He wants to get me pregnant

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2014
He wants to get me pregnant
17
Sat, 08-23-2014 - 6:25pm

I've known him since February.  We technically did not start dating until June.  We started having sex this month and have had sex about 4 different times.  We are both divorced, 35+, he has 3 sons.  His oldest son from when he was 17 and his last 2 sons are from his previous marriage.  Why does it seem like condoms are always a battle with most men.  They either don't want to wear them or sometimes you have to check, check, and re-check to make sure they don't take them off.  

The first time we had sex I had nearly put the condom on him myself.  He kept trying to say he'd pull out.  I don't believe in the pull out method.  Last weekend, we took our first trip together to the beach.  We have a high amount of chemistry and I extremely turned on by him.  We had sex the night before, he used a condom and I watched him put it on.  Afterwards, we fell asleep. Early that morning, I woke up to him putting himself inside me.  I didn't realize he hadn't put a condom on until I started to notice him about to climax and asked if he put a condom on and told him to pull out.  He didn't pull out.  

I don't have any kids and although I have always contemplated having kids.  It is way too premature for he and I have to be bringing a child into this world.  I asked him why he'd just do that and he said he loved me and wanted a future with me.  I want a future with him too, but I don't want to start out things out by him being a baby father.  He said he wants to work towards marriage, but my thing is why not get married first and then have a baby.  Now I'm scared to have sex with him, because I will have to force him to wear a condom or watch him to make sure he doesn't try to do a repeat of last weekend.  

He keeps talking about how we would have a beautiful baby.  A baby can't be put back once it's made.  I couldn't figure out how many days (some sites say 10-15 days and some say 12-17 days) it was after my period to ensure I wasn't approaching my fertility window, but now I'm not even sure since my period was a bit off last time.  I care about him, but now sex with him makes me worry that each time I'll have to think about him intentionally getting me pregnant.  I'm not on the pill as they make me nauseous.  The crazy part is that because I am 35+ and so is he, my mom is like "go ahead and get pregnant, you're not getting any younger".  No, I'm not young, but at the same time I don't want to just bring a baby into the world with this man and not be completely sure about the future.  I apologize if I have posted this in the wrong forum, but I am not sure where to post this.  

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 08-23-2014 - 7:49pm
He's absolutely not showing any respect for you or your body. I completely understand wanting to be married first. I'm 37 and have wanted babies for a long time now. I still don't want to get pregnant with someone I'm not married to. My guess is that he thinks it won't happen- that it's a long shot anyway and he's not nearly as worried as you are given you'd be the one getting pregnant. The bottom line is that if he doesn't respect you now, he's not going to later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 08-23-2014 - 7:53pm

There are other forms of birth control besides the Pill. You need to get to your gyno or to Planned Parenthood asap. In the meantime don't have sex with him until YOU are protected, or get some over the counter spermicide to use in addition to the condom that you must insist that he wear. (better to refuse to have sex so he knows how serious you are about this). Did you get any PlanB for last weekend's episode? Are you certain that he is disease free---not just HIV or the "curable" STI's , but herpes and HPV---all of those can be transmitted when not using a condom.

You're right that its way too soon to be starting a family with this man. Unless you are certain that you want a baby and will be fine as a single mom; or you don't mind getting an abortion, you need to be the responsible adult here. Is easy for your mom to say you should get pregnant but will she be supporting you and the child? Since you hardly know him you should wait to know him well before agreeing to have a child with him (even if you decide that you don't need to be married to him) because you would have to co-parent with him for at least 18 years, and have some contact for the rest of your life. The fact that he is so blase about risking pregnancy is a red flag IMO. The fact that he would have unprotected sex without your full consent is another red flag. If you cannot trust him about this, in what other areas is he also not trustworthy? Could he afford to pay child support for a 4th child? Can he be a good father to kids in 3 different families? Be very careful with this guy.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 08-23-2014 - 9:01pm

Red flag...
"Waking up to him putting himself inside me."
~hugs~
<3
This reminded me so much of my now ex-husband...:(...

Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 08-23-2014 - 9:07pm

We have a twenty-four year old son together who lives with me. He walked out on us my daughter and my son...I am a single mom for the past twenty-two years.

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2014
Sat, 08-23-2014 - 9:39pm

@remdamma: When I considered plan B, the pharmacist asked me what time it took place I was past that window of time.  The only other suggestion the pharmacist could make was to get an appointment and get a perscription for the 5 day plan B.  I officially started freaking out on Wednesday when I kept reading information on different sites about ovaluation times.  I am going to schedule an appointment with my gyno.  

I agree it is way too soon.  I am opposed to abortion.  And no, we haven't had anymore sex, because I don't trust him that he won't try to do something to take the condom off.  I don't think some men realize the signifigance of bringing a child into this world and the woman is left to carry most of the weight.  Meanwhile they can up and walk away or not step up to the plate.  I am really freaking out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2014
Sat, 08-23-2014 - 9:42pm

@Nightangel67:  That depresses me that some men can just walk away leaving the woman to handle the responsibility of taking care of the household, the kids, and I've seen it happen first hand as well.  My dad did that.  I've seen it happen to a close g/f of mine where he husband up and decided he didn't want to help raise their 4 kids anymore and walked out.  I am trying to stop freaking out and I'm going to get into my gyno to get seen and asses what's what.  ~Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2014
Sat, 08-23-2014 - 10:09pm

@Shywon: I honestly don't even know, but I know I'm starting to freak out now.  I have talked with him and his reply was that he loves me and wants a future.  I asked him how sensible is that to want a child before marriage, before planning, and before we know one another.  

I agree regarding respect and even though I care about him, I am contemplating ending things with him completely being that I can't trust him.  I don't want to waste time freaking out if I were to ever consider having sex with him again and that he would put me in a vunerable situation like this.  I can't do this.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 08-24-2014 - 12:32am

What kind of foolishness is this?  Get the week after and take it.  This is a way he 'captures" you and make you dependent on him.  Ruthlessnes it the order of the day.  If you yourself can't afford to rasie a child then get several layers of birth control.  do not take the chance to mess up your life.

Never ever allow some one to have power over you. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 08-24-2014 - 10:41am

A friend of mine went to dinner with her girlfriend and the man her friend was trying to set her up with. After dinner, they all went to my friend's house, where the man used the ice machine in the refrigerator. One ice cube fell on the floor. Instead of picking it up, he kicked it under her refrigerator. She never went on a date with him. That small action spoke volumes that he was inconsiderate and lazy and disrespectful of my friend's property.

The action showing your boyfriend's ethics is egregious compared to the above situation. So HE thinks there's a future so it's okay that HE has decided it's okay if you get pregnant? You are nothing to him in the decision making process. He is disregarding your rules to wear a condom by being self centered and sneaky. He is untrustworthy and doesn't care how you feel. He throws caution to the wind by making his own decisions that would change two peoples lives forever, when you've only know each other half a year. Intelligent, mature people get to know a partner a minimum of a couple of years before making major decisions like marriage and having children together. If he's making this decision without you, what other decisions would he make without consulting you in the future? Imagine a future of him saying: I took money out of our joint account to buy a new boat, because we need some fun on the weekends. My sons are living with us full time now, since it's better for them to be with me. I got a dog so my sons can have something to do when they come over.

He's showing you who he is. Is this what you want for your one precious life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2014
Sun, 08-24-2014 - 2:12pm

@xxxs: you have to get a perscription from the doctor and it has to be withing a set time frame, just like the plan b.  I am going to see my gyno.

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