Help - reality check needed!

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Registered: 05-04-2005
Help - reality check needed!
31
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 11:50am

Hi,

I think I need a reality check. I kinda know what I should do, but want to ask what you guys think.

Ok, here goes...

I have been single for 7 months now. My ex - let's call him Jim - broke up with me last fall because he of my age and my plans for my professional future. I was 27 then, he was 21, and he knew 100% that he wanted a large family, 3 or 4 kids. I want to go to med school and not start a family until I'm at least 35, but having 3 or 4 kids starting at 35 is not the wisest thing to do. He also didn't think I should be taking out loans at 28 to go to med school - I should be saving instead. So he decided that he were not well matched in terms of what we wanted from life at what point, and broke it off. We were together for 18 months, and met at college (he was doing his BA, I was doing my MA). He moved away after graduating to start his first job (he signed the contract before he met me) and wanted me to move to his city and get a job, not go to med school. We did long-distance for a year (saw each other at weekends) and he hated that, as he wanted to see more of me. So the combined total of the circumstances made him decide that we were better off apart.

Jim was more or less what I wanted in a man: smart, witty, passionate about what he does, confident, affectionate, and attractive (to me; I am sure he doesn't do it for *every* woman lol). The only thing that always kinda bothered me was that he didn't seem to have a lot of "depth". His life had been plain sailing so far, everything had worked out for him professionally and in his private life, and he had never had any real problems. He was not emotionally stunted, but rather happy and content and care-free. And he found it impossible to understand when I had problems of any kind. If he could be happy and carefree, why did *I* find that so hard? Surely it wasn't rocket science to have a smooth-sailing life? That was his attitude though, and I never really felt understood. My first bf (we broke up a few years back) had incredible depth. With him, I was still finding new things to discover after years of being together. You'd peel off one layer, and there would be 5 more. With Jim, there weren't many layers, and that kind of bothered me. Whether that was due to his life experiences to date - and lack of problems of any kind - who knows? It's not unlikely.

Now, on that MA course there was a guy. Let's call him Jack. He was 24 when we started the course, I was 26. Jack, contrary to Jim, *has* that kind of layered feel about him. He is very private, but every now and then during our MA year you'd get the feeling that there was a whole lot more to him that meets the eye. He also had the same attributes that Jim had: smart, very witty and with a sharp sense of humour, passionate about what he does (he is a nature photographer), confident, attractive. I could think that about him while I was with Jim, and still be very happy with Jim. I was with Jim, period. Didn't stop me thinking that other men had lovely qualities too, but in my eyes Jim was still the non-plus-ultra, and I was never tempted to stray in any way :-)

I must admit though...when Jack had a fling during the MA with another girl, I felt mildly sad for a brief moment. Dunno why, and it only lasted for a brief moment. Then, when Jim and I broke up, Jack had already made plans to go travelling for half a year to far-away places with his new gf. They met just after we graduated with our MA. Again, I was sad, this time a little longer, because I thought that now I was single, maybe something would happen between Jack and I.

Why would I think that, I hear you ask?

Well, you see, Jack has always been flirtatious with me. It was very very subtle, hardly noticeable, but it was still there. So maybe subconsciously I had started to think whether he might be interested, given his flirtatiousness. And then when I was single and he had a gf, I realised that he now was off-limits and I would never find out if anything could have happened between us.

So, Jack went off travelling, I got on with my life. I have a lot on, work 2 jobs, do voluntary work, etc., preparing for med school, so I have been very busy and not had much time to think about guys at all - which has been more than fine :-) But now he is back from his travels, and we do chat on MSN cos we do have a similar sense humour and it's fun to talk to him. All us folks from the MA keep in touch anyway, so it's partly that as well.

But...I wanted to know where I stand with him. Whether he just saw me as a friend, cos I wanted to know whether I could talk to him without being unfair to his gf. And he seemed highly bemused that I wanted to know if he ever saw me as more than a friend back in our MA-days. Why was he bemused?

Because he had been freakin' interested in me, in a more-than-just-friends way!! Which had caused his flirtatiousness all that time... But I was with Jim, so Jack never said anything! And then Jack met a girl, and that was the end of that. Me and Jim broke up after Jack met *his* gf, so Jack and I were never single at the same time. And he admitted that he regrets the timing :-( He was also shocked to hear that I had felt sad that he hadn't been single when *I* finally was - he had never hoped to think that I was interested in him in a more-than-friends way!

And now I have a problem, which is where you guys come in. I need to stop talking to Jack, now that I know how he once felt about me? Because from what he was saying, there is a lot of regret there, and he really thinks the timing was crap. Add to that that he and his gf will be moving in together in the near future, and it all becomes a huge no-g0 area!

I have asked him if he is moving in with his gf because he can't wait to start his life with her. I asked him this when I believed he just saw me as a friend (despite his flirtatiousness he had never made any indications that he saw me as more than a good friend), and I am happy when my friends are happy. So I was just pleased that he seemed so much in love with his gf that they were moving in together. I mean, I would only move in with a guy if I saw long-term potential there.

But he doesn't sound as though that is why he is moving in with her. He wants to move into his own place (he has been staying at his parents since he came back from his travels) and can't afford it on his own, and she is in the same situation. They will also be co-authoring a book based on his pictures, so I guess that also played a part in their decision to share an apartment.

But I have read enough posts on this board to realise that what a man says about his relationship is not necessarily what is actually going on. For example, the classic situation where a man is having an extra-marital affair and says to the mistress that he is unhappy, staying only because of the children, and no longer sleeps with his wife. You can bet your life usually that he is lying. So who is to say that Jack is not moving in with his gf because he *is* madly in love with her, rather than saying "well, we both wanted to move in a place of our own, can't afford an apartment each, so we decided we might as well move in together".

I need to stop speaking to him while he is in a relationship, right? It's not fair on his gf, to have Jack talking to me online when he has admitted that he saw me as more than just a friend once and kinda regrets that the timing between he and I hadn't been better. And when I have told him I regret that too. His gf is lovely, and she does not deserve that.

I need to stay well clear of him as long as he is in a relationship, right? It will be a pain in the bum, cos he really does make me laugh and it's a hoot talking to him :-( But I don't want to fuel any thoughts/regrets he might have about me, and talking to him could pose a risk that that might happen. And that would impact his relationship with his gf, and I don't want that.

I am doing the right thing here, aren't I?

Sorry for the saga...any advice will be very much appreciated. Thanks!!

goddess




Edited 4/16/2006 11:55 am ET by goddess_bikingmad
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 3:32pm

I think you're doing the right thing to stop contact with this guy. It sounds like he may be looking for the easy way out... break up with the gf, knowing you are right there available for some fun.

And who would want to go through his growing up stage?? Not me!! Let him go and finish being a boy and when he's ready to be a man, he can look you up. Meanwhile, you've got a life. You're not going to sit there on hold waiting for him to come around to the great person you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 2:23pm

Hi folks,

I am having a BAD day today.

I really want him. I want to get to know him better, and talk to him, and see him. And I can't. You know what hurts the most? It is bad enough when you someone you want does not reciprocate your feelings - that hurts. But having a situation where someone has had feelings for you, and still has (though he has more feelings for his gf), and is not in a situation to do anything about it, that is a real killer :-(

All I can do is stay clear and wait. And that sucks. It is not as though I am putting my life on hold for him. I wasn't planning on another bf for at least a year and a half anyway - I have a lot on my plate for the next 18 months. And that will happen regardless of anything that might happen with him. But it is just sooo hard that I don't know what will happen with him.

I would be happy to wait if he was single and could not start anything with me for whatever reason (family illness, big finals at school, about to go travelling for half a year, that kind of thing). But knowing that I would have to wait at least 6 months before he would even be in a position to decide if he wanted to stay with his gf (the lease on their apartment is up then), that is hard. And it is most likely that him living with her will make him fall in love with her, though he says that he doesn't feel madly in love with her at the moment, and that she has never said anything to him in that direction either. I am a fool here for hoping that maybe he will ask me out down the line, right?

I don't want to forget about him, and I don't think I would be able to, having feelings for him and knowing that he has had more-than-friendly feelings about me for 2 years - which to be fair he never thought would be reciprocated. It is still possible that in 6 months or whenever he will decide to break up with his gf (or she might break up with him, you never know, and move back to her home country). It is highly unlikely that I would have a bf in 6 months' time, because as I said I wasn't planning on that at all for the next 18 months. And the chances of me meeting someone new and being swept off my feet is highly unlikely during that time - the "quality men" quota where I live is not exactly high...

