Help - reality check needed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Help - reality check needed!
31
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 11:50am

Hi,

I think I need a reality check. I kinda know what I should do, but want to ask what you guys think.

Ok, here goes...

I have been single for 7 months now. My ex - let's call him Jim - broke up with me last fall because he of my age and my plans for my professional future. I was 27 then, he was 21, and he knew 100% that he wanted a large family, 3 or 4 kids. I want to go to med school and not start a family until I'm at least 35, but having 3 or 4 kids starting at 35 is not the wisest thing to do. He also didn't think I should be taking out loans at 28 to go to med school - I should be saving instead. So he decided that he were not well matched in terms of what we wanted from life at what point, and broke it off. We were together for 18 months, and met at college (he was doing his BA, I was doing my MA). He moved away after graduating to start his first job (he signed the contract before he met me) and wanted me to move to his city and get a job, not go to med school. We did long-distance for a year (saw each other at weekends) and he hated that, as he wanted to see more of me. So the combined total of the circumstances made him decide that we were better off apart.

Jim was more or less what I wanted in a man: smart, witty, passionate about what he does, confident, affectionate, and attractive (to me; I am sure he doesn't do it for *every* woman lol). The only thing that always kinda bothered me was that he didn't seem to have a lot of "depth". His life had been plain sailing so far, everything had worked out for him professionally and in his private life, and he had never had any real problems. He was not emotionally stunted, but rather happy and content and care-free. And he found it impossible to understand when I had problems of any kind. If he could be happy and carefree, why did *I* find that so hard? Surely it wasn't rocket science to have a smooth-sailing life? That was his attitude though, and I never really felt understood. My first bf (we broke up a few years back) had incredible depth. With him, I was still finding new things to discover after years of being together. You'd peel off one layer, and there would be 5 more. With Jim, there weren't many layers, and that kind of bothered me. Whether that was due to his life experiences to date - and lack of problems of any kind - who knows? It's not unlikely.

Now, on that MA course there was a guy. Let's call him Jack. He was 24 when we started the course, I was 26. Jack, contrary to Jim, *has* that kind of layered feel about him. He is very private, but every now and then during our MA year you'd get the feeling that there was a whole lot more to him that meets the eye. He also had the same attributes that Jim had: smart, very witty and with a sharp sense of humour, passionate about what he does (he is a nature photographer), confident, attractive. I could think that about him while I was with Jim, and still be very happy with Jim. I was with Jim, period. Didn't stop me thinking that other men had lovely qualities too, but in my eyes Jim was still the non-plus-ultra, and I was never tempted to stray in any way :-)

I must admit though...when Jack had a fling during the MA with another girl, I felt mildly sad for a brief moment. Dunno why, and it only lasted for a brief moment. Then, when Jim and I broke up, Jack had already made plans to go travelling for half a year to far-away places with his new gf. They met just after we graduated with our MA. Again, I was sad, this time a little longer, because I thought that now I was single, maybe something would happen between Jack and I.

Why would I think that, I hear you ask?

Well, you see, Jack has always been flirtatious with me. It was very very subtle, hardly noticeable, but it was still there. So maybe subconsciously I had started to think whether he might be interested, given his flirtatiousness. And then when I was single and he had a gf, I realised that he now was off-limits and I would never find out if anything could have happened between us.

So, Jack went off travelling, I got on with my life. I have a lot on, work 2 jobs, do voluntary work, etc., preparing for med school, so I have been very busy and not had much time to think about guys at all - which has been more than fine :-) But now he is back from his travels, and we do chat on MSN cos we do have a similar sense humour and it's fun to talk to him. All us folks from the MA keep in touch anyway, so it's partly that as well.

But...I wanted to know where I stand with him. Whether he just saw me as a friend, cos I wanted to know whether I could talk to him without being unfair to his gf. And he seemed highly bemused that I wanted to know if he ever saw me as more than a friend back in our MA-days. Why was he bemused?

