How can I tell if a guy is gay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
How can I tell if a guy is gay?
17
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:20pm

O.K. I know that I'm probably not going to find an answer to my question, but I really need to vent.

I'm a single female, and I have been friends with a really sweet guy at work for several years. When I first met him, I thought he might be gay only because his voice was a little "off" from time to time.

However, as I got to know him better, I found out that at one time, he had had a major crush on one of my female co-workers who moved away.

Because of this, I started thinking that he might be straight after all, and I started to have feelings for him as more than a friend.

This guy has never been in a serious relationship to my knowledge. He complains all the time that he is going to die alone and has even talked about his wedding someday. I have mentioned to him upon occasion that I don't have a guy in my life right now, etc., etc., but he has never taken the hint. We really have had great conversations at work and seem to share similar interests. He has hugged and kissed me on the cheek on numerous occasions. He always makes me feel so safe and protected and definitely has a lot of strong, masculine qualities.

The problem is...one of his closest friends is gay and has made comments in the past that certain actions indicate that this guy IS gay (he writes semi-flowery notes to both men & women at work). However, this friend has often labeled very straight men as "gay" for silly reasons.

I am just very confused. I so want to get to know this guy better and be in a relationship with him. I hate living in NYC and not being able to experience this great city with him as a couple. However, part of me doesn't want to waste my time pining over someone who is gay. It is very possible that he doesn't even realize he is gay.

My office is very gossipy, and while I would love to ask my co-workers' opinions of whether or not he is gay, I know he would absolutely be crushed if ever he found out (especially if he isn't). I feel like I can't even talk to my best gal pals about him, because jumping the gun here...if I were to marry him, I would hate for it to be revealed at some point that I thought he was gay. What's even worse...I'd hate to marry him and later have him find out that he's gay.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:39am

Nothing I said was disrespectful! That my post is censored is due to the disagreement on this point, as I was blunt. The TOS do not say one cannot be blunt. I realize that here in the People's Republic of China we can't say things plainly and must read between the lines, but if this were an American message board, my messgae would stand on it's own and be open to other's to post their opinions.

If iVillage wishes to continue as a Public Company in the USA, it needs to understand that
promoting and furthering the violation of Federal Law is a crime and the SEC can intervene, as well as the U.S. Attorney.

But, since iVillage is not what one can call a democratic forum, I completely understand it's need to censor people who point out when a post here is subject to legal scutiny.

So let's all continue to pretend, shall we?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:44am
I write policy for a federal agency that deals with related issues - I understand the law on this. That's not the point. It isn't so much what you said as how you said it that bristled some folks, I think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:52am
I am wondering if you think this is not a democratic forum because people cannot say exactly what they want to say in exactly the manner that they want to say it? Am I correct on my interpretation of your post? If so, then this is not the case with U.S. law and its interpretation of the first amendment. There is prohibited speech in this country and the U.S. rates very highly on most freedom indexes, including freedom of the press (a good measure of first amendment type freedoms). The fighting words doctrine is one limitation on that granted freedom.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 12:27pm

Nothing I said was a violation of the TOS. I was not even impolite, merely forward. No one will know what I said or how I said it.

Anyone can e-mail me, I have not optioned to hide.

And, the moderator failed to delete "How Can I tell..." as my lawyer says it is that which violates the TOS and the SEC and CFRs as it is asking people interstate to further a crime in the workplace. Because the poster is annonymous, she cannot assure that she will not use anything she receives to further sexual harassment she admits to engaging in.

So, it is actually a legal issue whether our moderator can continue her/his criminal facilitation in this matter, or will the discussion's key question be deleted for furthering criminal activity specifically provided for in U.S. Federal Law.

I suppose I can take the censorship because this is really just a chat room for people looking to meet other people or rant (as I do) and more.

But our moderator and the initator are behaving criminally and in violation of the TOS so where do we go to complain about or or to censor them?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 12:43pm
While the ToS does not specifically speak to "blunt" posts, the Rules of Play does ask that members:

Agree to Disagree, Respectfully: We invite and encourage a healthy exchange of opinions; disagreements are okay. If you disagree with a member's post or opinion during a live chat, by all means, challenge the opinion. However, any challenge must be given with a sense of respect and caring for the other person. The real objective of community is to understand each other, not to attack others and convince them that you're right. Name calling, insults, "flaming" and attacks are not appropriate and will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree respectfully.


Please direct any questions or concerns you have to relationshipscm@mail.ivillage.com


Thank you.




iVillage

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 1:02pm

Thanks, everyone, for the responses. Not sure what exactly it was that I missed, since that message has now been deleted.

I want to clarify something...I would never dream of in a million years asking at work about his sexual orientation. I am very close to a lot of my co-workers outside of work, so I wish I could talk with them about the situation...but I know I cannot (for obvious reasons!).

As I said before, this guy's gay friend continually makes cracks about behavior being "so gay"...that sort of thing. If we had someone from HR around, this guy would be fired on the spot for the stuff that comes out of his mouth.

I am just frustrated that there's no one I can really talk to about it, because honestly, no one (but him) knows whether or not he is.

I really appreciate what you wrote, clr1970. I am not a casual dater either; I am always on the lookout for marriage material. I know some people don't mind being with someone who has no intention on getting married...that's fine, but it's not what I personally want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 1:26pm

I'm glad to have been of any assistance! Not always being able to talk to people about some things is an all too familiar feeling...I hope everything works out well. :)



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