE to wait for men to approach you, but why must you choose one who has a girlfriend to approach, to "take a chance" on?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket