Help - want to call the ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Help - want to call the ex
21
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 5:21pm

For some unknown reason, I have this overwhelming urge today to call my ex-bf. We haven't spoken a word in three years.

I have no idea where this feeling came from, and I hate that I still wonder about him and his life.

Please, talk me out of it!

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 7:20pm

Think about his end.

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 8:09pm
That makes absolutely no sense!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 11:26pm
It's possible, but it depends on the case. In TGC's case it's more of a craving than curiosity. And it's harmful craving because it's getting in the way of forming new relationships. She starts seeing someone new, it doesn't work out, she goes back to being lonely again and that's when the craving starts. And the cycle repeats.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 7:53am

From my own experiences, contacting an ex has been more of a bad habit than a genuine interest in saying hello to an old friend I have no attraction to anymore. I have exes out there who treated me like gold who I dumped and for one reason or another just have no attraction to and could care less about about talking to anymore. Strangely, the exes who rejected me are the ones I want to hear from or find myself calling back when they call me.

Am I a glutton for punishment or what?

But isn't that usually the pattern we all end up following most of the time-- hang on to those who hurt us, rejected us, hoping one day they'll see the light and see what they missed?

Anyway, Tallgirl, I'd think about exactly what your motive would be for talking to him. Do you really want to know what his life is like now? If so, why? If it's going to hurt you to find out certain details, then why put yourself in that position? Would you stick your hand into a fire? No, because you'd burn it. So why put your heart someplace where it's going to get broken all over again?

Believe me, I'm as guilty as the next person of this stuff. Calling exes who've hurt you is nothing other than a bad habit and god, it is hard to break! In some ways I think that short of moving out of state and losing someone's number, the best way to get over someone like that is to find someone who treats you a lot better and to remind youself every day of that.

Have you heard from him since you've broken up? If not, take it as a clue-- he has other things going on and probably is ambivalent about talking to you at this point. I like to think that if they want to talk to you, they'll call you too. The phone works both ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 8:00am

Oh, and one more thing-- he broke up with you?

That means you owe him nothing. It's amazing how after someone breaks our heart we women will often pick ourselves up, forget to dust ourselves off in our anguish, and in a broken-hearted mess, still extend an olive branch out to the guy who hurt us as if nothing happened and he's the one who needs the attention and comforting (in the form of phone calls, emails or outright booty calls.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 8:32am

'..Can I really let myself connect with and fall for someone else (which I want) if I haven't completely moved on?'


IMHO only, it really is the other way round. In self-help books, one 'gets over' someone and then - conveniently when ready -

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 8:40am
I've literally just now posted my response to the OP and it's more or less identical to what you've said - could not agree more. One can spend months or years 'working on self/issues', 'improving self-esteem', 'overcoming barriers', reading self-help books and going to therapy, seminars etc etc etc - until you meet a new person and fall for them and have it reciprocated you will have no other option but to keep revisiting the past. One the new connection has been established, your past will
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 10:59am

Thanks for all your responses everyone. You all made good points, and the 'craving' to call him has dissipated today. Thanks for posting my response about getting over an ex. :) Yes, I should take my own advice -- and I actually posted that response with this guy in mind.

After thinking about it, I think the reasons I wanted to call were: I'm not seeing anyone special right now (although I am dating and do have an active social life), I haven't loved anyone as deeply as I loved him - so I miss the comfort in that, he's familiar and I'm just feeling nostalgic.

Shy -- good point about thinking about it from his side. Yes, he broke up with me, but also resurfaced afterward and begged for me to come back. I flatly refused. I think me calling after three years would be a sting, and that's not fair. Not that he's been pining away for me this whole time (or vice versa), but it would just bring up old news.

Yep, pretty much a bad idea all around.

Oh, and to schnappsers -- I'm not sure I agree that all "normal" people can be friends with their exes. I think it really depends on who you are as a person, what the breakup was like, etc. I've never really been able to be friends with my exes. I do e-mail a few of the others from time to time, but those are from 10+ years ago, so there are no lingering feelings. Plus, we're not really friends -- we just check in once in awhile. I think if you have any lingering feelings or attraction for someone, being friends just isn't realistic. I think I will always have some feelings for this guy, and I doubt we'd ever be able to "just check in" with each other. I sort of wish it were different, because I honestly want the best for him and I really hope his life is happy and going well for him (yes, even if he's married or dating someone). I'd love to chat with him about it, but I know the other stuff would just get in the way of having an objective friendship with him.

Thanks again, all!

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 11:23am
I wasn't saying that all normal people are friends with their exes. I'm certainly not friends with all of my exes and I wouldn't consider having occasional emails to be a friendship (but perhaps
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 11:34am
Ok - got it. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.