But finding out what he felt about me for the past 2 years, I would gladly make an exception to my 18-month-rule for him. Though I would hardly have time for a bf (Jack or anyone else) because I will be so busy, I would glady try and make time for him. Unfortunately, he lives a few hours away on the train, and his work limits where he could live. He might be able to move to within about 2 hours by train to where I live, and that distance would be doable, but he could not move any closer. But hey, he isn't the sort of person anyway who would take this kind of stuff into consideration when deciding whether to start a relationship with someone. He is the type who thinks "we'll work the distance stuff out when it becomes relevant, right now all I know is that I want to be with you".

What do I do? This hurts so badly. Knowing that he has some feelings for me (though obviously less than for his gf!), and that I have feelings for him, but that nothing can be done about it. And I think I would just hurt incredibly if 6 months down the line they were madly in love and decided to stay together.

Add to this that my best girlfriends are a close-knit group, and one of them had a fling with him. So I can't talk to them about this as I think she still has some kind of feelings for him too. I don't want to lose my friends as well, or create tension of any kind!

I miss him, talking to him. He makes me laugh. And he is moving in with his gf next week, and whenever I think about them together, eating together, sleeping in the same bed, etc., I feel so sad. But there is nothing that can be done. I can't be in contact with him. All I can do is wait, since my life will go on and I will do what I have planned on doing, whether I wait for him or forget about him. But as long as there is still the possibility that he might be single again in the future, I am hesitant to move on and forget about him. Am I being stupid?

Any hugs and/or kind (or stern!!) words are appreciated... Thanks for listening!




Edited 4/21/2006 3:09 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 4:04pm

No you're not being stupid...you're not being smart either ;-), but that's ok. It's hard to be smart when feelings are involved. I am in a situation where I really like this one guy but the chances of it working are pretty much slim to none (we just don't seem to be on the same page with what we want from a relationship plus there's an ex in the picture who isn't accepting it's over and he's being wishy-washy about making it clear to her so that's not helping), so I *totally* understand where you're coming from. I'm busy dating other people and he knows what he needs to do if he wants to be with me...I'll give it a little bit longer but if things don't improve, I'm moving on.

So what do you do? You do basically the same things that you do after a breakup. You stop having any contact with him, first of all. And then you start to move on. You take your hope and you put it in a little box WAAAY up on the highest shelf in your emotional closet. You remind yourself numerous times a day of the REALITY of the situation, and stop fantasizing about what "could be". I know, easier said than done, but it's a process and you will get through it, one day at a time.

Sheri

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Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 5:04pm

>> So what do you do? You do basically the same things that you do after a breakup. You stop having any contact with him, first of all. And then you start to move on. You take your hope and you put it in a little box WAAAY up on the highest shelf in your emotional closet. You remind yourself numerous times a day of the REALITY of the situation, and stop fantasizing about what "could be". I know, easier said than done, but it's a process and you will get through it, one day at a time.

But how can I do that when there is still hope that it might work out? When my ex and I broke up, I knew that there was no chance we would get back together. So in a way that made it easier (though by no means easy) to move on. There was no hope left. And lo and behold, 6 months on I HAVE moved on. Thought it would never happen, but I am well on my way to getting over my ex.

But with Jack, there IS still hope, in a way. He hasn't categorically stated that he loves his gf and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. And I just feel that I cannot start to move on until I know that *nothing* will ever happen. If he turned round to me in 6 months and said "listen, my and my gf have decided to rent the apartment for another 6 months because we love each other", then I would give up and move on.

But what he is saying is that there is still a chance that something might happen between us, because right now he isn't sure how he feels about spending the rest of his life with his gf. And because of that, they might break up in the future.

How do you move on when there is still the possibility of a "maybe"? I am stuck here I think: I can either wait and see how he feels in 6 months, and kill myself waiting and dreaming of what might happen. Or I can squash the seeds of hope and move on. Both option seem equally unpleasant at the moment... I am tempted to take the first option, if it didn't hurt so damn much!




