HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
HELP!!!
10
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:02pm

A woman that I've been seeing and I are both going through divorces, both in relatively final stages of the divorce process. We were friends first who discovered we had a lot in common, beyond our failed marriages. Long story short, we started dating and really, really hit it off. We were both very patient and understanding of each other's situations, and could really talk to one another about life, etc. About three or four months into it, and we were pretty committed to one another. Things were going fantastic.

We had both already had our respective "rebounds," so I thought.

A few days ago was what would have been her wedding anniversary. I knew this would be very difficult for her, as the reasons for her marriage failing are very, very sad. Mine, not so much, but I could sympathize regardless.

Anyways, after that day, she mentioned that she's a little scared at how quickly things between she and I have been moving, and that she thinks we should continue seeing each other, but also see other people, see what's out there, so we are both sure we aren't repeating the mistakes we made with our previous relationships.

I am also scared at how quickly things moved (I don't want to get hurt either), but I want to see where things go with her because this has been the best relationship beginning that I've ever had.

However, I am more of a traditional guy. If I am dating someone and I care about them, as I do in this case, I have NO desire to see other people. I understand if she would like to meet others, but I don't know if/how I would handle the situation if things between her and someone else got physical.

My questions are:

Is this maybe just a gut reaction to some terrible feelings she had on her anniversary?

Should I give her the space she needs, even though it isn't what I would prefer (I do actually see us having a future together once we are able to really put the past behind us)?

When would be the time to say enough is enough if I feel like I am being hurt?

Normally, these would be no brainers for me, but I do care very deeply for her and understand she is going through a difficult time. And, I certainly want her to be sure about me.

But, given the bizarre circumstances of this situation, I'm not sure what to do.

My gut is telling me to hang in there and see what happens. This is based on how I would feel about her seeing other people, versus me not getting to see her at all.

Any and all advice is appreciated, but please be kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: lostboy2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:08pm

At first read, I would say she is probably reacting to the anniversary. I know I always have a hard time when I hit those major milestones that remind me of the past.

I would say give her some time to deal with whatever emotions have come to the surface for her. Once she's through that (which might not take very long), she will be better able to handle the possibility of continuing the relationship with you.

I'm not sure what advice to give about dating other people, because I know that would bother me a lot if I were in your shoes. I might have a conversation with her and tell her you will give her time and space to sort a few things out, but make it clear that you really don't want to date others and you truly care for her.

It is always difficult when people have been burned and those feelings come back. Hang in there. It will make you two stronger as a couple if you can get through this bump in the road.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
In reply to: lostboy2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:35pm

I’m constantly amazed at how quickly people jump into relationships after divorce or breakup from an LTR…, after my last one (a 6 year relationship) I consciously avoided dating or intimate communication with women for over a year…, I felt I needed to look deep inside myself and heal from this wound. I knew that any relationship I tried to start would be built on a shaky foundation and not last.

In your case you both need time away from commitment and time to heal from the divorces…, whether they be amicable or disastrous. Since you care so much for her you need to walk away and let the chips fall where they may. She is right in this matter and I for one think the both of you would be better off seeing other people….,

…, if you love something set it free.., if it doesn’t come back it was not meant to be…,

…, this will test your metal as a man…, trust me, I did this thing and she never came back.., well, actually she did try to come back a year later but it was too late.., I had moved on…, and she had notched up a relationship/marriage/divorce all in one year…, so I could see in her life what could have become of mine had I weakened before I was ready.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lostboy2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:48pm

I agree with adrastos. Trying to date when you're not even divorced yet is a mistake.

I think taking time apart would be a very smart thing to do. I don't think continuing to date and dating other people solves anything, it just masks the underlying issue, which is that she's not healed yet (and you're most likely not either). I learned from experience that even though I *thought* I was fine when I was going through my own divorce, I wasn't...but you could NOT have told me that at the time. Only with 20/20 hindsight (and a *bad* 4 year relationship I got into while I was separated) did I realize how "not fine" I was.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: lostboy2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:51pm

The most you can do is tell her how you feel and be there for her if she wants it. Unfortunately for you, it's really not your choice beyond that. Though you are both going through a divorce, it sounds like her experience (and therefore her recovery period) is quite different from yours.

