HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
HELP!
7
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 11:49am
I'm new to the boards.....Hi everyone!!

Does anyone out there have any advice for EMBRACING the single life?? I'm on that neverending search and it's starting to get to me. I hate being single and coming home to an empty house every night. All of my friends are either in a relationship or married.....I'm always the third or fifth wheel!! Don't get me wrong.....I have a great life with great friends but I NEED A MAN!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: imagirliegirl77
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 1:41pm
First off, lose the negative self talk. You don't NEED a man, you WANT one. Second, use you time & freedom while you still have it. That way, when you find the man - and are married with kids, you will have fond memories of this time. You will never have any regrets or unfilled dreams about what you should have done, could have done. I go on retreats and trips by myself. I follow my happinesss where ever it takes - and not worry about my "responsibilities". Yeah, you might get lonely sometimes (develop your ppl skills and get a network to support you) - but my married friends whine about their husbands. There is always pros and cons to every situation. Take advantage of the pros...

Go.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: imagirliegirl77
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 1:45pm
I understand the frustration with having friends who are all married or coupled. It's something I'm struggling with too. However, I don't feel like I need a man to "fix" it. There are things to do that don't require anyone else. Take a road trip and turn up the music as loud as you want and sing along. Can you do that with someone else in the car? Go to a large bookstore and just browse for hours. Couldn't do that with a boyfriend nagging to leave cause he's bored. Save up to take a vacation somewhere, then do whatever YOU want the whole time. No one else to compromise with.

If you want to meet new people, you can check out volunteer organizations or take classes in your area. I tried volunteering, and here it was just older people, but you might have a different experience.

It's never good to feel like you NEED a man, but wanting one is just fine. Once you realize that life is okay without one, you'll gain the confidence to be on your own without feeling so awful about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: imagirliegirl77
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 2:35pm
Read my post to jend01, though I've copied it here:

What you're doing is finding your way back to the things, the routines you had while single. It can be done; you just have to sit down and remember it.



I know how you feel. I just divorced after 16 mos courtship/13-mo marriage, and I was 47 when I married for the first time, so I had LOTS of practice at being single. It was a terrible marriage (drugs were involved, and it was well hidden from me til after the wedding), and ending it was the best thing I ever did. But now, what do I do now that I'm single again?

What I always did was make plans. Sit down and think about things you want to do. I kept a calendar in my kitchen w/big blocks where I could fill in activities and dates--and doing so makes you see what a full life you really have, if you're ever down in the dumps w/"no one loves me" blues. I like live theater, so I check the paper for plays. I also enjoy live music w/new bands, so I look out for new venues. Every Sat was My Date w/Myself, and I'd dress nicely (even if it's jeans, I'd do full makeup) and DO something, ANYthing--even if it was a just a hamburger and a movie. It doesn't have to cost much, the point is to get OUT of the house. The idea is dressing up and physically GOING out; that gets you out of the habit of planting yourself at home.

Right now I'm not doing much of anything, though. On Mother's Day, while I was still going through the divorce, I was in the attic and fell through the floor, dropped 9 ft and impaled myself on a 2-pronged garden trowel! I'm still healing--no bones broke, thank God, and no organs were damaged--but of course there's lot of physical therapy ahead. (To say nothing of the emotional damage; then-DH called some of my friends to tell them, and they told me he LAUGHED when he told them...) That'll keep me occupied for the rest of the year, but in the meantime my new home is keeping me busy (and I SO love my new house; never have I felt so happy and secure, like I never did while married) while my body heals.

Hope this helps you, b/c it served me well before, as I'm sure it will once I'm up and about again.

So it is w/you and your single life. How you see the show depends on where you sit.

Ash

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: imagirliegirl77
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 4:12pm
I agree with the others who say you don't NEED a man. What I think you do need are some new activities or new interests that you can enjoy while single that might give you an opportunity to make new friends. It sounds like much of your frustration comes from the fact that all of your friends are in relationships, so perhaps you need to make some new, single friends to supplement those friends you already have. If you have other single people to spend time with, you might feel less like you NEED a man to be happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: imagirliegirl77
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 6:03pm
I am in the same situation - just trying to adapt back to my my single life. Some days are great - I make plans w/friends and go out. I've been reading alot more - something I didn't do alot of w/my Ex in the picture. But at the same time, I just miss having that one person there. And dating, I sometimes feel like I forgot out frustrating it can be. Wondering if he will call or is interested. For the past few days I've been trying to just figure how I got along so well w/out a man. I do want to be in a relationship but realize that I want it to be w/the right guy not just someone to take the place of my ex so until then I'm just trying to figure out who I am. Not easy but I'm sure we can do it.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: imagirliegirl77
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 7:07pm
Imagirlie: there is nothing *wrong* with needing a man. You can date and look for Mr. Right if you want, don't let anyone criticize you for it. There is also nothing wrong with someone who doesn't enjoy being single. For the most part, I don't really enjoy it. I've learned to like certain aspects of being single, though. I try to look at the advantages instead of the disadvantages.
Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: imagirliegirl77
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 9:44am
No one's criticizing her for wanting to date and meet Mr. Right. What we are trying to point out is that she'll have a very empty life if all of her focus is on meeting a man, and it's really a want, not a need. We're all trying to tell her that she needs to find ways to be happy if Mr. Right doesn't come along right away. She should have a fuller life than just a search for a man.