Edited 4/21/2006 5:07 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 5:12pm

Actually there *is* another option...the one I suggested, which is basically putting the hope WAY on the back burner and moving forward with it tucked away in the back of your mind.

As in the following thought process, "If he really wanted to be with me, he'd take action and not make excuses. He's not, so he most likely doesn't really want to be. I'm not going to wait around hoping for something that may never happen. If it happens, great, but I'm going to put it out of my mind for the time being and move on."

I mean, it's not *impossible* that you could to win the lottery some day, either...but you wouldn't put your life on hold and not work or save money "just in case", would you???

So...you would seriously put your life on hold for six months because he didn't tell you there's no chance of things working out between the two of you???

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 6:45pm

Ouch, I feel for you and unfortunately have been in a similar situation. I feel, though, that he kind of clued you in to where he's at maturitywise when you guys had the original conversation about what would happen if he were single again. He said he would want to stay out of serious stuff for awhile, but you guys might be casual. You said he could do his casual thing and come find you when he's done (paraphrasing) and he said, oh, yes, but by then one of my random hookups might have drifted into real-girlfriend territory.

Think about it: In your ideal world, if things fell apart with the current gf, he would show up at your door not too long after with a million wonderful words about how you guys can finally get your chance and how he wants to be with you more than anything else on earth. But when you asked him what would happen, he gave you the above scenario instead. Basically, you could have me, but only in a fun and casual way, but don't get too attached, because I'll probably be having other girls too.

Plus, think of this: Right now, he's got really good reasons for not being with you. He's in a long term relationship and just signed a lease. We get that. But, what about if he's single again (because realistically he probably won't marry this girl if they don't even love each other) and still doesn't want to be with only you? Consider that a very, very real possibility. In fact, he pretty much told you that would be the case. I think, unfortunately, this is one case where you're eventually gonna have to cut your losses. I know what it's like when you're giving up what feels like a wonderful thing, but doesn't wonderful include truly wanting you and thinking you're the best woman ever? I think it should.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 6:57pm

Hi again Sheri,

<< I mean, it's not *impossible* that you could to win the lottery some day, either...but you wouldn't put your life on hold and not work or save money "just in case", would you???

So...you would seriously put your life on hold for six months because he didn't tell you there's no chance of things working out between the two of you???

You make a very very valid point in the first paragraph. However (and this is what is causing me to feel in turmoil so much) - I would not be putting my life on hold for six months. I work 2 jobs, I volunteer, I play sports, I spend time with friends and family. I am a busy girl. Whether I decide to wait for what he says in 6 months, or whether I decide to move on *now* won't have an effect on my life. Waiting for him won't stop me doing things - but what waiting WILL do is make me feel sad while I go about my life. If I could find a way of eliminating the sadness and the feeling that I might be waiting for nothing, I would happily wait.

I have thought about possible reasons to tell myself why I would be better off if nothing ever happened between me and Jack. This strategy worked an absolute treat with my ex - there were some very good reasons why I was better off without him. I had to tell myself them quite a few times, but eventually I started to see that I was making sense and started to believe we were better off apart.

Now, with Jack, I can think of one reason why it might be better if we never got together. You see, I will (fingers crossed!) be starting med school in Fall 2007. Now, due to the nature of Jack's work, he has travelled in the past and will travel in the future. He is a nature photographer and author, and would really like to work as a nature documentary maker one day. He has said that he does not want the "usual" of marriage, kids, steady job, house in the suburbs. He wants to do something creative and worthwhile with his life, and I respect and admire him for that. I want to dedicate my life to a greater cause to - it is one of the reason I want to be a doctor. Of course he would like to have a gf/wife in his life once he feels ready to settle down with someone, and he has absolutely not ruled out children, but he does have itchy feet to some extent. He likes to see the world. Working a steady 9-5 job would be his greatest nightmare.

In this respect, Jack could not be further from Jim (my ex). Jim's goal in life was a wife, children, a house and a steady job. He had no desire to travel, no dreams of what he wanted to achieve. He wanted the quiet family life his parents had/have. Which is fair enough - different people want different things. And while I was with Jim, the notion of what he wanted felt nice, but I was also worried that I might feel stifled and bored as a housewife (Jim would have wanted me to stay home with the kids). I had always dreamed of maybe living abroad for a while, work as a doctor in Africa or South East Asia or somethingn like that. I still do dream about that. A friend of mine had a very international childhood (his father used to be an ambassador), and this is something that I also hoped my children might have one day. I would want to show them a bit of the worls, and experience the world myself. Being with Jim, I kinda accepted that I would never have that. With Jack, it would be a distinct possibility.

