HELP! The Guy I REALLY Like Is Leaving

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Registered: 06-09-2005
HELP! The Guy I REALLY Like Is Leaving
14
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:59pm

I posted this on another board, but wanted to post it here as well:

I recently started dating a guy who is completely wonderful. He is a graduate student from Europe, but will be leaving to go back to his home country in August. I am devastated, but knew from the start that he was here only short term. I already have very strong feelings for him and feel sick to my stomach when I think about him leaving. I am not someone who typically falls head over heels for anyone and I tend to be very reserved with my emotions. I have thought about not seeing him (to spare myself the hurt later), but the thought of not seeing him is actually worse than the pain I know I will experience.

My dilemma: Assuming that my feelings do not change and continue to get stronger, what should I do about it? Tell him? What will that really accomplish?? He says he would like to finish his PhD in the states, but he has no set plans to ever come back (although he loves where he is living in the U.S. and would be happy living there forever). If I do tell him, when should I do it (now or right before he lives) and how do I tell him?

Someone, please help! I am so lost and just don't know what to do!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:23pm

Before I try to answer, how long have the two of you been dating?

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:23pm

This is a really hard situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:34pm

We have known each other for a while, but only really seriously started dating (rather than just hanging out with each other all the time) maybe a month ago... but we do have LONG LONG dates (that last the entire weekend) and we see each other during the week as well.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:42pm

Ok...during your "long" dates (or ideally, before you started dating), have you had any discussion of where both of you wanted this to go and how it would work logistically if things worked out between you? I guess I don't understand starting something that has no future or at least *talking* about it before getting involved. I have been in a LDR with someone who lived 2000 miles from me, and we discussed specifics about logistics and what we each wanted if things worked out before we got seriously involved.

Especially since you've known him for a long time, I think it's entirely appropriate to discuss NOW what each of you thinks or hopes might happen if things continue to go well between you. If he has no plans to continue your relationship once he goes home in August, I'd probably decline to continue--or otherwise accept that you are going to be REALLY hurting when it ends and just be ok with that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:53pm
Well, he was initially supposed to stay until November, but then lost funding and has to go back to his home school to finish his degree. We never really had the conversation about where this was going and where we wanted it to go... I guess we just sort of went from being friends to being more than friends in a very natural, unintentional way. There really wasn't any reason to discuss it at the time, because one night we went from just hanging out together to kissing... and then things just naturally progressed from there. I was not intending to get into a relationship with him, and would rather not have these feelings for him (it would make it so much easier). I really don't know what he intends... I know he has a good friend who is also a grad student here (she is foreign as well) and he mentioned that his friend and her bf were going to stay together even after she went back home... that could have been a hint or just idle chatter... I don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:30pm
I think you're better off not saying anything to him even though it will be extremely hard to see him go. What you have to keep in mind is that his education must be extremely important to him and I'm pretty sure that is his only focus at this time. Just continue to correspond with him and maybe even go out and visit him a couple of times. You never know, once he is done with school you can get back together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:40pm
I have to agree.
I've been through a similar situation a few years back. I thought my happiness was ending when this guy was leaving. I wanted to tell him how I felt so badly because I felt he knew but somehow it would mean more if I had actually spoken the words.
Talking with my friends, they convinced me it was a bad idea and to just let him go. I did. I was devastated and I missed him alot. What made it worse is that he'd call me after he left just to see how I'm doing and then all of the sudden he stopped and I didn't hear from him again. That was that. I had to carry on without him.
My missing him soon faded and I survived.
So will you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 4:00pm
I know it is more logical to not say anything. I am in grad school too (my last year) and I have no intention of leaving to follow a guy half way around the world. But, at the same time, I feel very strongly about him and every day we spend together, I feel more and more connected to him. I was thinking about inviting him to come back to the states for a visit after he finishes his program in the fall, but maybe that is not even a good idea. I guess I shouldn't freak out about it yet... just wait to see how things are in August when he goes to leave.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 6:17pm

Well, personally, I've never found the "stick your head in the sand and hope for the best" approach to work.

I think you need to have that conversation with him, if you really care about him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 4:02am

Hi rebby,

>Assuming that my feelings do not change and continue
>to get stronger, what should I do about it? Tell him?
>What will that really accomplish??

IMHO: Telling him how YOU feel may make you feel better but I don't think it will accomplish much more than that. It may (and I do mean *MAY*) compel him to tell you the way he feels, but I doubt it will be the absolute truth.

I think it would be better if you ask him what his intentions are and what will happen when it's time to leave. Try and get an idea of what his feelings are *before* you open up.

This seems counter-intuitive, but as a male, I can say that women have NEVER changed the way I feel by telling me their feelings. There is also plenty of empirical evidence to suggest this is true for most people. Telling someone you love them will NOT increase their interest in you.

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