How come guys don't call and etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
How come guys don't call and etc.
10
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 1:22pm

I have been single for 9 months minus one date. I was in a long-term relationship (5 years) before and and am now finally ready to start dating and taking it seriously. I dated a couple months ago too but nothing happened.

I am 28, attractive, smart, etc. and everyone assumes I get hit on all the time. I don't. I have been told I am intimidating but I have or am trying everything, smiling more, trying to be more approachable (whatever that means). Nothing is really working or attracting the type of guy I want to attract.

Finally, if I end up talking to a guy and it is going well and he asks for my number, he doesn't call. I wonder if in the future I should just get their number if they are that interested but then does that give way to the chase?

It is so frusturating and I am trying to be like it's not me, but it is just so annoying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 3:27pm
Hi tigerlilybumleb.
As a bachelor I'm wondering what you mean by: " Nothing is really working or attracting the type of guy I want to attract."
Can you kindly elaborate on the "type" of guy you want tto attract?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 3:49pm

Around my age (28, alomst 29) and with a certain maturity level, has a job with a future ahead of him, fun, active, good sense of humor, physically attractive (around 6'0, average build), nice person, wants a relationship, not a one night stand. All these things sound like what every girl wants. I have been told I am picky but am trying to be a little less so.

I know bars aren't the only place to look but I work in a company with about 1,000 in my office, I go to grad school at night, I go out with my friends but not usually to "clubs". I like to play tennis and be active so try and do that as much as possible.

Alot of my friends are married so it is hard to have a night out with the girls so guys will actually come and talk to us/me. But even when I do, the ones I have my eye don't come over and yes, I could go talk to them but everyone says that they should, which I only half believe, it would just make it easier on me if they did :P

Oh and I tend to be shy at first with the guys I like but I get over that pretty fast.

What else? Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 7:18pm

Well you do sound very choosy/picky, no?. Especially in terms of age and height.
If your 28,29 you sould be open to atleast mid to upper 30's.
Also what's your height since you want him to be 6ft? I don't think you should be so obssesed with height like so many women are unfortunately.
Does his race/ethnicity matter? Do you only like "all american" anglo saxon white guys?(I'm american born caucasian from Middle East background, 5'7, and 31).

I'm reasonably good looking but my perception is many "white" women here overlook me and not notice me because of my height and background which gets depressing sometimes.
I'm very brilliant, charismatic, and ambitious though. I hope to get my bs degree next year and apply to businees or law school like you.
so let me know your answers to my questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 6:05pm
No, I have my type but don't think I am too picky. I just prefer a guy who is taller than me when I wear heels, which is a lot :) Anyhow, this doesn't answer why guys don't call me back once they have gotten my number or why THEY don't come talk to me. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:41pm

The Dating World is a perfect illustration of free market economics. In fact it -IS- the freest and the most unregulated (at least in the western world) market out there.

Men and women price themselves according to their own perceived value. This could be based on looks , money, confidence, popularity, but most of all, (take note) from DEMAND. Supply and Demand above all, set the 'value of a product.

You can price yourself anyway you like but as long as it's above market price you won't get taken. As a woman you could refuse to date anyone below Brad Pitt.Or as a man just name your favorite supermodel. But it doesn't matter a hill of beans. The question is who is willing to date YOU. I bring this up only as an example. tigerlilybumbleb above has a preference for men at least 6' ft tall, attractive, funny, mature, with a decent career, etc. That's her named price. In other words that's what you have to be to be able to date her. But it doesn't mean she will get a man like that just because she wants one. That depends on *her* value as perceived by men possessing those characteristics. If she finds men like that are beyond her reach (or 'out of her league as some like to call'), ie they are not willing to date her, she will accordingly have to re-price herself depending on how badly she wants to date. Repricing could mean relaxing some of her requirements -- such as height,attractiveness, etc. In general I have observed with women, as beauty fades, the discounts get bigger and bigger.

As another example, most men perform preliminary evaluation of women based almost entirely on their looks (when they say 'you have a great personality' it's code for 'you are hot' as they don't want be seen complimenting them on the obvious) and based on the preliminary evaluation they decide whether or not to do a secondary. Most women are aware of their perceived value, at least in the 20 something age group, and so set their price accordingly. Visit any dating website and look at the asking price of a typical not unattractive twenty something never married woman. Most will not look at guys below 5'10" or 5'11" along with the implication he be caucasian(women have an obscene fascination with height. Don't ask me why. But they do. I think it has to do more with THEM feeling self conscious in public with shorter men than anything else) . Anyway, it's only economics; what they want versus what they can afford. And everyone wants the best they can afford.

