he's just not that into me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2007
he's just not that into me?
7
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:59am

A few weeks ago, I was set up with a guy (TJ) who I knew little about. As I said in an earlier post, he is very attractive, intelligent and goes to an elite university. When I met TJ for the first time at a party, he was very nice and friendly. We kissed for a minute at the end of the night and he told me he would take me to dinner later in the week.

When I returned home that night, I received several text messages from TJ, essentially saying that he wished I had stayed later and wanted me there. I figured he had gotten drunk and I responded that I would see him another time. The next morning, TJ apologized via text and called me later that night just to say hi.

Last night, TJ invited me over his dorm room to watch a movie. This was the first time I had ever spent time with TJ one on one. I immediately noticed that TJ was far less outgoing when sober. He seemed slightly quiet and was very laid back. I attempted to start several conversations, but TJ would give direct answers and did not continue them. He seemed perfectly content to watch the movie and would randomly make 1 sentence comments or ask me short questions. He kept yawning and complaining about how much schoolwork he had.

About halfway through the film, TJ put his arm around me and draped a blanket over us. He rubbed my side a bit and held my hand at one point. After the movie ended, he kissed me for a minute. I then had to leave. As he walked me to my car, he kissed me goodbye and said, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Surprise, surprise…. TJ never called! Late tonight, I noticed TJ was on AIM so I sent him an instant message to say hi and ask how his day was. His answers consisted of 1 word sentences and he told me that he was very busy with school work (he is busy, he has finals next week). He apologized for “not being very fun to talk to.” I asked if he would like to get dinner later this week and he responded, ���potentially, yeah. This week is going to be terrible, but that would be fun.” That was the end of the conversation.

I am so confused!! I thought that putting his arm around me and holding my hand was a sign of interest and affection, but he only kissed me for a minute. He said he would talk to me today, but he did not make any attempt.
Should I be taking a hint? I feel that if he were genuinely interested, he would be acting very differently. Should I just forget about him?
Please advise!!!

-Vanessa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 2:15am

Hmmm...as someone who is perpetually plagued by guys who just aren't that into me, I'd say that it doesn't sound like that is the case here. That could be what is going on and I think you have cause to be concerned, but given that it's finals, I'd cut him a little slack and just see where it goes.

I think it is definitely a good thing that he didn't try to get you to sleep with him, which is what concerned me when I read your original post about this guy. And I don't think he would have kissed you if he wasn't interested. I'd give it a few days, or wait until finals week is over and see if he follows up on the dinner plans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 3:29am
I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket, but I wouldn't count him out just yet. If finals come and go and he's still "busy" all the time, that's not a good sign. But it's only been a day since you hung out and watched the movie, so it's not completely hopeless (just don't make too much of it just yet until you have a better idea if he's truly into you or not).
















iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 4:51am
hmmm. my instincts say he's not that into you, but of course, all i have to go on is some words from far away ...
for whatever reason, your description of this guy stirs up memories of some very noncommittal men i knew in college. you did see at the party that he is capable of verve and enthusiasm and pursuit, and i think he could easily have kept up the verve with you, despite being sober and/or busy. i mean, he's not so busy that he can't go to parties - or sit around and watch a movie! it seems like he's batting you around a bit - letting you know that he can take you or leave you and seeing if you'd be willing to stick around to be batted about some more. he seemed pretty popular at the party - don't you think he's got a number of girls interested in him? i just don't really trust guys like that.
i'd just be wary if i were you. don't let the guy bat you around any more!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 7:18am
My instincts also say he's not that into you just because he sounds exactly like guys I went out with during college a few times.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT sleep with him. You will most likely end up getting hurt and it WILL NOT make him like you more.
Let him decide what he wants to do next. Don't pursue him or blow little things out of proportion, meaning, just because he calls you don't assume he definitely wants a relationship with you. Sometimes guys like that just want to have a woman around and they can take you or leave you either way, it doesn't make a difference to them if you're in their life or not. I dated a guy like this for four months during college and the whole time I had a feeling he was still into his ex which he was. He eventually started the "I'm too busy" crap with me and let's just say it didn't last much after that. And the amazing thing was, he's the one who started it all. Now when I look back on it at the age of 31 I'm like, wow, all the signs that he just wasn't into me were there but I was so blind to it.
Someone once said to me that when a man is dating you and he really wants to be with you, he puts his best foot forward, and therefore, what you are seeing at the time is the best he's going to be. If the best this guy's going to be is wishy-washy and not sure and "too busy" I'd reconsider the situation.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 8:42am

I don't think he's all that interested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:20am

Yeah I would say let this one go. That "I'm too busy to date" line is just that - it's a line, because he's not too busy to go to a party, is he?

I imagine that him inviting you to his dorm to watch a movie was him hoping for a little one-nighter, and when it didn't happen he lost interest. Maybe not, but that's what I got out of it.

I'd say forget about this one and find a guy who doesn't make lame excuses as to why he can't see you.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:10pm
Honestly, I'm sure he IS just tired. Between trying to date, keeping an active social life and balancing good grades all while living on campus . . . yeah, the kid is probably just exhausted. I would not lose hope just yet.