How can I tell if a guy is gay?
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| Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:20pm |
O.K. I know that I'm probably not going to find an answer to my question, but I really need to vent.
I'm a single female, and I have been friends with a really sweet guy at work for several years. When I first met him, I thought he might be gay only because his voice was a little "off" from time to time.
However, as I got to know him better, I found out that at one time, he had had a major crush on one of my female co-workers who moved away.
Because of this, I started thinking that he might be straight after all, and I started to have feelings for him as more than a friend.
This guy has never been in a serious relationship to my knowledge. He complains all the time that he is going to die alone and has even talked about his wedding someday. I have mentioned to him upon occasion that I don't have a guy in my life right now, etc., etc., but he has never taken the hint. We really have had great conversations at work and seem to share similar interests. He has hugged and kissed me on the cheek on numerous occasions. He always makes me feel so safe and protected and definitely has a lot of strong, masculine qualities.
The problem is...one of his closest friends is gay and has made comments in the past that certain actions indicate that this guy IS gay (he writes semi-flowery notes to both men & women at work). However, this friend has often labeled very straight men as "gay" for silly reasons.
I am just very confused. I so want to get to know this guy better and be in a relationship with him. I hate living in NYC and not being able to experience this great city with him as a couple. However, part of me doesn't want to waste my time pining over someone who is gay. It is very possible that he doesn't even realize he is gay.
My office is very gossipy, and while I would love to ask my co-workers' opinions of whether or not he is gay, I know he would absolutely be crushed if ever he found out (especially if he isn't). I feel like I can't even talk to my best gal pals about him, because jumping the gun here...if I were to marry him, I would hate for it to be revealed at some point that I thought he was gay. What's even worse...I'd hate to marry him and later have him find out that he's gay.

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Ok so you've dropped hints at him that you aren't in a relationship with anyone and he didn't bite? Then he isnt interested. If he knows you're single he would have done something by now.
And slow down. You're not even dating him and you're already thinking about him coming out as gay when you're married? Slooow down...it will put everything into perspective for you.
This is my opinion but the only way I've ever known if a person is gay is if they tell me or I ask. You cant make inferences based on stereotypes because you just never know for sure. Having a close friend that is gay doesnt make the other person gay. I have a male friend that is straight but many people who first meet him think he is gay. My sister is a lesbian and while she may "look the part" nobody ever knows for sure until she wears a pride shirt or tells (which is all the time since she's pretty open about it). Not all gay men are 'feminine'..some have the same masucline qualities as a straight man.
Also, it is entirely inappropriate and unprofessional to talk about a co-worker's sexuality with other co-workers. Not good at all...can get you fired. I would never discuss that with anyone, even if I trusted that person.
Just my opinion but even if he is straight and interested, he would have done something about it by now.
Ruby
Edited 4/4/2006 11:48 pm ET by rubyshoes03
I agree that it is jumping the gun to be thinking about marriage, since I haven't even dated the guy. However, I do have several friends who have gotten married to a man who ended up being gay...hence my concern.
I can see why it would be easy to say that he isn't interested in me if I've dropped hints, and he hasn't acted upon them. He is extremely shy and has not even dated anyone in the years I have known him. Also, since we are co-workers, he might be afraid to make a move, especially since if things didn't work out, it would create a very awkward situation at work. That's certainly why I am afraid to make a move, because I do not want to ruin our friendship.
Appreciate your insight though...thanks.
Edited 4/5/2006 12:02 am ET by lenoram30
I couldn't agree with Ruby more. The only way you know for sure is if you hear the words come out of that person's mouth. Otherwise, you can't guess and you shouldn't.
There could be a lot of things holding him back from asking you out. Maintaining a good reputation at work is the most likely reason. Maybe you should just concentrate on being his friend and getting to know him that way. It's obvious you like him enough to get to know him better and whether or not he's gay really doesn't matter in that respect.
Hey, Hey, Hey, gear down there big shifter, I think she came here for advice, don't be mean about it and choose your words wisely so as not to offend. we all play nicely here.
And as for him being gay... well one of my very best guy friends is gayer than the day is long, God bless him. And I met him through work. If he wants to tell you, then he will, but if he doesn't you have to respect his privacy. I would try to get to know him more as a friend, because all good relationships bloom from a good friendship anyway. Don't rush it.
Chloekins, you beat me to the punch on the whole tone issue. Not only is it rude, I will so NOT have anyone usurp my B*tch Throne. hehe.
BTW - good to see you around here again.
orientation is not a topic for the workplace: it is sexual harassment. Speculation and gossip can provide grounds for the employee to file suit against the employer because the other employees made the issue a topic of general gossip and conversation. An employee who begins asking around about it should be officially warned, then counseling, and then discharged if it keeps up after counseling. And that is just to keep the employer in the clear. As a worksite issue, you are very very wrong to even suggest I tone it down. The law is just not on your side!
It's good to be back, thanks!
Consider your words carefully before you post - please direct your comments to the topic of the discussion, rather than to personal judgments/comments about individuals who are in the discussion.
There's nothing wrong with thinking ahead to marriage, as long as you're not picking out a dress at this stage. ;) There's no point in seeing somebody if you're not convinced they are potential marriage material. The one thing that might be of concern is his repeated complaints of possibly dying alone...hopefully that's a mere rhetorical device and not a sign of desperation on his part.
As an FYI, remember you can't judge a book by looking at the cover. ;) For example, I am a confirmed straight male who has always had a personal interest in women's fashion, beauty, cosmetics, etc. since a young age (as portions of my own closet can attest...LOL)
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