Is he in it just for the sex? The age old question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012
Is he in it just for the sex? The age old question.
18
Sat, 07-13-2013 - 7:36pm

Hey everyone, I apologize if this might come across like a ramble. But if you read this and have any thoughts/comments, feel free to share. Most of my friends are guys, so I can't discuss these kinds of things too much with them. Anyway, here's a little background on me: In my last relationship, I was immediately smitten when I first laid eyes on him - and after speaking to him, I knew he was special and that I wanted to know more about him and be with him. We got along great. We were together for a year. We were one of those couples who were always together. But there was no "animalistic passion" in the relationship. We were more like friends - we were that comfortable with each other. After a year of being together, he dumped me saying I was more like a friend to him than anything else. 

I'm a little insecure from my experience with my ex. Even though there was no raw passion there, I wanted to be with him and never wanted to be with anyone else as sex was never an issue for us - at least not as far as I was aware - we've always tried different things in bed. Anyway, that's digressing from the point - it's been several months since the break up and I'm dating again. I've sort of had a kind of self realization over the past few months. I have a very goofy sarcastic humor - and I can easily joke around with someone who I've just met and make them feel at east with me. But I think this make them see me as more of a friend than a potential partner. I'm not saying I want to change, but I want a man to make me feel like I'm beautiful - and I think my over sarcastic and the ease with which I make guys feel comfortable around me, means they won't put any effort into treating me like a woman.... because they have no need to put that effort. I might be wrong, but that's how I feel right now. I'm not saying I want to be spoilt by a man... but an occasional flower would be nice. My ex never bought me flowers. I've actually never received flowers or that sort of gestures from anyone I've dated. I never minded. I'm not the super girly girly type. But looking back, that sort of treatment would definitely be nice once in a while....

Which brings us to the new guy I've been seeing. We've gone on 3 dates so far. I know he's attracted to me... and he has made it fairly clear he finds me beautiful. It's so nice to hear it from someone. My ex called me beautiful maybe once during our entire relationship even though I was very verbal with my affection for him. I'm attracted to this new guy as well. On the first date, he made a comment about one of the pics I had on my dating profile, and he implied I was naked in the pic (even though I had lots of clothes on in that pic). I flipped out on him and asked him what his intentions were and told him I'm not looking to get laid and that's not why I created an online profile. I was obviously a little too sensitive... he apologized about the comment and seemed genuinely embarrassed/sorry. So I decided to go out with him again. We've been on 2 dates since then. Things are going ok, but I feel like we don't have much in common at all.... and during our dates, I find that I'm the one leading the conversation. Which is a little bit of a turn off to me as I find it implies he's not super interested in KNOWING more about me. And sometimes during mid conversation, he would just go in and  kiss me and tell me he just had to do it. But at the end of the dates, even though I was the one keeping the conversation going during the date, he always says he has a great time with me, can't wait to see me, etc etc. This weekend he was away and he texted me late night and said the only thing he can think about is me (I figured it was booze talking and he was feeling horny). I'm definitely interested in getting to know more about him - and the main reason is because someone I'm attracted to is treating me like a woman (which I'm not even sure is a great reason to keep going out with him - but the woman in me is loving the attention - and he seems sweet - and I love it that he's not treating me like his gal pal)..... but how do I know he's not just in it for the sex? Am I being too sensitive and over analyzing what his true intentions are? I just don't want to date someone for a year and then find out he saw me as just a "friend" or that he was just in it for the sex. I know there is no definitive answer to this, but how do I "know" he's not just leading me on? Basically I'm just looking for your thoughts - what you think after reading this. I know you'll probably say keep going out with him and find out what he wants... it's just that this is a weird scenario - because I've never gone on 3 dates with someone I had so many doubts about... or maybe the doubts are an indicator that this will go nowhere... ahhh. :)

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Your mistake is " but I want a man to make me feel like I'm beautiful " no man can do that.  Only one person can that is you. 

