Heart on my sleeve

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Heart on my sleeve
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 7:11pm

I did something stupid this morning- i called the guy i broke up with 3 weeks ago. My little mantra entered my head ("i don't regret the things i've done, only those i did not do") and i was like "damnit, i'm going to take this risk and see if he wants to meet me for coffee and if he misses me too."

Well, i should have known. My gut told me earlier this week that because i was the one that dumped him, that if i gave him the opportunity he would probably reject me (as an ego thing). And well, i should always listen to my gut.

In fact, today it clicked. I'm tired of taking risks. I'm tired of putting myself out there. From now on, i'll let the man make the first move. With this guy i dated, i totally made the first move. And this guy was the first one I've dated in my new singledom that started this past September.

I'm seriously sick of this. I'm sick of trying to find a good man. I'm done looking. And I know, i have so many people telling me that when i stop looking love will find me. But I don't even want to think that way. I just don't want to have any hopes here.

And honestly I'm happy being single right now. I don't know if I really want some guy around all the time, taking up my space. I'm quite happy and comfortable. And I'm able to make plans with friends and family and not have some guy taking up an evening.

So my heart is a bit crushed today, and I have to be gentle on myself cause i did totally put it on my sleeve when i called him this morning. But I just have this feeling now that this will make me stronger in the long run. I may feel stupid still and totally rejected and ugly, but i know that will pass. And maybe after time this will totally fall into the category of "i don't regret the things i've done, but those i did not do."