He has a gf, should I ask him out?
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He has a gf, should I ask him out?
| Fri, 03-09-2007 - 5:14pm |
I would appreciate any comments or advice you have - I am new to a big city, I'm 38, single, no kids. There's a new guy at work that I run into occasionally and we chat from time to time. He's not married and I am very attracted to him. I do notice him looking at me quite a bit and when he passes by he is always friendly and has a big smile on his face. I mentioned that I am new to the city, and he told me that he lives in the same area that I just moved to. He made the comment that he could show me around but he never mentioned it again. We haven't really gotten too personal, just small talk. I know someone (male) that he works with and he told me that he has a girlfriend. His comment to that was, "you have to put a wedge in between there". I have never asked someone out that is "taken". I'm not sure how to handle it, but I have to find out if he is interested one way or another. Should I play the "friend card" and just ask him if he's interested in getting together sometime and have coffee, lunch or go to a movie? Help! I'm not sure what to do.

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I agree with you. Most relationships don't end up as life long comitments. Sometimes you just find somebody that you like better. Most of the posters on this thread seem to think that women own their boyfriends. There are sanctified inviolable comitments. They are called marriages. If their relationship is so strong then he will not go on a date with someone else. There is nothing wrong with the OP letting him know that she is interested. If he wants to go out with her, than he can break up with his gf and go on a date. If not than he can say, "no thanks". I do think that she should then back off. I think that tempting him into a sexual daliance would be wrong.
At my last job one of my coworkers came on to me. It was not unseemly or overdone, just a little flirting to show her interest. She has a boyfriend, and I have a gf. I didn't want to date her enough to end both of our relationships so I just was friendly but did not respond flirtatiously (although she is attractive and I wanted to). She threw me the ball, and I fielded it and threw it where I thought it should go. No harm, no foul. (I do think that she should break up with her BF though, because she seems unsatisfied and he is a controlling loser, but that is her business).
Most of the posters seem to believe that men are interchangeable. Why go after the guy with the girlfriend? Just pick another guy, its easy, they are all the same. This ownership concept is also creepy. I file these sentiments along with those of girls who do not allow their friends to date their ex-boyfriends. As if their claim transends time and space. Let the guy be responsible for his own conduct. If his standards of integrity are not what you would like than do not date him. Otherwise, make your pitch.
Oh, please. If a person has made a commitment to another person to be exclusive and monogamous in the context of a relationship, then honoring that commitment is what a person of character and integrity does. It doesn't matter if you're married or not--if you've made that commitment, then you need to stick with it--or end the relationship.
And by the same token, a person of integrity doesn't flirt with or approach someone knowing they are involved in a relationship. Your co-worker was flat out wrong to flirt with you.
It has nothing to do with "ownership". That's total BS. It's a matter of ethics, integrity and character.
Sheri
That's exactly what I was going to say.
Women don't "own" their husbands either.
I agree with you. I sometimes question some people's ethics and integrity sometimes. I guess it's a me, me, me, self-indulgent world out here.
And thank you, Shy.
>>Oh, please. If a person has made a commitment to another person to be exclusive and monogamous in the context of a relationship, then honoring that commitment is what a person of character and integrity does. It doesn't matter if you're married or not--if you've made that commitment, then you need to stick with it--or end the relationship.<<
So the only reason to be in a relationship is if you intend to spend the rest of your life with that person? Plenty of people have relationships for other reasons besides trying to get married. You have no idea what the OP's coworker's relationship is like or what his feelings about his comitment level are. Not all relationships are pre-marriages (thank God).
So the only reason to be in a relationship is if you intend to spend the rest of your life with that person?
Perhaps I missed something (I did go back and re-read it a couple of times after reading your response but still could not find it), but Sheri did not say that anywhere in her post...
Don't be ridiculous. Of course that's not what I'm saying. You're reading something into my words that is not there.
Of course committing to be exclusive doesn't mean you're necessarily going to get married but it does mean that you've made a commitment to not date other people. So the point is, if you make a commitment (whether it's for a day or a lifetime or somewhere in between, and regardless of what the level of commitment is), you honor that commitment, or you end the relationship and with it, the commitment. Period--there's no wiggle room, at least not for someone who has integrity. The guy's "feelings" are about any commitment he has made to be exclusive or monogamous or whatever with his GF are irrelevant. He needs to resolve those for himself--but an outsider needs to respect the fact that he's made a commitment.
Sheri
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