  It sounds like you want to be wooed.  But let me say that you have a skill many would be very glad to have.  people skills are valuable!  The ability you seem to not respect is a great shame.  What career do you want?  Think moving up the business ladder.

 Boyfriends come and go date lots of men not serially but in the same time frame.  Go out to have a good time not that it will be a romance.  

By the way enjoy sex for sex, not for any other reason.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012

I work in the tech industry and I'm really passionate about it. Work is definitely a big priority in my life and moving up the ladder is something that I am constantly working on.

I know... I should be the one making myself feel beautiful... How do I work on it? In my head I feel beautiful... but somehow I'm surprised and flattered when a guy actually puts it to words. Especially when it's someone I'm interested in.

All these years I've gone out just to have a good time... but somehow after my last relationship I just feel like I've been doing everything wrong... I've been fairly liberal with sex before I met my ex - if I wanted to sleep with someone, I did - I've never analysed the situation before sleeping with someone. I was never sensitive about the topic.... but things just feel different now.... somehow I have this intense fear that if I sleep with someone, I would never be able to find out if they really like me, or if they're just hanging around for the sex... I would've laughed at myself if i heard myself talk like this before... but that's just how I feel right now... so now I have a fear of having sex with someone and a fear that if I appear too easy to talk to, they will lose interest in me. I really need to work on being normal again. *sigh* Sorry for all the rambling. Just trying to bounce my thoughts off at someone :)

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

It seems that in your past relationship, you didn't feel any "animalistic passion" either. Were you happy being more "friends" than "lovers"? Some men are not the romantic gesture type, so him not sending you flowers may have been more because of that.

I'm thinking that perhaps you aren't ready to date again if you are "flipping out" in repsonse to the new guy's comment. I don't exactly understand how he thought you looked naked in the picture if you had clothes on, but I don't know that that is important.  

Three dates isn't very many, especially when you met online. I don't think you can know what someone's intentions are so soon, but I don't think it takes a whole year, either. All you can do is date them to see. But I'm not sure why you want to continue dating him if you feel you don't have much in common and you have to keep the conversation going. Just because he said you were beautiful is no reason to keep going out with someone.

Perhaps your joking and sarcasm is a bit of a defense around men, possibly to cover some insecurities? I don't know if anyone is completely without inseurities, especially when it comes to the opposite sex, but perhaps you just need to "act as if" you are secure and desirable a little bit. As far as feeling beautiful: I think, to a degree, a woman does need to feel beautiful, but to me, that can only go so far. It's sort of like "if a tree fell in the forrest" in that it's great to go around feeling beautiful, but if a man doesn't say it to you, it just isn't the same. It doesn't mean you are pinning all of your self-worth on what a man says, but to me, it means he's attracted to me, and I think that's very important. But then, some men say it because they think it's what you want to hear. 

I heard once that the thing that turns a woman on more than anything is to be desired. I have to agree with that.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999

I hope I don't get too far off course here but being more of a gal pal myself, I want to share a recent observation with you.  Do you dress girly or feminine?  See, I have never been that girl.  While I know that men will go for the more atheletic, low maintenance type like myself I do think the more dainty and feminine a woman is, the more attention she will get AND I think the attention is different.  

I took a wknd trip away with a good girlfriend recently.  Okay, let me just say she is in good shape, she's attractive and is somewhat outgoing/bubbly BUT I think if anyone here saw her they would think, she's cute but not anything special, right?  Well, our first night in town, the bartender sent her a drink.  Our second day there, our waiter paid for her entire lunch, just because he wanted to, and then he invited her (us) to meet him out later on that same evening.  We would be running mundane errands and I'd catch guys checking her out or smiling at her.  

