He won't get out of my life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
He won't get out of my life...
9
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 11:46am
Okay so my ex-fiance keeps showing up. It's killing me. I saw him in the accident about a week ago and I guess that was an invitation to call me. I felt bad when I saw the accident and I wanted to make sure he was okay. I kept the no contact rule. I even blocked his number from my phone so he couldn't call me. If he did I would be tempted to pick it up. So last night (I was on a date) he text messaged me to call him. And I replied with a Why? He wrote back saying that he was really depressed over his mother (she passed away recently) and he needed someone to talk to. I waited until the date dropped me off then I called him. He was drunk and half passed out. Then I was just angry. How do you get the one you love out of your life so you can move on? If he keeps this up then I'm never going to be able to move on. I think I just needed to vent. I feel much better now.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 11:53am
Stop playing the victim. You needn't answer the phone, accept invitations or go running to his rescue...that is YOU refusing to move on and keep the no contact rule because a 'carrot' is dangling that you're assuming is attached to him. It's untrue.

He doesn't want a relationship on your terms. Accept that - like it or hate it but accept it.

And then require YOURSELF to live up to YOUR standards, expectations, goals, and requirements - don't expect him not to dangle a carrot for "benefits without obligation."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 1:25pm
If you think he is in a crisis situation, call, deal succintly with the problem and then hang up - crises should not occur where he calls you more than a few times a year so if he cries wolf tell him he abused the privilege.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 4:13pm
Erin,

I'm not playing anything. Especially the victim. It just hurts when you see or hear from someone you care very deeply about. I didn't answer the phone. He sent a text message and I read it. I didn't call him back right away. I waited a few hours until it was appropriate.

And how is being there for someone that has just lost their mother running to their rescue. That is almost cold.

I have been trying very hard to keep no contact. I am trying very hard to move on and live my life for me.

I didn't say that he wanted a relationship either. He needed a friend. We were together for 4 years. We were supposed to get married.

I was hoping that I could voice my aggravation here and have a little support not be berated. Sometimes you need the support of your peers. I felt better after I got it off my chest until I feel that you attacked me. Sometimes it's easier just to be nice.
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 4:23pm
I'll give you a little support! I understand how you feel and I don't think you did anything wrong by calling him back. I agree that it would have been cold to ignore him in such a situation. It sounds like he's used to relying on you for support and doesn't realize that now that your relationship is over, he should go elsewhere for that support. Hopefully he won't need to rely on you too often so you get the time you need to get over him.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 4:41pm

I think Erin's point is that you need to make him realize that by breaking up with you, he no longer gets the benefit of your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 4:51pm
Honey...he doesn't have your needs, your goals, or your best interests in mind when he calls you up "needing a friend, a shoulder to cry on, someone to support him emotionally" knowing that he broke up with you.

Let's outline this a little.....since I'm probably the only person here really going to "tell you how it is."

Feelings aren't facts, goals, calls to actions, opinions (those are THOUGHTS!), or used to determine what to do in situations to get a desired result. Feelings are a result of situations. Situations are created/changed by actions, decisions and words. Feelings are real - but they're not facts to be assessed against goals that you've set. Feelings are what you prioritize as important "at the conclusion" of your quest...not throughout it per se.

Right now, you are sitting here in a state of forlorn sadness. You had a future mapped out - that isn't going to happen. You opened the "packages of your future" and you've found they were nothing but pretty bows and wrapping paper and empty boxes at the core. You're unsure of how to proceed....everything that you've done, things that you've restructured in your life were based on "his promises" (those boxes so prettily wrapped, so enticingly given, and so longingly wished for, and so excitedly anticipated to open).

At some moments you're sitting there reliving the oppportunities, options, and situations that you didn't avail yourself of - that would have been beneficial for you, empowering for you, enlightening for you - because of your obligations, responsibilities, and commitment to him and a life with him. At those moments, you're distraught or you're angry.

See, feelings are a result of situations.

While it is true that what you shared with him was real...it's also just as true that the "reasons" that you shared it are now irrelevant. For someone that you're were not committed to in terms of a future....would you have bypassed those oportunities, would you have sacrificed so much? I doubt it.