The devil, however, lies in the detail...

I will take 4 years to finish med school. Then I will take 2 years as a resident before I am fully qualified to work as a doctor anywhere in the world. So, realistically, I would only be fully flexible in 6 years in terms of working anywhere in the world. Could I be with someone who needs and wants to travel while I am in med school? Could we live with seeing each other only at weekends (that is, if we didn't get a place together or lived in the same city)? Could I go weeks, or even months, without seeing them? Would he get fed up eventually that I would not be free (yet) to go travelling with him?

And this is another reason why nothing is ever going to happen with him most likely. His gf is from New Zealand. Her mother is shortly moving back there. Now, where his gf to say to Jack in 6 months' time "do you fancy moving to NZ with me for a while?", he would most likely do that. He hates staying in the country we live in now (not the US) for an extended period of time - he likes to see the world. So, if the relationship he is in gives him everything he wants (companionship, fun, feelings (even though they might not be as strong as "being in love")), and staying with his gf would give him that PLUS allow him to live somewhere else for a while, he would be mad to stay here. I mean, all I could offer him would be the same that his gf could offer him. I could offer him "being in love with you" and possible he would fall in love with me, but those kind of feelings are not a high priority for him. I think if he could choose between his gf (not madly in love but he would get to live somewhere new with her), and me (me being in love with him & him being in love with me, but me being unable to travel much or move abroad for the next 6 years), he would pick her.

And there you have it.

I think we would be well matched if I was mobile NOW - i.e. if I was a fully trained doctor now or within the next year or two. Medicine is a very mobile profession if one wants it to be. And as a couple, we would fit well I think. We have the same sense of humour, fancy each other, we are both inquisitive and want to spend our lives doing something worthwhile, we want to see the world, we want more from life that the normal 2.4 kids and a house in the suburbs. However, I would not have full mobility for a number of years, and I guess it could turn out to be a problem.

He is not the sort of person that would have the kind of thoughts above. He is a "let's cross that bridge when we come to it" person. So he would not NOT start something because of considerations like the one above. But on the whole, if his gf shares his love of travel and is able to travel with him, and he is not looking to be in love, I could not see why he would break up with her to start something with me. I guess if he didn't fall in love after living with her for 6 months, and got to a point where he wanted to be in love with the girl he was with, then I would have a chance. Because he would then most likely want to see if things with me would be different - if he and I could fall in love with each other.

So, even if I do end up waiting and enduring the sadness that the waiting and hoping gives me, what is to say that he would chose me in the end? If he wants what his gf can give, and is not bothered about what she *can't* give him, why would he leave her?

Sorry to write another saga. I just find that once I start typing I can't stop :-( Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 7:16pm

Hi thebethness,

I do remember thet bit you are referring to. He was basically giving me 2 options:

1) He would start something casual with me

2) I could wait until he was done with casual and ready for another serious relationship.

Option 1) I kinda didn't like at first because I was worried things might not progress beyond casual, and 2) ran the risk that one of his casual flings would develop into something more serious.

So did ask him about it. I said I would not feel comfortable if "fun only, nothing serious" meant that he could see or sleep with other girls. And he said that if he felt happy with me, he would have no problem seeing ONLY me (as his casual relationship) - which would then eliminate the problem of him falling for a casual fling. And the more I think about it, the more I realise that starting off casual (but exclusive) would maybe be better for me, until I have settled into med school and have a routine and am in a better position to accomodate a serious relationship into my life.

I think what he meant by casual was that he doesn't want all the obligations for a while that go with a full-blown relationship - he just doesn't want to account for another person all the time. I don't think he would have a problem with only having a light-hearted relationship with *me*. And call me naive, but my gut instinct here is that is telling the truth when said that.