The thing is, she wore a dress every day we were there except for one (when we were trekking through the mountains).  She accessorized, wore heels and her nails were done . . . she looked feminine.  I really think that guys are drawn to femininity.  I obviously don't know you so I may have read into the gal pal/lots of male friends comment but thought I would share.  I don't even really know why I shared it because if that isn't who you are (girly) then you wouldn't want to misrepresent yourself.  I am quite plain, admittedly, with the girly accoutrements myself.  No nails, rarely even polish, minimal make-up, low maintenance hair, rarely wear a dress/heels.  I just have a theory that guys are quicker to dote on, or be more romantic towards the frillier, girlier girls if that makes any sense at all.  Of course, I could be wrong.  Sorry for rambling, too much java :)

Try not to let that other past relationship affect you.  We aren't all going to date people and have every one of them love us as we love them.  It sucks but just because they don't mirror our feelings doesn't mean that something is wrong with us.  It just means we weren't quite their cup of tea.  Think back to a situation where the shoe was on the other foot, and you were not as interested in someone as much as they were interested in you.  It happens.  No big deal.  Next ;)

I don't know with your current guy.  You know the saying, you don't know 'till you try?  I think you're going to have to stick with it a little longer before you can determine his intentions or whether or not he is a good fit for you, unfortunately.  Good luck though!  Come back and let us know how it goes ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think you are trying to convince yourself that this guy is for you just because he is saying that you're beautiful and you think he's attracted to you.  I think if you had met the right guy that you wouldn't feel that you had nothing in common and that you had to come up with all the topics of conversation--things would flow more naturally, at least after the 1st date where you are still getting to know each other.  Personally I don't think that the fact that you use sarcastic humor and people are comfortable with you has anything to do with you not having a BF.  I tend to be like that--I've been married twice and I can tell you that w/ both exes, we did a lot of joking around.  If a guy is attracted to you, he's not going to be turned off just because you joke.

From the fact that you over reacted so much to his comment about your picture, I think you really haven't gotten over the rejection from your ex yet & you're really not ready to date.  What you are looking for is assurance that you aren't going to get rejected again--and it's just impossible to know.  I can tell you that a guy isn't going to date a woman for a year just to get sex--there are plenty of opportunities around for men to get casual sex if that's what they want.  Why would they go through everything involved in dating, spending money, spending time with you, probably meeting your family & friends, just to have sex--it's unlikely.  Unless your ex was a total jerk, and it doesn't sound like he was, he probably started off with good intentions and just realized over time that you weren't the one for him--it happens and you just have to deal with it.

Your situation kind of reminds me of a guy I met on line maybe 2 yrs ago--I got divorced 5 yrs ago and the dating scene has been very sparse.  So I met this guy on line, he was nice, he had a good job, was ok looking and I just tried to convince myself that I could like him--he wasn't that into me, so I didn't even have that, but it was basically like hey, I've got nothing better right now, so might as well hang onto this guy.  We went out on 3 dates & then he never called again.  But now looking back on it, he was nothing special.  I was just tired of being single so figured I'd hang out with him.  So I'd say unless you really feel like you could have something going on with this guy, don't date him just because he seems to be attracted to you--it's really not enough.

I have more to say about what you wrote later, but I have to look at that...

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001

It doesn't sound like he just wants sex. Guys who just want sex don't actually take you out. They text late at night or ask to "hang out" knowing it doesn't take much effort on their part. If you really are concerned, just wait a couple of months to sleep with him if you decide you want to. As for feeling beautiful, yes- we can tell ourselves all day long that we're hot, but hearing that a guy thinks so is even better. We do want to be desired. Most men just don't get that these days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

OH yes, this is it:

 somehow I have this intense fear that if I sleep with someone, I would never be able to find out if they really like me, or if they're just hanging around for the sex... I would've laughed at myself if i heard myself talk like this before... but that's just how I feel right now... so now I have a fear of having sex with someone and a fear that if I appear too easy to talk to, they will lose interest in me. I really need to work on being normal again.

If you read the Steve Harvey book Talk Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, he says to wait 90 days before you have sex with a guy.  I don't think I could actually do this if I was attracted to someone and I don't necessarily agree with him that it's necessary, but one way to weed out men who are primarily interested in sex is not to sleep with the guy until you get to know him really well--if he's willing to hang around for that long with no sex, then he's obviously interested in you as a person and in having a relationship.  A guy who just wants casual sex isn't going to be bothered to wait that long.

