He has a gf, should I ask him out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
He has a gf, should I ask him out?
47
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 5:14pm
I would appreciate any comments or advice you have - I am new to a big city, I'm 38, single, no kids. There's a new guy at work that I run into occasionally and we chat from time to time. He's not married and I am very attracted to him. I do notice him looking at me quite a bit and when he passes by he is always friendly and has a big smile on his face. I mentioned that I am new to the city, and he told me that he lives in the same area that I just moved to. He made the comment that he could show me around but he never mentioned it again. We haven't really gotten too personal, just small talk. I know someone (male) that he works with and he told me that he has a girlfriend. His comment to that was, "you have to put a wedge in between there". I have never asked someone out that is "taken". I'm not sure how to handle it, but I have to find out if he is interested one way or another. Should I play the "friend card" and just ask him if he's interested in getting together sometime and have coffee, lunch or go to a movie? Help! I'm not sure what to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 11:59am
n/t


Edited 3/16/2007 12:07 pm ET by lolitalovely

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 12:02pm

Everybody, let's please remember to choose our words carefully.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 12:08pm
You're right, I won't go there with him. I decided to edit my post. It's not worth it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 12:54am

wow! i was very surprised by the emotional reactions to this question.

honestly, when i first read the post, i thought, 'sure, ask him out as a friend.' in the past, i have kept guys with girlfriends on my radar - not seducing them, but nonetheless keeping them in mind should a situation change. i felt that as a single person, i should maximize my opportunities, and not block myself from what could end up being a great relationship.

when the golden rule was cited, it did make me think. i do have a bf now, and it would hurt if another woman were after him. honestly, i do fear this a little, and hope it doesn't happen.

but it still bothers me that this question has been painted in such harsh ethical terms - as though any woman with morals would avert her eyes when walking past any "taken" man, and have nothing but the sparsest, professional relationship with a man who is dating someone else (at least if we had any attraction toward the man). we live in a free, nonfundamentalist society, and i value this. i value that we as women can make our own choices, and that men are asked to be responsible for their own actions - that they are not able to blame the wiles of wicked women for their shortcomings. i don't want another woman who is attracted to my bf to creep into his life, but i just can't control that. i hope that my bf would be aware and ethical enough himself to do what's best for us in that situation.

i don't think it would be the best thing to ask this guy out, but i wish we wouldn't act like it's so horrible to think about it. this guy is the one in the relationship, so i would say that the bulk of the ethical dilemma falls on him, were the OP to ask him out. if he values his relationship *he* should be the one to decide where to draw the line, inform the OP of his relationship, and talk to his own gf about whether he could go out to lunch with a female co-worker.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 2:14am

Nobody's saying he's not responsible for his own actions (or at least, I'm sure not)--but as he is responsible, so is anyone in the OP's situation responsible for her own actions and for making ethical choices. And her asking him out, knowing he has a GF and knowing that she is interested in him romantically, is clearly wrong. The fact that he would have responsibility for his own actions doesn't absolve her of responsibility for hers.

I think ethical people know very well where the line is in interaction with co-workers who are involved, and it doesn't involve any averting of eyes. That's just silly. But it also doesn't involve asking them out, especially if you find yourself attracted to them.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 12:00pm
Your co-worker is dating this girl, he's not married to her. If he doesnt want to go out because of his obligation to his girlfriend, then he'll say no. Maybe you too would end up just being friends. Nothing wrong with a man having friends, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 4:04pm

Hello Katie1106,

I've lurked for years but today is my first post! It is dangerous to ask out a fellow with a gf. However, co-workers who do not know him well may be mistaken. Most likely he has a gf and is off limits. However, there is a possibility co-workers have mistaken a female friend, relationship that lasted a week, friend-with-benefit or female partner in an open relationship as a current gf. Also, some relationships are just "until something better comes along" for both parties. These relationships are sometimes considered or mistaken as bf/gf types. I think Phatgenes made some relevent and insightful comments about that.

After I broke up with a bf, we remained best friends(nothing sexual nor any desire of reuniting) for years. Once a kindly stranger approached us in a restaurant to tell us what a loving couple we seemed like and how inspiring it was! Awkward! Appearances can be deceiving. I was dating other men who were fine with my friendship but he had a difficult time with ladies as they always assumed his best friend (me) was in truth a gf. I am not sure why. One insisted on meeting me to make sure things were as they seemed.

Of course, the likliest scenario is he has a gf. Once again, while I do stress it is unwise to ask out a man who has a gf, there is nothing wrong with ensuring the relationship status of the man you are interested in first. Whether he may be interested in you is not relevent until you know he is available. You can find out by continuing to have casual conversations with him. People in relationships often bring up their significant other in the course of normal small talk about their daily activities. You can always be bold and ask him outright or mention the gf off-handedly in your small talk and see if his response confirms or rejects her existence. This strategy is more conservative than directly asking a man on a date or trying to become a friend but having ulterior motives.




Edited 3/17/2007 4:07 pm ET by cthuludawn

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