He is suddenly distant...What HAPPENED?!
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He is suddenly distant...What HAPPENED?!
| Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:28am |
Hey everyone! I posted on here not too long ago about how I was dating a guy who wasn't sure about how he felt about my having a child. And then I updated that he was accepting of it, and said it no longer bothered him. He said he still wanted to move slow, however, because he didn't want to get "bored" of eachother by seeing eachother too much. We agreed on a TWICE a week schedule of seeing one another. Once during the week and every Friday night. It seemed to work for us well for a couple weeks!
Since we decided on that schedule, and since he had decided that he was comfortable with my having a child, he was very attentive and loving when we were together. He had even started calling/texting a LITTLE more....and when we were together, he would ask about meeting my son...saying that he would like to, etc. and how I felt about it. I told him that he can meet him soon if he'd like. I felt at this point that we were moving toward "exclusivity"...he would always talk about "how much we have in common" and just generally seemed very interested! Me, on the other hand, I was trying to play it "cool" this whole time....I did not ONCE bring up "where the realationship is going" talk or ANYTHING...NO pressure from me at all. And I even told him on one of the nights that we had planned to see eachother, that I might have to work. I also told him that I had plans with friends the night before that, so we couldn't see eacother then, either. He asked if I was hanging out with a group of girls, or what. I told him girls and a few guys, also, just friends. I was just trying to show him that I have a life, and maybe trying to make him a LITTLE jealous, and perhaps want to move towards being exclusive. Anyway, basically I just wasn't available at the drop of a hat, and when he called or texted, sometimes I wouldn't call or text him back for a couple hours. Just busy with work and stuff.
He did ask me if I even "wanted" to see him, because he said I never told him that and that "it would be nice to hear it sometimes"...which made me feel guilty...because I am not the most forward woman in that department. I told him that of course I wanted to see him, very much. I hope this eased his mind a bit in this department. It was clear though that he wanted me to be more vocally demonstrative.
Anyway, so things were moving along nicely (by the way, we have been together almost 2 months now!) these last couple of weeks...and I definitely felt that I had the upper hand and that he liked me MORE than I liked him, so I felt comfortable.
Last week, when we saw eachother, we just hung out at his house. Thursday night we did because there was nothing else going on, so we just watched TV, talked and hung out. Friday night we did because I was hanging out with family that was in town until 10 PM, so it was really too late to do much of anything else. So we sat outside on his porch, drank some wine, and talked. I thought it was really romantic! He seemed to enjoy it too!
Anyway, after Friday night, something must have gone "wrong" in his head, or something I did on Friday night must have turned him off or something (can't think of what!) because things were WAY awkward after that. He did text message me the next morning, asking if I made him home okay the night before, and I said "yes, and I had a great time last night!" and he just wrote back "Me too." and then changed the subject. We really didn't talk much on text after that. And he never called. Which isn't really that unusual, because sometimes we will text last on sat or sunday night and then he will end up calling and making contact for the first time after that on Tuesday night.
So, last night was Tuesday night and he didn't end up calling. It was 9 PM, so I just decided to text message him, saying "whats up?" and he wrote back "just chilling, what are you up to?" and I wrote back "just relaxing at home"....basically the convo went on for a little while and I will post the rest following-
Him- "yeah, I'm doing the same boring stuff"
Me- "so how have you been the last couple days? work?"
him-works been slow, which is fine. ready for the weekend, it will be a four day weekend for me!"
me- I bet you're excited!
him- haha, I guess so, but I know it will fly by
me-You miss me? (my moment of weakness and insecurity started here!)
him- I don't know...You miss me?
me-you don't know? yeah, i miss you
him- I miss you...Friday?
me- so we're not seeing eachother this week before friday?
him- Ummm, we can. Did you have something in mind?
me- well its okay fir you dont want to..i just thought we would because we have been the last couple weeks
him- I don't know. I just kind of don't want to hang out at my house
me- well, you know there are other places we can go! :)
him- maybe YOU should call me and invite me to one of those places
me- haha you think i should call you more? would you like it?
him- well i dont think you should call me less!