See, he's not "that person" anymore. You're not required to give to him because it "benefits you due to the alliance"......you're not required to prioritize his feelings and needs over your own because of yoru commitment to him and his well-being.

He's already ended that obligation - by ending the relationship. It's up to you to end the "beneficial to him" portion of it...that is the part he was never in control of. He was in charge of his commitment to you and your needs..which he ended when he said the relationship is over. And I believe that he likely HAS lived up to his end of the bargain...he hasn't sought you out to assist you primarily while not receiving benefit himself. He hasn't sought to adhere to your requests of no contact because your needs are of value and importance to him.

I realize that the "Barbie Dream House" (not a derogatory term here) that you had built in your mind to inhabit with a mate - has "him" in the barcalounger, and him in the bed with you...but the reality is he'll never be in any of those positions by his own choosing...there is no reason you should allow him to occupy the positions of ease and comfort and benefit such as the barcalounger or bed...unless he's also sweeping out the garage and fixing the plumbing!

I do understand why ou want to comfort him. In any time of sorrow people want to offer assistance and comfort. But, if you are doing it at your own expense (which is what you're doing) please don't blame him for the results. He never promised reprocicity - in fact, he likely never was reciprocating in full throughout the relationship as a whole. He might have even ended it because he saw that one step closer to the alter meant more obligation and responsibility for him because you had more demands, more needs, more requests, and less ease, comfort, and benefit without obligation to him...and he stepped back from that becuase that is not what he wanted.

But, I am prioritzing your feelings to the utmost degree with my posts. I don't want you to continue to be in this pain, this sea of swirling confusion and angst. And in you removing yourself from proximity to him - that's your liferaft that takes you out of it.

Admittedly, you're subject to being pulled into it with the tide and current, if you depend on a liferaft such as "no contact" to get you thru. The liferaft is simply the object that allows you some respite from kicking and thrashing about in the tumultous sea - so that you gain strength, get your bearings for points called "self empowerment, self-actualization, self-awareness" and allows you the ability to gain the strength to start swimming towards those havens. It's the swimming away from him, the identity with him, the expectations regarding him that'll put you closer to safety. Not just clinging to a liferaft called no contact - where you're constantly bumping up against him because the sea is tossing you in his vicinity and you're not swimming for points you define as security and success.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 5:21pm
Thank you. That was a lot easier to chew than the last post. I do agree just sometimes the way words are written can be harsh and cause a defense mechanism.
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 5:41pm
More often is not the way things are written or said...but how they're heard that determine your actions and thus your future.

In a position of near fatality in real life....I heard a statement that was a fact "if you cannot do this, you cannot go solo" tainted with my own self-negativity, my hatred of his actions towards me, and my fear of living life on life's terms...I responded to "what I heard" - which I claimed is what he said. Just as I was going to take a step of fatal proportion, I was given the "gift" of hearing it again in my head but WITHOUT my own emotional upheaval regarding myself, my life, my fears, anger, doubts, and insecurities....and he was stating a fact and nothing more "if I could not learn this skill, I could not participate in this sport solo."

I took that to heart....as a fact. I learned the skill. Which changed how I perceived myself -I went from being inadequate, inferior, incompetent, and insecure - to someone of great merit, and promise, abilities and talents....and that took me towards success, and not ironically it took me away from him.


It's what you hear that counts.....for so often in the last 5 years of defining and creating a great life by my own efforts, means, standards and abilities people have been derogatory or demeaning with their words. However, I removed their inflection, just as I substituted in my own self-awareness and self-responsibility and I found they were often quoting facts that if I would utilize - would take me towards my goals and great success and security. Just as often, people have said things that were relatively innoccuous and irrelevant, and I put them into the bigger picture and scope of life that I try to keep a focus on...and that has changed my destiny as well.

It's what you hear that counts...and fortunately you're in charge of that!

http://www.hullspeed.net/journal/feature_story_v2_i3.html

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 6:46pm

Severing contact will be hard, but you must, must do it!