Now go up the age/weight/marital status/kids( or down the attractiveness) ladder. Depending on their own desires to date and how much others want to date them, most have repriced themselves down from that of the 20 somethings. From my observation, and this is just empirical, the more baggage a woman has (same for men), the more "Any"s you will find in her(his) list of requirements. But not always. There are those attractive ones too who are open to dating the (relatively) shorter guys such as yourself. With them things are different. They are the confident ones. They KNOW they have a high perceived value and can thus choose who they go out with , but they have also been disillusioned far too many times with good looking duds or jerks and are now looking for substance that goes beyond skin deep. In fact I have found that the choosiest women(highest asking price) are the ones who are just average or only slightly above average in looks. They need the attractive men to bolster their own self worth ("OOohh look at them. Don't they look just great together !" (the primary motivation)). And in most cases the least choosy (at least from a superficial standpoint) are the ones who are well above average in appearance(ie have no problem finding a date), or well below.

A note about you. You are Middle Eastern, NOT caucasian. So get that out of your head. However much you insist you are, you are what you are. And don't think by insisting you are caucasian you will have access to more women. You won't. Instead try to be something others are not and stand out. Be funny, be confident, be smart, be charming, be tall (being tall has nothing to do with the length of your limbs). You cannot demand others to change their asking price. But you can certainly increase your OWN worth.




Edited 8/10/2007 3:09 pm ET by capegirardeau
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:43pm

Reading your posts is like hearing myself in 6 years. I have wondered so many times why guys won't come and talk to me, why they won't call etc. I have lived in the US three years now (originally from Europe), and more and more I find that there are vast culture differences that act as obstacles. Sometimes I get tired of "the dating game" that people seem to play here all the time and decide to go talk to a guy myself, or ask someone out... it always backfires and ends quickly. Do you also find that guys can't handle a "switch of the roles", as it were? It seems men keep saying they want a girl who takes the initiative, but when it all boils down to it, they want to be the ones doing the chasing.

Furthermore, I don't think you are being picky. We're talking about long term relationships here, shouldn't we be setting some standards? It seems like some people jump into commitments with less thought than for buying a used car... I'd say it's in order to know what you want before committing to someone. Granted, who you end up falling for might not fall within all the parameters, but if he makes you happy, who cares? I do however agree with the guy that posted here saying that you might want to expand your age standard. (My 22 year old friend finally challenged her own age prejudice, and now has a wonderful boyfriend... who is 37. I've never seen her so happy.) I remember always saying that I'd never date younger... and then I did. It didn't end well, but it was a good experience.

One of the things that makes me the most exasparated about my single life is the number of friends that always tell me "you're such a wonderful person, I can't believe you're still single, why are you still single? You could date anyone!" Well, clearly, I can't, now can I? I've come to realize that I do intimidate men, because I'm rather independent (I don't mind moving around the world, spouse or no spouse), and exactly because I don't play the game. I don't make myself into some giggly little thing, wait a certain number of days to call him back, or let him pay for the dates all the time. I believe in being honest and up front about my feelings, and showing him the real me (plus, if we both have money, why can't I buy him dinner once in a while?), a real me who happens to like playing music, beer, knitting and playing pool (not all at the same time, but it's all me). What they see is what they get. As an experiment though, I have changed some things, acting more shy, more "as I should act" out on the dating scene. I do attract a couple guys that way, that's not it, but as you say, they're the completely wrong type. I want someone I can converse with past baseball and football, who doesn't take common friendliness as an invite to take me home, and who doesn't use "I work out five hours a day" as a pick up line.

This might sound stupid to the believers of the game, but I don't want to have to change me to find someone that will like me. Because then he doesn't really like ME, does that make sense? Well, I'm still single, so I don't know what good my advice is, but I am a believer in being environment-minded. By which I mean, seek out the environments where you think he might be. (So maybe not the bars.) Take a fun community class on a weekend and see who shows up. Or, as much as I hate to admit for myself, see who your friends know... they might have a friend who has a friend, you never know.