me- haha well i dont like to seem too forward in the beginning so thats why i really dont call! but i will if you want me to..when do you want to hang out?
him- whenever, but when do you work this week? weekend?
me- thurs sat and sunday, so i guess that leaves tomorrow and friday
him- maybe tomorrow, but do you want to hang out for sure on friday?
me- why? yea i do, if you do
him- No...I mean ya. Anyways, I was just asking you, quit over-analyzing everything. God
me- Geez! Sorrry, I'm in a really weird mood tonight (YES, very insecure)
He didn't respond, so I wrote back
me- So I'm gonna go to bed...Tomorrow?
him- Can I see how I feel and text you or call you after work?
me- (at this point I felt like complete crap, and wanted to text back or call him IMMEDIATELY, wanting reassurance, asking questions like "feel about what?!?!?" etc. But I FORCED myself literally to play it cool) so I wrote back-
"of course! Have a good day tomorrow
him- Thanks sexy
THE END
Okay, honestly, after that conversation, I did not sleep much at ALL last night. The "Thanks sexy" line at the end was the ONLY thing/HOPE I had to hold onto! What in the world does he mean by "see how he feels" about seeing me tonight?? It makes me really nervous! I dont want to see too needy or forward, and I think I've done a pretty good job of it up till this point, but now I am feeling VERY insecure. Any advice??? If we do end up seeing eachother tonight, how should I act/behave? I know I will still feel insecure and desire validation and probably even bring up our relationship status and question him.
AND if he DOESN'T call or text me at all, I will definitely assume that the relationship is OVER for him!!
What changed? Did I do something wrong? Do you all think he might be just trying to play a "game" because he thought I was playing a "game" all the last couple weeks when I wasn't very "available"??
Is he NOT interested anymore, or what? I am going to go insane till he gets off work tonight! HELP please
Thanks in advance!
Since we decided on that schedule, and since he had decided that he was comfortable with my having a child, he was very attentive and loving when we were together. He had even started calling/texting a LITTLE more....and when we were together, he would ask about meeting my son...saying that he would like to, etc. and how I felt about it. I told him that he can meet him soon if he'd like. I felt at this point that we were moving toward "exclusivity"...he would always talk about "how much we have in common" and just generally seemed very interested! Me, on the other hand, I was trying to play it "cool" this whole time....I did not ONCE bring up "where the realationship is going" talk or ANYTHING...NO pressure from me at all. And I even told him on one of the nights that we had planned to see eachother, that I might have to work. I also told him that I had plans with friends the night before that, so we couldn't see eacother then, either. He asked if I was hanging out with a group of girls, or what. I told him girls and a few guys, also, just friends. I was just trying to show him that I have a life, and maybe trying to make him a LITTLE jealous, and perhaps want to move towards being exclusive. Anyway, basically I just wasn't available at the drop of a hat, and when he called or texted, sometimes I wouldn't call or text him back for a couple hours. Just busy with work and stuff.
He did ask me if I even "wanted" to see him, because he said I never told him that and that "it would be nice to hear it sometimes"...which made me feel guilty...because I am not the most forward woman in that department. I told him that of course I wanted to see him, very much. I hope this eased his mind a bit in this department. It was clear though that he wanted me to be more vocally demonstrative.
Anyway, so things were moving along nicely (by the way, we have been together almost 2 months now!) these last couple of weeks...and I definitely felt that I had the upper hand and that he liked me MORE than I liked him, so I felt comfortable.
Last week, when we saw eachother, we just hung out at his house. Thursday night we did because there was nothing else going on, so we just watched TV, talked and hung out. Friday night we did because I was hanging out with family that was in town until 10 PM, so it was really too late to do much of anything else. So we sat outside on his porch, drank some wine, and talked. I thought it was really romantic! He seemed to enjoy it too!
Anyway, after Friday night, something must have gone "wrong" in his head, or something I did on Friday night must have turned him off or something (can't think of what!) because things were WAY awkward after that. He did text message me the next morning, asking if I made him home okay the night before, and I said "yes, and I had a great time last night!" and he just wrote back "Me too." and then changed the subject. We really didn't talk much on text after that. And he never called. Which isn't really that unusual, because sometimes we will text last on sat or sunday night and then he will end up calling and making contact for the first time after that on Tuesday night.
