here's a question

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
here's a question
6
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 9:27am

Just how is it that you can know whether or not you've become too picky (as some of my friends tell me I am) or if you've just not met the "right one" yet?

I'm not a big believer in the whole "soul mate" idea. I believe that there are many people out there we could be compatible with. This propels me to wonder just why it is that I haven't met even one of those "many people" yet.

However, my grandparents had a great "get-together" story almost 60 years ago and they were only parted by one of them passing away. Anyone who knew them would have a hard time picturing them having ended up with someone else... they were so right for each other. This propels me to think, no, I just haven't met the right person for me.

Your comments appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:01pm

I think if you're picky, you know it. You have some strange list of criteria like "he must bring me daisies on our first date and be wearing shoes that match his coat and drive a car less than a year old" or something like that. Don't laugh, I had a friend that had this list once. She ended up marrying a guy that wore tennis shoes almost everywhere and drove a 10 year-old Saturn... but he did bring her daisies, after she told him she liked daisies.

My point is, I really don't think someone is only meant for you and once you meet the deal is sealed. Part of it is being a great match and the other part is effort. Nothing fulfilling is effortless and a relationship can't be any different. If you meet someone you have romantic chemistry with, things in common and similar life goals, you still have to want to be with them, and they with you. So, as long as you're realistic (daisies and all) it's not being picky, it's just being wise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 2:02am
I think people develop a list of criteria depending on their dating experience. Material possessions become irrelevant if you meet someone you really click with. Over time, people who are still single will end up with fewer items on their original list but it will contain criteria that they utterly refuse to compromise on. Their ‘final’ smaller list is usually the result of negative experiences but it is just as inhibiting. People in happy relationships will probably look at their original list and laugh!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 6:46pm

When you meet the person who makes your heart smile for no reason in particular, and likewise, you'll have found the answer to your own question.

Don't look for it, but don't wait for it either.

Being picky only points out what you don't want right now. Love comes in all forms... and when you find it, you may be surprised what it looks like ;) But you will not mistake how it feels.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 11:58pm
I agree with lust-for-lust. I too haven't found one of the many men out there that are right for me yet. I sometimes think that I might just be too picky since so many people my age are married by now but in reality and in my heart I know that it just hasn't felt quite right yet for me with anyone, there has always been something missing in a sense and things happen for different people at different times. I don't regret any of the decisions I made to leave unhappy r'ships. If they were right and I was happy then i would still be with them. I think that you will feel it when it's right. I do believe that, it will just feel comfortable and almost effortless (not completely effortless of course) but just easier overall. I am very selective about the men I choose as of late but not selective in an unhealthy way. I'm not going to be turning down good opportunities because a man drives a 5 year old car, is not as tall as my ideal or makes a little bit less money than me etc etc. I hope to have that feeling for someone soon, the feeling of just knowing that it's right and being comfortable with someone. It's just a lot harder for some of us sometimes and takes a lot longer to find one of our "ones".
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 8:21am

Thanks for all of the responses. I've never had a problem with judging someone based on their material possessions. That's definitely not the reason I've been "too picky". My pickiness has mainly been based on just the "feelings" I get about a person. A little background: I've dated for about 14 years now and I have been in what I would call true love once... about 7 years ago. We were engaged, but I called it off due to immaturity... mine. I'm not a big fan of regrets. I think that they're pretty much useless. I know that we make the best decisions we can at the time. But I guess that it would be fair to say that I do regret that decision. This man is now married and has a new life. Yet, I wonder if I sometimes write new people off because they don't measure up to him... or to the feeling I had when I was with him.

I would be okay knowing that I just haven't met someone for me... someone I can enjoy spending more than a few weeks or months with. Since that relationship 7 years ago, I have made some bad choices when picking dating partners. I have been cheated on, lied to, disrespected (as most of us have at one time or another). My concern is that I'm being blinded by my past (the good and bad of it) and it may be preventing me from seeing what's good in people right now.

Anyhoo, I do agree that deep-down I will know when I meet someone really special to me. Just second-guessing my ability to discern it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 9:02am

>I'm being blinded by my past (the good and bad of it)
>and it may be preventing me from seeing what's good
>in people right now

Basically, you are saying that experience is influencing your decision. Ignore it at your own peril.