How can I become more approachable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
How can I become more approachable?
11
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 10:30pm

Hi! I'm single... mid 20s.. living in a big city in Canada...

I've been single since 3rd year university and have dated here and there but nothing completely meaningful. A month ago I got dumped by a guy who I was seeing for 2 months (decided to never call me again).

I know that I am attractive.. hot whatever...but I have the TOUGHEST time meeting guys. I mean, I can walk down the street night or day and have guys turn there heads, make comments, etc etc (and I don't dress 'trashy' or slutty) about how beautiful I am but when it comes to meeting guys it seems like I come across as really unapproachable or something or that guys are really chicken or something!

First off.. I know.. you will never meet your soulmate at a bar..but I do go to bars esp on weekends..with the girls and the only guys that come up to us are really obnoxious or really drunk. I see "nice" guys there but I am a bit timid to approach them (because I believe a girl should be chased BUT then again look at who is single!)

I am comfortable being single but sometimes I get lonely. Right now I am waiting to meet a friend to go to a party where everyone is coupled out (i am only 24 btw). I want to meet a nice guy to hang out with...do stuff I like with..go to musems.. watch movies etc etc.. but I can't seem to attract that kind?

I've tried to get involved with volunteering sports and the like..but the same thing there..guys check me out but none appraoch. .i'm starting to think i am angry looking or scary or ugly.. .which i know im not..

any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

xo
kate

PS ... please dont suggest online dating.. so not going to happen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2005
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 11:24pm

Kate,

I think the problem is not your personality, your approach, or your looks. I think that guys assume the worst-you already have a boyfriend or worse you are out of thier league. I would just take a deep breath and find a way of approaching men that catch your eye. For example, at the cocktail party approach a guy that has a hal full glass(make sure yours is half full too) go to up to him and offer to refill his glass. This has worked for me. However, just be careful in the approach and make sure you definitely want the guy! HAHAHA

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 11:39pm

I think the most important thing is a smile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 12:34am
Interestingly, I once went out with this guy (who I didn't like at all) but he said that I looked like the type of girl who obviously has a b/f so guys probably don't approach me. I wonder if this is true...I've never had a boyfriend so I am not obviously a girl who has a boyfriend, but I wonder if I look like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 1:10pm
I have the same problem and have been told many times by guys that I seem unapproachable cause my looks intimidate them or that they think I have a boyfriend. Even out at the clubs if a guy asks me to dance he will right away ask me if I am there with my boyfriend cause they don't want any problems. It can get frustrating at times especially when they ask you "how can a girl like you not have a boyfriend"... What I do is just try and make eye contact with a guy that I am interested in and once I have their attention I smile. At this point if they are interested they will come by and talk to me.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 9:53am
I once had someone tell me that I was unapproachable - hurt quite a bit. I by no means think I am more approachable (please read post above) but I find that when I accepted that I was single and was happy in my life, things just started happening. It could be that you might be giving off a 'desperate vibe' (sorry, I know you aren't desperate but when you are lonely, sometime it could seem that way to someone else) Most guys don't want to approach someone who they feel they could really like because they don't want to get hurt. Or, you are just too pretty for them!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2000
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 12:38pm
Low-cut tops
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 1:35pm
MAANN have I struggled with this!! It took me a long time to realize why guys were slow to approach me, and if you are in the least bit shy ( which I am sometimes) it can be miscontrued as "stuck up". Unfortunatley, what I learned is that you have to figure out who YOU want, and kinda go after him...or at least make it soo easy for him to ask you out that he thinks he initiated it. Guys really are chickens when it comes to really attractive women. Doesn't it seem like so many cute guys end up with these "plane janes"? The reason? They make them feel secure...
Leeya
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 4:56pm

Re: making yourself more approachable-

I bought the book "Superflirt" by Tracey Cox about a year ago and it really helped me. Its all about body language. It helped me realize some of the signals I inadvertantly send to people when I'm really just nervous may be mis-read as "not interested." I re-read parts of this book before I go to any party, date, or even a job interview!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 5:36pm
As for meeting people ... cultivate some interesting hobies, read, keep yourself abreast of what is going on in the world as far as news, arts, sports, etc. so as to always have a topic of conversation on hand and, most importantly: smile. Being approachable is one thing but retaining their interest once they've approached is equally as important!
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 5:52pm

I bought that book last year too and completely forgot I had it.

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