Help me be a better friend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Help me be a better friend...
6
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 8:27pm

Hey yall,

I'm looking to gain some insight. I need to be a better friend and I just don't know where to start.

I have been biting my tongue just about every time my best friend mentions her boyfriend.

We've been friends for almost ten years (just before high school) and she and Blake began dating a year ago. At first, he grated on her every nerve - he's very clingy and whiny - she is very independent. She would often come to me and complain about how he just expected her to be superwoman and be as into him as he is with her. I guess this is where my first impressions of him were formed and I can't get over it. Over the past few months, she has complained about him less, but he hasn't changed, he's still the guilt-tripping, clingy guy he always was.

For example, he always tells her they don't spend enough time together - well she works about 50 hours a week and his job is more flexible. He would be happy if they were attached at the hip, and I just don't think it's healthy.

Am I slightly jealous that she has a boyfriend that seems to put her before himself or anyone else? Slightly, but then again, I'd rather be treated like a human than be held to the standards to which she's held.

He's her first real boyfriend and while it'd be great and awesome if this was "it" for her, it makes my skin crawl to listen to "Then Blake did this", "Blake's the best at this", "Blake and I did this". And I get that I'm her best friend, but I still can't stand to hear "I love him so much" every other minute. I'm not jealous that he's hogging so much of her time, she's very good about splitting time between him and her friends...though he does "join us" on many occasions that begin as girls nights. I feel like she's changed...she's not as annoyed by how clingy he is. She revels in how much he loves her. It's kinda...gone to her head. Suddenly she thinks she's as great as he thinks she is. Ahh, and here's where I feel like a bad friend again. She IS as great as he thinks. She's awesome. But there is such a thing as being humble and not so vain.

I don't think she's dated around enough to know that Blake is it for her. She knows him better than I do, but I just see him as this whiny guy whose guilt trips seem borderline manipulative. He is a good guy though, in other aspects If she's sick, he's the first to the store to get her meds and kleenex. I give him credit for being thoughtful and he DOES really love her, but he also thinks she can do no wrong. She is the center of his universe. He's blow off friends, family, etc. to be at her service.

I have a very hard time keeping my mouth shut, but I do. However, I refuse to act like he's the best thing since sliced bread. I can't tell if I dislike him more because he's clingy and I feel suffocated just listening to him (he's so not MY type), or if it's because she's 22 and I hate that she has become so infatuated that she thinks there is no better man out there for her.

Please advise. I can't sing his praises like she does. I can't stand him. But I can pretend like I do and really, I genuinely am happy for her. I could just use some tips on how to avoid straining our relationship over a guy.

I'm posting this here because I'm newly single (though I felt this way even when I wasn't) and I needed unbiased advice.

Thanks so much.

Tess

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:32pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 9:43 am ET by elwood1960
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:14pm

My

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:21pm

Elwood, you've probably learned by now that I'm the type of person to say exactly what I mean and what I'm thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:42pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 9:43 am ET by elwood1960
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 2:00am

Take care of yourself Elwood. I understand where you have been and where you want to go. You are not alone.

Best,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 9:49am

I agree with shywon, there is a difference between love and obsession/fixation, the latter is obviously unhealthy. It seems like a role reversal to me, the clingy man and the independent woman. Relationships that are the other way around don't usually work too well either, do they?

Many a friend of mine has dated guys I don't particularly care for...I can name at least two right now. But then the guy I was dating last summer (he keeps rearing his ugly head, I know....but I learned a lot) my friends never met, but didn't approve of the way I was acting towards him...I eventually learned on my own that he wasn't right for me, but the experience made me realize how important my friends being supportive was to me. I appreciated their honest, yet tactful, opinions when I asked for them, but the fact that they'd listen to me without judging me and give their opinion if I asked for it....I think that's the best you can do and realize that if she'd truly a smart, independent woman, she'll realize if this guy isn't right for her. It bothers me a little that so many of my friends are getting married (I'm 22!!), but...I figure how many people meet the love of their life at 22? It sounds cruel, but not all of these marriages or relationships or what have you are going to last (of course some will and I hope for my friends' sakes that they will). I'm not naive enough to think that I'll be the same person at 32 as I am now at 22.