Because he had been freakin' interested in me, in a more-than-just-friends way!! Which had caused his flirtatiousness all that time... But I was with Jim, so Jack never said anything! And then Jack met a girl, and that was the end of that. Me and Jim broke up after Jack met *his* gf, so Jack and I were never single at the same time. And he admitted that he regrets the timing :-( He was also shocked to hear that I had felt sad that he hadn't been single when *I* finally was - he had never hoped to think that I was interested in him in a more-than-friends way!

And now I have a problem, which is where you guys come in. I need to stop talking to Jack, now that I know how he once felt about me? Because from what he was saying, there is a lot of regret there, and he really thinks the timing was crap. Add to that that he and his gf will be moving in together in the near future, and it all becomes a huge no-g0 area!

I have asked him if he is moving in with his gf because he can't wait to start his life with her. I asked him this when I believed he just saw me as a friend (despite his flirtatiousness he had never made any indications that he saw me as more than a good friend), and I am happy when my friends are happy. So I was just pleased that he seemed so much in love with his gf that they were moving in together. I mean, I would only move in with a guy if I saw long-term potential there.

But he doesn't sound as though that is why he is moving in with her. He wants to move into his own place (he has been staying at his parents since he came back from his travels) and can't afford it on his own, and she is in the same situation. They will also be co-authoring a book based on his pictures, so I guess that also played a part in their decision to share an apartment.

But I have read enough posts on this board to realise that what a man says about his relationship is not necessarily what is actually going on. For example, the classic situation where a man is having an extra-marital affair and says to the mistress that he is unhappy, staying only because of the children, and no longer sleeps with his wife. You can bet your life usually that he is lying. So who is to say that Jack is not moving in with his gf because he *is* madly in love with her, rather than saying "well, we both wanted to move in a place of our own, can't afford an apartment each, so we decided we might as well move in together".

I need to stop speaking to him while he is in a relationship, right? It's not fair on his gf, to have Jack talking to me online when he has admitted that he saw me as more than just a friend once and kinda regrets that the timing between he and I hadn't been better. And when I have told him I regret that too. His gf is lovely, and she does not deserve that.

I need to stay well clear of him as long as he is in a relationship, right? It will be a pain in the bum, cos he really does make me laugh and it's a hoot talking to him :-( But I don't want to fuel any thoughts/regrets he might have about me, and talking to him could pose a risk that that might happen. And that would impact his relationship with his gf, and I don't want that.

I am doing the right thing here, aren't I?

Sorry for the saga...any advice will be very much appreciated. Thanks!!

goddess




Edited 4/16/2006 11:55 am ET by goddess_bikingmad

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 8:27pm

Hi Sheri,

Here, have a hug back ((( Sheri )))

I agree with you, this whole thing sucks.

I do have a counsellor who I will talk to about this when I next see her. I also have one very good friend who I can talk (and have talked) to about this, but he is male. We have a firmly platonic relationship, neither of us has ever or will ever fancy the other, and we get along great, but when it comes to love matters I think female friends are invaluable. And about my current situation I cannot confide in any of my female friends - they all belong to the same social group that Jack and I do, and if they knew about the situation with him, it would create a weird feeling in the group.

<< I'm dating up a storm but of course none of the men I am meeting come close to him in terms of the attraction level and great rapport we felt from the first time we met. But it doesn't matter, does it...he doesn't want me as a girlfriend and I can't trust him. So all the amazing chemistry in the world doesn't make up for that.

I am *totally* with you there. It seems such a waste of chemistry and rapport when it doesn't seem to be going where you want it to go. This is also something I am finding very hard - chemistry and intellectual rapport with a guy are very important for me, and it soo hard to find that. So naturally, when it's there but other things don't fit, it is a crying shame!!

Here is to both us getting through this, and finding two great guys one day who are all we have been looking for and who want the same things we do!

Pages