I have never heard that a guy would reject a woman because she's easy to talk to--I mean you wouldn't think that a man would want a woman who is difficult to talk to, would you?  I think you are really worried about being in the "friend zone" so I'd also recommend the book Why Men Love B-tches.  The title is misleading because it doesn't mean being mean to guys--it does mean respecting yourself and not being a doormat--I think many women who want a relationship are willing to do all the work and let the guy off way too easy, like the guys who call at 11:00 at night on a Friday and want you to "come over" to their place--yeah, what do you think that's about?  Or I hear these young women on the boards where the guy doesn't even take them on dates--it's "come over to my place and let's watch a movie."  I suppose they are lucky if they order pizza.  You have to have some standards of behavior and not put up with anything just to get a date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You have answers here that touch on a lot of things.....and I agree with most of them.  If you have a lot of "guy" friends, then you see yourself as "one of the boys".......NOT as a beautiful woman that any man would be lucky to have!  And why can't you talk to them?.....they would be able to tell you more than strangers what you're doing wrong, and how to change yourself.  As someone else commented, no man can make you feel beautiful and sexy and whatever else you need.....you are the only one who can do that for yourself.  And if you FEEL beautiful you will project beautiful!  You say you think you are, but you don't really believe it, because if you did, you wouldn't need verification from anyone.  And by beautiful, I don't mean "hot and sexy"......even very plain girls can be beautiful to the right person.  Look at happy couples you know.  One or the other is probably not the most handsome/beautiful person in the world, but to their partner, they're gorgeous! 

Now this guy has taken you on 3 dates.....and you don't know him after 3 dates, nor does he know you......and personally I would be very suspecting of a guy who came on so strong with the compliments.  And you don't see anything that you have in common with him...but you're in love with the compliments!  That's not a reason to keep dating someone.  And the test of "are they in it just for the sex" will come soon enough if they don't get it.  I don't get why women think they have to do it on the first few dates to "hold a man"......if a man is really interested, he will wait, and wait a long time if he has to.  If you don't do it, you'll find out soon enough if that's what he's looking for, and if the subject comes up, tell him that it's not going to happen for at least 3-4 months.  You'll get a good idea then what's on his mind.  You have to be true to yourself, no one else.  If you don't "feel it" with this guy, then it has nothing to do with sex or not sex, it's time to move on.  And it's time to work on your own self esteem.  Decent men who are looking for a good woman don't want a woman that they have to constantly reassure.  They want a happy well adjusted woman that they can be happy WITH.......they don't want the job of MAKING a woman happy, they look for a happy contented woman!  Talk to the guys for a starter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think self confidence comes across a lot--I've met this woman at dances and it seems that everyone who goes to these dances knows her.  She's over 50, Russian, kind of chubby--she's not a gorgous woman, but she just has this attitude of "I am something special" not in an obnoxious way.  She is very friendly to the women.  But she'll go up to men & ask them to dance and they will all dance with her--she's a very good dancer too, so maybe that's why, but I can't see her spending a lot of time worrying if the men will reject her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012
Cfk_3 - What you said does strike a chord with me. I've had super short hair (as short as Halle Berry) for quite a few years now. All the guys I've dated had told me they loved it (which doesn't say much about my femininity because I ended up dating a gay guy once and he ended up cheating on me with other men - now you know why I have so many insecurities with guys). But the general consensus among my STRAIGHT guy friends has always been to grow it out... but I kept it short because I liked it that way - and I've always been really confident. The only times I would get "dolled up" was if I was going out on the weekends. I've actually started growing my hair out out since my last relationship. I wouldn't say it was *because* of the break up - I've just gone through a lot of changes since then and I've been embracing my feminine side a lot more lately - long hair, makeup, heels and all that.... and I've been noticing that more guys notice me now..... I know people say you should dress for yourself and not for others... but I won't deny I'm loving the attention.

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