So, last night was Tuesday night and he didn't end up calling. It was 9 PM, so I just decided to text message him, saying "whats up?" and he wrote back "just chilling, what are you up to?" and I wrote back "just relaxing at home"....basically the convo went on for a little while and I will post the rest following-
Him- "yeah, I'm doing the same boring stuff"
Me- "so how have you been the last couple days? work?"
him-works been slow, which is fine. ready for the weekend, it will be a four day weekend for me!"
me- I bet you're excited!
him- haha, I guess so, but I know it will fly by
me-You miss me? (my moment of weakness and insecurity started here!)
him- I don't know...You miss me?
me-you don't know? yeah, i miss you
him- I miss you...Friday?
me- so we're not seeing eachother this week before friday?
him- Ummm, we can. Did you have something in mind?
me- well its okay fir you dont want to..i just thought we would because we have been the last couple weeks
him- I don't know. I just kind of don't want to hang out at my house
me- well, you know there are other places we can go! :)
him- maybe YOU should call me and invite me to one of those places
me- haha you think i should call you more? would you like it?
him- well i dont think you should call me less!
me- haha well i dont like to seem too forward in the beginning so thats why i really dont call! but i will if you want me to..when do you want to hang out?
him- whenever, but when do you work this week? weekend?
me- thurs sat and sunday, so i guess that leaves tomorrow and friday
him- maybe tomorrow, but do you want to hang out for sure on friday?
me- why? yea i do, if you do
him- No...I mean ya. Anyways, I was just asking you, quit over-analyzing everything. God
me- Geez! Sorrry, I'm in a really weird mood tonight (YES, very insecure)
He didn't respond, so I wrote back
me- So I'm gonna go to bed...Tomorrow?
him- Can I see how I feel and text you or call you after work?
me- (at this point I felt like complete crap, and wanted to text back or call him IMMEDIATELY, wanting reassurance, asking questions like "feel about what?!?!?" etc. But I FORCED myself literally to play it cool) so I wrote back-
"of course! Have a good day tomorrow
him- Thanks sexy
THE END
Okay, honestly, after that conversation, I did not sleep much at ALL last night. The "Thanks sexy" line at the end was the ONLY thing/HOPE I had to hold onto! What in the world does he mean by "see how he feels" about seeing me tonight?? It makes me really nervous! I dont want to see too needy or forward, and I think I've done a pretty good job of it up till this point, but now I am feeling VERY insecure. Any advice??? If we do end up seeing eachother tonight, how should I act/behave? I know I will still feel insecure and desire validation and probably even bring up our relationship status and question him.
AND if he DOESN'T call or text me at all, I will definitely assume that the relationship is OVER for him!!
What changed? Did I do something wrong? Do you all think he might be just trying to play a "game" because he thought I was playing a "game" all the last couple weeks when I wasn't very "available"??
Is he NOT interested anymore, or what? I am going to go insane till he gets off work tonight! HELP please
Thanks in advance!

There is a book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman which talks about how each of us "hears" love in different ways, e.g. touch, words, deed, etc. It sounds like your boyfriend really likes to HEAR and wants you to take the initiative to call him. My take is that if both people like each other then worrying about being forward is a waste of energy. I see relationships as a mutual thing where if I think of my girlfriend and want to talk to her then I call/email and expect the same from her. No games or analyzing about should I or shouldn't I? That is what an adult relationship is all about to me.
For any relationship, I advocate direct communication. If there is something "off" about it then talk about it with your partner. Second guessing with yourself or people here on iVillage is not as useful as actually directly addressing your concerns with your boyfriend.
BTW insofar as introducing someone to your child, common therapeutic wisdom recommends you not do that for if the relationship goes bust then the child experiences yet-another man disappearing in his or her life. They say it takes about a year is when a relationship either solidifies or not.