And to be honest - I don't think *I* would have the time for a full-blown relationship for the next 18m onths or so either! I would be working flat-out 6 days a week, preparing for med school. Which would leave one day I could feasibly spend with him, plus maybe several evenings a week if *he* travelled to see me, or stayed at my house during the week. I would be too strapped for time and cash to travel to see him.

So, having someone light-hearted where we would see each other a few times a week max, but were we would ONLY see each other, would be more than fine with me. I don't think I would have the time for more, much as I would like to. You know, I don't think he wants to be free to sleep around - I think he just wants to be free to do his own thing during the week, without a gf wanting him to spend all his time with her. He just wants his space a little more than he has now.

>> But, what about if he's single again (because realistically he probably won't marry this girl if they don't even love each other) and still doesn't want to be with only you? Consider that a very, very real possibility.

I agree with you - I don't think they will last the distance. And yes, you have a very valid point when you say "what makes you think he would then want to be with only YOU?" If he could tell me, hand on heart, that he could not guarantee that he would not want to see other girls besides me, I would tell him to take a hike. You might say now that he won't be stupid enough to admit that he would be seeing others, and would do it without me knowing. But I have known him for some time now. He is not a player like that. He is capable of fidelity - I mean, he could have cheated on his gf with me if he only wanted sex, but he has not and will not cheat with me. Also, he has been thinking about me for the past 2 years, and for at least half of that time I was in a serious relationship, which he knew. AND he thought I only saw him as a friend. So to some extent I don't think it would be unjustified for me to think that maybe I am a little more special to him that the next-best girl in the street? Special enough maybe for him to want to be with only me, even if we would be starting off as something fun and light-hearted?

But thank you for replying to my post - you have made lots of very valid points, and I would probably say the same things you did if I was advising someone in my position. Thanks again!

Edited 4/21/2006 7:25 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad




Edited 4/21/2006 7:26 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 7:22pm

Sorry I wasn't clear--what I really meant was, are you going to put your emotional life on hold for the next six months. You're exactly right...you can have the sadness for the whole six months...or you can start the moving on process now and get to a place where you're ok with the whole thing that much sooner. Not that the 2nd option doesn't involve sadness...it does. But the sadness will pass as you move on.

I guess I don't really understand the whole "reasons why I'd be better off" thought process in *this* situation...the reality is, you're NOT together, and the chances of the two of you BEING together are slim. Not impossible, but slim. It seems to me that that your list of reasons you're NOT together can be quite short: he has a girlfriend and he's chosen to stay with her over being with you. That is the reality, and that's where you can steer your mind when you start thinking in "what ifs". Whether you'd be better off together or not doesn't really matter--because you're not together! It's not an option.

It's a different situation from your ex and requires a different mindset, IMO.

Sheri

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Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 7:38pm

<< You're exactly right...you can have the sadness for the whole six months...or you can start the moving on process now and get to a place where you're ok with the whole thing that much sooner. Not that the 2nd option doesn't involve sadness...it does. But the sadness will pass as you move on.

That sounds like a sensible option...I will have to give that some serious thought!!

But just to ask you to clarify something. As I have mentioned in a previous post, he has to move out of his parents' house (something both he and they want). His gf's mum will shortly move back to NZ. Neither of them (Jack or his gf) has enough money to afford an apartment by themselves, and they live in a small town where roommates are not easy to some by (most of the people living there are families, there are not many young people).

So you are saying the following: if Jack really wanted to be with me he would break up with his gf now (a week before they are due to move), find either a roommate for the apartment (bearing in mind it is probably a one-bed apartment) and move into another houseshare himself, or stay put with the roommate and ask his gf to find a room in a houseshare? Or if there were no roomies to be found, they would separately move to a different, bigger city(ies) where they would not know anyone?

Do you think that NOT doing that is an indicator that his feelings for me are nowhere close to strong enough? Or that he is lazy and taking the easiest route - i.e. staying with her, and only leaving once this would be less of a problem (compared to the current circumstances)?

If the answer is "yes, if he wanted you enough, he would break up with her no matter what difficulties that would cause", then I think the following would be the most sensible option for me...

<< It seems to me that that your list of reasons you're NOT together can be quite short: he has a girlfriend and he's chosen to stay with her over being with you. That is the reality, and that's where you can steer your mind when you start thinking in "what ifs".




Edited 4/21/2006 7:52 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad