He's not over his exgirlfriend- it hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
He's not over his exgirlfriend- it hurts
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 3:53pm

Hey everyone :]
So, to start, I'm a young lady looking for some advice. I've always been into "bada*s yet sensitive" guys, and I'm not so sure if it's such a good thing. There's this guy I have been talking to for a short time, but recently everything is at a stand-still. About a week or two ago when we first started talking, we had so much in common and he really is a sweet guy. My friends are mutually friends with him and have been for quite some time, and they agree that he's a really good guy. Anyway, to make a long story short, I had a party last Saturday and one of my good friends told me that guy just told him he digs me. besides that, he told a few others on multiple instances that he likes me.
The thing is, I really like him for who he is. Honestly, there are a lot of nasty habits, flaws, and things of that sort that I put behind him because when a good guy comes along my path, I try to pursue; only because every guy in my dating past has really hurt me because they put their own needs first. I always end up being second best. When this guy and I were talking last week, I noticed he brought up his ex girlfriend more than enough. They were in a 2 year relationship and I'm told she treated him quite poorly. I understand that most people are never going to be fully over somebody they've had feelings for, so I kind of just brushed it off. I ended up bringing up a few of my ex's too just to equal things out, and I just felt so comfortable talking to him from night into the morning, when I fell asleep on the phone with him :]. He was so cute about it too. the signs were perfect, everything was great that week. something happened one day, and he didn't talk to me nightly like we had been doing habitually; and when we did talk, I had a gut feeling that something went wrong. I mean, we went from him waiting on my phone calls and all of those cute little signs guys give off when they like you to ultimately- neglection and awkwardness. Now, I know I don't usually have luck with guys and he seemed too good to be true but it is so frustrating. I was upset all week because this issue was bothering me; so badly that I got to the point of confrontation.
I texted him at 2am basically telling him I was trying to get to know him but I'm not sure if I did something wrong, and he responded saying that he knows he told my friends he has feelings for me but he's lost right now and he doesn't even like himself. however he told me I'm a very nice girl and he likes talking to me a lot so "I'm doing something right". that basically got me nowhere because to be honest, it had no clear meaning. well we ended up hanging out the next night, but the plans were made through our friends, and I got pretty decent vibes. There was another guy clearly hitting on me and the guy that I've been talking to decided to try and make the other guy leave me alone. Later on in the night hee was around me a lot, hugging me and stuff, I don't know, I didn't feel negativity but at the same time I was wondering what was going on in his head. its been clear before that he likes me, but I really dont know what to do. I had asked one of my friends later about him- her boyfriend is close friends with him- and she said he showed her boyfriend the text conversation between us and said that he still likes me, but he wants to go away for a little to another state to think about things- that and he's not completely over his ex of 2 years, yet they have been broken up for over a year now; and when he gets back, he supposedly wants a serious relationship. However that, again, was not clear to me- I'm wondering if I'm just the option and hes trying to get her back-- and if he doesn't get her, then maybe he'll settle for me? or perhaps I'm being negative. I knoww it's so hard to get over someone but I'm not sure if his trip away means he's going to try to get rid of the baggage or find a way to get back with her. Either way I can't keep waiting, it's not right to me because obviously I have to do whats right for myself too.
Now onto the funny thing about his ex girlfriend.
I went to senior prom with this nice guy. He, like this guy, had been dating a girl for 2 years and were always on and off- yet he started having a thing for me while they were dating onto their point of what he called a "final breakup." He was the last guy I got involved with before this recent case- and he was always unsure of himself as well. We had a good time together, mutual friends so we all hung out together, the whole good deal. He ended up getting back with his ex girlfriend out of nowhere one day and decided not to tell me. Little did he know I found out, and he came up to me one day trying to say hi even though he had a hickey on his neck. To make another long story short, he broke up with her, we "hooked up" at a party but I figured it was all for fun, then he started seeing one of my friends, but used her for a piece.
THE BIG THING is- the guy that I went to prom with actually went on a date with the guy that I currently like's ex-girlfriend- but BEFORE we went to prom. She was digging him and everything, and I actually ran into him at the mall with her, but way before I had liked him back. She actually wanted to go to prom with him. but the funny thing is, when I was talking about the guy I went to prom with to this guy that I liked, I asked him why he didn't go because he was a senior as well at the time, and he said he only wanted to go with his ex girlfriend but didnt want to ask her. so I went with the guy that she wanted to go with and she didnt go because of that- and the guy that I currently like didnt go because he didnt want to ask her.

So my situation is basically that he still isn't over his ex of 2 years, but I can tell he likes me so far and I like him. Now there's a weird thing between us because I think he's trying to get over her but can't (even though she didnt treat him very well over those years), but I'm not completely sure with the signs he's giving me. It hurts me to sit around and wait because I don't know if I'm wasting my time. I've never actually had a boyfriend who gives me their 100%- theres always other girls involved- whether its cheating or not being able to get over the ex.. and it hurts. I'm a really really good girlfriend but the guys that I like/liked couldnt get over their ex's who treated them badly- so I get the hurt from it, most likely unintentionally.

It's hard for me to go out and find someone else that I have so much in common with, but I dont think I'm willing to let go of this situation because I have no solid reason to.

Last night I hung out with the guy I went to prom with and I felt weird because there was beef between us over time and I hadn't seen him in so long.. he did a lot of things that hurt me badly. I barely talked to him but when I hugged him a few times I remembered how things used to be and yeah I still miss him and have feelings for him but the past is not keeping me back from living in the present at all. A lot of the guys that hurt me in the past I still have some feelings for but I wont let it stop me from meeting new people and getting close to them like it's stopping him.

Anyway, thank you so much to anyone who reads all of this- I know the story is long and confusing but I'm seeking out advice because I'm so lost and there's just so much going on in my life right now that I dont know what to do that's right for myself. any advice is very much appreciated!!

best wishes towards all of you<33
xoxo