Though it may seem difficult to give her space at this point, it really is better for both of you and the future you may have together. It's likely you both will be better off in the future if you each heal independently rather than use each other as a lifeboat. You may not see yourself in this situation but like I said, it seems the two of you are handling your divorces differently. She may need a good friend right now and, in my opinion, if you want a future with her, this shouldn't be you. It's too hard to go from counselor to partner when the time comes. In addition, it may be too difficult for her to see you as anything other than a friend when she's finally ready for a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: lostboy2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:06pm

Hi,

I hope this board offers the support you need. I have learned that people should be divorced completly before they can move on to the next one. It is just my 2 cents. I think you should give her space & follow the adage "if you love something let it go...if it comes back to you it's yours...if not, then.

I know this is a painful time for you but right now it seems with all the emotions you too are having coupled with the divorces, it clouds judgement & you truly need to wade through that before you can establish a good relationship/foundation. You both are being each other's sounding board/therapists/friend and safety net...this sometimes is not the healthiest & can be very co-dependent.

Just my 2 cents. Also see below...again just 2 cents. Take what you'd like, leave the rest.

FYI...http://www.barbaradeangelis.com/advice_BU_SO.asp#7

7.HOW SOON AFTER GETTING DIVORCED SHOULD SOMEONE START DATING AGAIN? HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE READY TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP?

It all depends on circumstances surrounding your divorce. The more wounded, angry or victimized you feel about your break up, the longer you need to wait before even thinking of getting involved again. If your relationship ended very badly or suddenly, you will need more time than if the break up was mutual and long overdue. If you have children, you will probably need more time to stabilize the family than if you and your mate didn’t have kids. If there was infidelity, you will definitely need a longer healing period than if the marriage ended amicably. Understanding the four stages of recovery mentioned earlier in this section will also help you identify where you are in your post-relationship process, and therefore, when you’re ready to get involved again.

A few important cautions: Don’t jump into a new relationship just to fill up the emptiness and avoid facing your pain. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your former partner was the problem, and now that you’re done with him or her, all you need to do is find someone else. (Remember--you chose that person...Find out why before you choose someone else. And after reading through these advice sections, I’m sure you know that I am going to tell you that you need to do some deep emotional work on both understanding and healing your past, as well as getting clear on how to avoid making mistakes in the future.

Now, it’s possible that in spite of everything I’ve said, the Universe will suddenly deliver a wonderful new partner into your life very soon after your break up, and in the midst of your healing process. Please--if you find yourself falling in love with a wonderful person who is committed to his growth and supportive of yours, who acknowledges your need to heal, and who is everything you’ve ever wanted, don’t say “Could you come back in about nine months?” Grab on to him, and thank God for bringing you someone to keep you company during your recovery, and even aid you in the process. Love is a gift and has it’s own sense of cosmic timing that is often unfathomable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: lostboy2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:07pm
whoa---I posted before I saw this. I could not agree with you more :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
In reply to: lostboy2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:16pm

Who do you agree with, jstbu?

I know that on the surface this all seems a terrible idea. But, really, I don't know. That article you linked me to was very helpful. It kind of put her feelings into perspective, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: lostboy2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:44pm

I agree with the other poster (adastros---sp?) who said what I said:

if you love something set it free.., if it doesn’t come back it was not meant to be…,

I am glad that you found the info. I posted helpful.

I just don't think it is healthy to go from one relationship to the next. Again, just my opinion. I know now that I need time to emotionally heal. That's just me.

Please be kind back.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: lostboy2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:51pm

I just wanted to say that I agree with you too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
In reply to: lostboy2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:02pm

Hi Lostboy,
My divorce came under very sad circumstances, and I wanted to give you my 2 cents.

"Should I give her the space she needs, even though it isn't what I would prefer (I do actually see us having a future together once we are able to really put the past behind us)?"

Give her all of the time and space there is. The sadness does strange things and creeps in and out of your life at will. She will know when she is ready for another commitment.

"When would be the time to say enough is enough if I feel like I am being hurt?"

I don't think you should be committed in any way when you feel like you are being hurt. You should listen to instincts of self preservation.If it is meant to be, it will be easy to remain friends/casual dates until you are ready for more, or you will go out and explore and still come back to each other.
E