Mark
Oh lord....you need to calm down! :)
Honestly, I've been the same way you are right now, but I had to have myself kicked out of it quite a few times by the guy I was last seeing...I once accused him of not wanting to see me and he insisted that it wasn't like that at all, and I believe him now (we're not dating, but we still keep in touch). Once he told me if anything he said ever seemed rude or negative at first glance, to try to turn it around and think of it in another way because he's not a negative person. I mean, EVERYTHING flipped me out, I was constantly overanalyzing. However, even through THAT he stuck around, so if a guy is really interested in you, HE'LL TALK TO YOU, and make it obvious that he wants to, or if he doesn't. I don't see this as distant at all and it bothers me that you're losing sleep over it. I do text guys I'm dating a lot, but the fatal flaw in texting or IMing or anything is that you can't tell a person's mood. After a particularly bad day at work last summer, the guy in question asked if we could move our plans to another day and I (unfairly) got short with him and asked him why not that day. It ended up that he was actually not feeling well and just wasn't up to going out that night, which in the end made me feel like a complete ass.
Anyway, the point is, overanalyzing will do NOTHING for you, and I know it's easier said than done to just NOT do it, but try to get it out of your system (posting an entire text conversation is the pinnacle of overanalysis...there are no hidden messages in there anywhere...I'm not trying to be mean, honestly, just trying to help, because I know how it is to be anxious all the time) and relax. This guy very obviously likes you, maybe he just doesn't feel like going out tomorrow or thinks he may have plans with co-workers or friends or whatnot...one-day notice plans isn't much time, so he might have something else going on that he doesn't want to divulge in a one-line text message. I think the entire conversation sounds normal, apart from your overanalysis and him telling you to stop overanalyzing, haha. :)
I know it's hard (TRUST me, I do), but try to relax and enjoy the ride!
Last night, he DID end up calling me, thankfully! I went over to his house and then we went straight from there to just walk around a strip mall and walk in some of the shops and just look around a bit. We did this for about an hour or so...and we also went up to his work and he showed me his office and his cubible and everything. It was fun, I thought. After all this, it was about 9 PM, so we just went back to his place and watched some TV. I told him that I had fun, that walking around and talking and stuff was fun for me, and he looked away and said that it was "better"....So it didn't really sound like he had much fun...and I am NOT trying to overanalyze what he said here..but it honestly didn't sound like he had THAT much fun...when I had lots of fun...simple things are fun for me...just hanging out with him is fun for me....
Anyway, he said that he just didn't want to sit around his house anymore, that he wanted to do other things. I told him I agreed. I hope hes not getting bored with ME.
On the drive home last night with him, he let me drive his new car (I was nervous, but it was fun!) ...he had been wanting me to drive it a few weeks ago, but I had always been too nervous...it has lots of technical gadgets in it that I'm not used to! LOL
When we were driving, I started being vulnerable (and actually letting my TRUE personality come out! Being emotionally intimate, I guess) and talking about my insecurities...and our convo turned to the texts the night before, and he said that it seemed to be unlike me, that the messages he got from me seemed a bit insecure, which is unusual for me. I told him I was in a strange mood that night. (I'm glad that he thinks I'm normally confident-- although I'm really NOT!) He then said he thought it was weird when I asked him if he missed me- and he smiled/laughed and said that he made ME say that I missed him first. Basically, I was being very vulnerable and we started talking about when people say "i love you" first in relationships, and how high school relationships always seem to progress unnaturally fast, etc., and that we were glad we were older (23) now. Basically, I told him that I have never told a guy that "i love you" first, because I admitted that I am afraid of rejection. He goes "ohh so it all comes out now!" (my insecurities) kind of in a teasing way, and I said "yeah, I guess everyone has their own insecurites..." and he said "yeah I have about 30 or 40 of those myself" and I asked him what they were, trying to connect, as I had just shared of MYSELF, and he said "i'm not gonna tell you those!" and i asked "why not?" and he said "its too early in our relationship for that" and then we were silent for pretty much the entire rest of the ride home.