In the end though, I'd rather be single and picky (and hopefully eventually happy), than lower my standards and "settle" for someone that doesn't appreciate me for all that I am.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 3:10pm

Hi capegirardeau, that was a very intresting and informative. thanks a lot. are you french? I couldn't really tell if your a female or male but i'm assuming your a female because your so famaliar with a women's perspective. Which are you?
I have a few comments and questions in reply to you.

First of all I'm not insisting I'm "caucasian", that's just what I am. You must not be famaliar with the definition of caucasian. Caucasian is defined as : The Caucasian race, is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as "relating to a broad division of humankind covering peoples from Europe, the Middle East, and parts of Central Asia,South Asia and North Africa".
And notice the word BROAD. My parents are persian(iranian), and in fact the the persians are the original caucasians or Aryans, hence the word Iran. The caucasus region is part of Iran and some former Soviet republics like Georgia and Armenia. and the whole caucasus region used to be ruled by the Persian Empire. It was only seperated from Iran about 200 hundred years ago by the Russians. Yes some whites from the middle east region might be darker than european whites but some are just as light colored.
But I really loved your analysis of the female psyche. Can you say some more please.
Can I find a wife taller than me or same height?
thanks alot. cant wait to hear from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 4:57pm

To me this sounds like a woman's perspective coming from a man, but maybe I'm wrong.

>>Most will not look at guys below 5'10" or 5'11" along with the implication he be caucasian(women have an obscene fascination with height. Don't ask me why. But they do. I think it has to do more with THEM feeling self conscious in public with shorter men than anything else) .

I know you did qualify later with, "not always," but I think you'd find this is untrue more often than you think. One of my friends actually prefers men to be shorter than her or about the same height (and she's only 5'4"), my father's only 5'4" and my mom's 5'3", and another of my friends is dating a guy that's 5'8". I happen to date taller guys more often than not, but not consciously. I couldn't give a damn if you're tall or not, and the fact that I naturally gravitate toward taller men (over 5'10", like you say, but many have been over 6'2" or 6'3") is definitely NOT because I'd be self-conscious walking around with a short guy. I'm 4'11", EVERYONE'S taller than me. I chalk my preference for tall men (and often their preference for shorter women) up to biology and instinct. I weigh a whole 95 pounds and am tiny, which is not such a big deal in modern society, but it certainly was years ago when physical protection was vital to survival. I'm not a scientist, so I'm just speculating, but I think it has something to do with a subconscious need to feel protected. I see it time and time and time again that taller men are attracted to short women and vice versa, not just in my case. Those women who will ONLY look at tall men because they're self-conscious...well, they're the shallow, giggly idiots that I prefer not to be grouped with anyway. :)

I also don't find it important for a guy to be white, but I also think that most times, people are naturally more attracted to people of their own race. I'm pretty sure there have been studies done on the subject. But again, I also have a friend who is white herself, but has never dated a white guy. People are attracted to who they're attracted to, no changing that.

All I ask for is a guy that does something for me personally (I genuinely don't really care what other people think) attraction-wise, and with whom I click. A career that he CARES about would also be nice, but money, ehh...I can make my own and support myself, doesn't matter to me. Intelligence (because I consider myself intelligent), humor (everyone says this, shouldn't it go WITHOUT saying??), and common interests would also be great.

I do have a fairly high self-value without being cocky and I, too, have trouble getting a date, but I, too have been told that I intimidate men (at 4'11", no less :) ).

To the OP, nine months being single isn't so bad anyway, I'm sure you'll be fine. :) If you're confident in being a smart, successful, attractive woman, then it's clearly their problem and their loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 5:00pm
Wow, you could be me. I'm not even going to cut and paste because it's all of it. :) Everything down to the beer, knitting, football, baseball, and pool. :) And of course, people asking me why I'm single. BECAUSE I CAN BE!! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 7:12pm
About the height thing I am a 5'10 woman who just isn't turned on by men under 6'2 it has nothing to do with being shallow or anything. Just recently went out with a guy 5'10 for a couple of weeks and it felt so not sexy. There's nothing hotter than a tall guy with a great bod and a super amazing personality to go with it I just unfortunately haven't been able to experience that yet and being only 19 still doesn't make it fair lol. I am also way above average looks and still haven't had any luck with finding a boyfriend...all I get are stares and no approaches from whom I want to be approached by it's always the ugly guys that seem less shy and comfortable around me!