THAT bothered me. I opened up to him, and he did not want to connect himself. I felt a WALL there...and that makes me think that he doesn't want a relationship with me. Am I correct to think this? Is he keeping himself emotionally distant from me on purpose? He is not the MOST demonstrative man either (never has been, with me at least) and hardly ever tries to hold my hand or touch me physically either. I mean, he does sometimes, of course (and NOT just for sex, b/c he often does it after sex, too, and at other times unrelated to sex) He is just NOT as physically affectionate as other men I've been with before. It honestly just feels like he is HOLDING something back. Am I right to think this way, or am I just being overly- paranoid?
Because, truly, I don't really know WHAT a healthy early relationship is supposed to be like. My only TWO other serious relationships started off in whirlwinds, and both men were all over me, unnaturally so, almost to obsession. I loved all the attention, but I knew that those were unhealthy relationships.
How would I know if he is truly interested in me in a HEALTHY way? Because all I've known is obsessive love, and I want to know if his interest is really HEALTHY, or just distant (as it seems)?? I honestly am VERY interested in this guy, as he is confident and successful, sweet and smart, and all the things I like in a man (except not as OPEN as I'd like...but could this come with time??) and don't want to screw things up anymore! I want to be MYSELF without all the game playing! I feel like I can't relax! And when I DO, and try to open up emotionally, he shuts down. WTH??
I've also heard that a man falls in love with a woman almost immediately, but doesn't let her know at first. Is this true? Because, if so, he definitely does not seem to be "in love" with me at all!! How long can it take for a man to feel that way?
I just think that he is emotionally DISTANT with me in some way...but not everytime we're together I feel this way...sometimes he is very open and affectionate. other times, more rigid and distant. What is up with this?
I just don't feel that he is very interested in me, really. But then again, I am comparing HIM to my past, unhealthy relationships. How do HEALTHY men behave when interested in a woman? Can they be distant? Last week he wasn't very distant-- this week he is very distant though!
Friday night we have dinner plans (he suggested) and then I'm coming up with what we should do after that ..Any ideas?
I am going to try to be myself, no games, not fake...and hopefully we can have an honest convo..but i dont want to bring up our relationship and freak him out or anything, by asking prematurely. I just don't know how to be MYSELF, and share myself, without opening up TOO much, like I did last night (and he shut down)...HELP!
Thanks so much in advance!!
I STILL don't think he's being distant, and I'm only going to reiterate what I said before because I've BEEN there...let things unfold the way they will. To me, it's blindingly obvious that this guy likes you as you are (it seems like you're to the point where one stupid little slip isn't going to suddenly make him hate you). I hate to dwell on the fact that you have a child, but honestly, I don't blame him for being cautious and scared and most 23 year olds I know (I'm about your age) WOULDN'T date someone with a child (there's nothing wrong with it, it's just a lot of responsibility for some guys that can hardly take care of themselves, haha :) ). The fact that it scares him so much but he's still showinginterest and going out with you and having fun says a LOT to me. If you make one mistake or reveal one insecurity...big deal! Isn't it true that when you really like someone, their little quirks and insecurities only make them more appealing, that they're endearing rather than a turn-off?
In relation specifically to this situation, I think you're imagining some emotional distance that's just not there. Everyone else has agreed that he DOESN'T seem distant. As for revealing his insecurities, sure, you did open up a little and reveal one, but only in the context of the conversation you were already having. If someone I'd been seeing for a few months (if I remember correctly) asked me point-blank what my insecurities were, I'd laugh at him! :) I wouldn't be offended, but I also wouldn't pour my heart out and reveal every negative thought I've ever had about myself. Add to that that guys are typically more private about that sort of thing, and I would have been shocked if he DID answer you!
If all you've had are fast-paced, whirlwind relationships before and they've all been unhealthy, just embrace the slow pace of this one. You really haven't been dating for long AT ALL, so I see it as quite normal. Not every dating experience has to be the same. I can understand why you'd worry if every other relationship's been different for you, but I don't think you need to worry at all, honestly. I only wish I could be in your position with a guy I really liked. Honestly. Consider youself lucky, so far so good!